this is most certainly true

ramblings

2008-01-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

so, apparently it is a rule on Pierce Transit that you are not allowed to take a shower for at least three days before getting on the bus. i know, this sounds mean, since i am sure many of those bodies who fill the bus with an amazing aroma belong to people who do not have homes, but for some reason lately, it has been getting worse and worse. i literally have to hold my scarf up to my face in order to block the fumes, else i'd probably end up hurling in the bus. it is that bad. it smells worse than MARTA in atlanta. alas, a side effect of my chosen carless existence. i am beginning to reconsider, not that i have a lot of options right now.

anyway, it has been awhile since i have written here, and i really should more often. i am still working in seattle and find myself growing increasingly frustrated with a variety of projects going on there. really, i'd love to be doing something a little more innovative rather than just solving a bunch of f-ups all of the time. true, this also requires creativity, but i was to be INNOVATIVE. this gig ends at the end of february, so i continue to seek permanent positions or long-term contractor positions, though those are not really ideal since there are no benefits, and what i'd give to go to the doctor (especially the dentist or eye doctor right now) or have a sick day that didn't cost me money. for some reason, i have been sick often this winter. nothing horrible, but enough that i do not want to go into work. it has been frustrating.

i honestly still do not feel adjusted to being here and (again) honestly, i do not find myself wildly happy to be here. i can recognize certain ways in which i am growing and certain areas i am able to make a difference as well, but something is missing, i am not sure what, and that is frustrating.

i didn't realize this fully, i think, until last week when kaka and i had lunch. she is still on maternity leave, so was able to come down my way and meet me. sadie was along of course, and she is sooo adorable. kaka let me push the stroller for awhile, which for some reason was soothing. kind of weird, i s'pose. anyway, a simple "so how are things going?" kind of snowballed into me realizing there are some things that i currently am not very happy with. at the same time, it is difficult for me to (a) pinpoint precisely what those things are (b) be certain that those are the things that are actually making me unhappy. hopefully this is not so vague that it does not make sense.

do i need a new hobby? do i need more friends? do i need to live somewhere else? do i need a girlfriend? do i need a plant?

you get the idea. maybe.

more on this later.

a new year

2008-01-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

thankfully, 2007 is over. it was a rough year. yesterday, i was going over all of the different scenarios i explored during the past year: the possibility of moving to kansas city, chicago, germany...north dakota for goodness sake. it was rough...but i grew a lot, which i am also grateful for.
2008 is full of possibilities--that is what i am trying to focus on. since coming back to washington after being in iowa, i am homesick for my family. a lot. it's hard to deal with right now.

the not so glamorous jet-set: tribute to denver

2007-12-26T23:41:00.001-07:00

when i used to advise students and they would tell me that the wanted a job in which they could travel, i always used to say "really--are you sure?" travel is fun when you don't have to, not so much fun when you must. and denver always causes me problems in this department.
examples? hmmm, finding my car buried in 4 feet of snow from the snow plow after returning from a conference; getting stood up by rides (multiple times), being forgotten on thanksgiving one year. yeah, love it.
christmas in the iowhat was great, but getting "home" to tacoma was not so much. thank you, denver, for having a snow storm on christmas day. really, i appreciated the four hour delay this caused for the sake of your white christmas. i appreciated the opportunity to hang out with annoying people from nebraska who talked too much. i appreciated arriving at seatac in the middle of the night to get stuck with a shuttle driver who reminded me of an old bad santa. i appreciate how your little weather tricks made getting through the work day such a slog.
once again, denver, you have disappointed me.
you are beginning to make o'hare look good. never thought i would say that.

so its been awhile

2007-12-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

heatherfeather wrote a long overdue post, so i thought i'd do the same.
right now, i am in the iowhat. don't worry, it's only for a few days over christmas. it was strange being back at first. i had that same feeling when i moved here before, that is, the feeling that i was yelling at everyone when i talked to them. i guess we are just a lot more straight-forward on "the coasts" as they call it here.
it is really nice to be with the fam i.e. my former housemates. everyone is just happy (though mutti and i are sick with colds) and there is not really any stress, which is such a change from three months ago. i am really glad i moved to washington.
my trip back here was fine, except for having to get up at 2 am and leave at 2:30 am and then when i got to SeaTac, there was a line out the door (at 4 am--really?!) so i was a little concerned, but i made the flight and the next one (yeah, i know, shocker, no direct flights between seattle and dez moinayz).
i saw neener at le continental on thursday night where toddler was tending the bar. it was nice to get a big hug from both of them.
friday was family day. costco, barnes and noble, target..fun times. i hung out with amil friday night which was good.
i kinda miss mj and jillywog.
it was nice to just hang out today. soooo nice.
work is going well. my contract has been extended through the end of february. so i have time to find something permanent while making decent money. and there could be something permanent at the major coffee company, so we will see.
i actually was offered a permanent position with an international PR company. i turned it down. that may sound stupid, but it would have been a HUGE pay cut, even way out of the range i was looking for. and they were not willing to negotiate on anything, so that sent major signals about the company. it was kind of a leap of faith, but it felt so wrong.
so i keep applying for jobs, but i am in such a better place. and i know things are going to work out.
btw, i want an iPhone. blah.
randomness--mutti got a gift-wrapped juicy couture purse from nordstrom today. she did not order it and she called her bff to ask if it was from her and it was not. so, my mother got a random $300 christmas present. weird!

thanksgiving + weekend

2007-11-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

i had thanksgiving dinner with kaka, frik, their new baby, Sadie, kaka's parents and aunt, uncle, and their daughters in seattle. it was the first time i got to see Sadie, and as you can see she is precious!

i had to work on friday, but today, MJ, her brother david and i went and got a christmas tree.

i didn't actually cut down the tree. i let MJ do that--she is into those things. besides, i didn't really want to get muddy today. just not in the mood.

now the christmas season can begin (although in the large coffee company world, it began a couple of weeks ago).

new job

2007-11-11T16:36:00.001-07:00

so i got a job.
as is very often the case in today's business, i am initially on a two-month contract and if i perform well, i will be hired on permanently. i will be a project management type doing process-engineering. i am not really sure what that means either, but i am good at designing processes and i am sure i will find out tomorrow what all of this entails. i am kind of nervous, especially about the long commute to seattle. right now, i am just so thankful to have a decent paying job that has the potential to lead to other things. it is disappointing that this position doesn't really have an international focus, but if i get my foot in the door, it can lead to bigger and better things.
the lack of international component really scares me the most. working with people and other entities from abroad is so core to my identity and it has always been an element of all of my jobs to this point (well, except in the iowhat). so i wonder how i will keep that alive.

socially things are pretty good. on friday night, the roomies and i went and saw the U2 tribute band some of our friends play in. these shows are always like mini-reunions, which is kind of fun, but iffy at times, because there are certain people you don't really feel like seeing.

(i just saw a commercial with an orange vaccuum cleaner--i SOOO want one!)

on saturday, i had lunch with kaka and frik and some of there friends up in seattle, which was a lot of fun. it was good to meet some new people.
i do look forward to expanding my circle through working in seattle. we will see how that goes.

(another aside--pizza elmo? i think talking/singing pizzas are creepy)

today i mixed it up and went to church with MJ. and the afternoon has been filled with ironing and a lifetime movie. these are the good old days.

so, this is what's going on...

2007-11-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

...not that anyone will read this, but here goes:

i have been in the puget sound area for about six weeks. it has been overall really good. there have definitely been rough patches when i wonder if things will work out here, how i will afford groceries, if i will succeed in life in general, etc. but right now, i feel really good about this decision and yes, i have found myself saying during the past few days: why didn't i do this a long time ago?

so what's going well?

1) i am having way more interviews. unlike in the iowhat, where i did not have a single interview (they were mostly in chicago), i have been having interviews on a regular basis and getting back in the groove of things. my confidence is way up.

2) i have a great community of friends that is really growing.

3) i have been provided for in miraculous ways, from a bed to sleep on to groceries. i am staying with my wonderful friends mj and jillywog. people joke we are like three's company. i have a temp job where jillywog's sister, karebear works, so i can get the basic bills paid.

4) i got to see my mom this past weekend. she's at a conference in seattle.

5) love the ocean, love the mountains.

6) i feel like myself again.

puhleez

2007-10-08T17:45:00.000-06:00

people, do you really have to use coffee shops to break up with your bf/gf? it just makes us all uncomfortable. go somewhere that offers a little bit more space and separation like Perkin's.

why i still loathe UPS students

2007-10-04T12:20:00.000-06:00

in tacoma, there are two universities that are notable (i.e. not university of phoenix or some crap like that, no offense): Pacific Lutheran University (where i did my undergrad) and the University of Puget Sound (gee, that name is almost as creative as the University of Denver). PLU is not in the best part of town, but it is cheaper and ranked better than UPS. UPS attracts a lot of wealthy kids (particularly from Colorado for some reason) and is in the nice North End of Tacoma. The football teams are rivals (PLU always wins) and UPS students generally look down on the less-flashy Lutes (PLU mascot, though we are still not sure what it actually is). As a result, there exists a standing animosity between Lutes and Loggers.

when we would venture to the North End as undergrads, we were shunned. Well, okay, i can never say that i was actually put down, but i knew what they were thinking: you pay less for tuition than we do, therefore, you are not worthy.

i thought i had shed these negative feelings, until this morning. yes, some things never change--UPS students continue to HOG all of the spots at local coffee shops and more importantly, take up all of the outlets with their laptops. i feel like getting a megaphone and shouting "There's a last minute sale going on at Hollister, hurry!" or "A BMW just got stolen from the parking lot!" or "A study was just released that organic coffee makes you gain weight!" or "Free Red Bull and Vodka down the street!" and watching the swarms of students rush out.

alas, i will endure their presence and watch my laptop slowly lose power, until it dies. and with it, a little part of me will die, too.

north dakota

2007-10-02T11:53:00.000-06:00

a couple of weeks ago, i went to north dakota for a job interview. here is what i wrote...

This is the first leg of my journey to Dickinson, North Dakota. I am a candidate for a marketing position at an institution that is working towards economic development in the western part of that state. Half of my family has roots in this area, driven out by dam projects and polio. Here I am, out of everyone, returning. I, the one who has traveled the world more than anyone else, am going back to where his mother’s family first came when they emigrated as Germans from Russia. Though my roots are there, I feel like I am setting off to a new county, even more foreign than Africa. I have a marathon series of interviews, which makes me horribly nervous. The though going through my mind, though, is whether or not I could even live in this place. Dickinson is a town of 17,000 people. It does have a small state university, which changes things to an extent. At the same time, I know no one and I would literally be out in the middle of nowhere, even more so than I feel in Iowa. The thing is, though, that I do not feel like I have a lot of options. I cannot imagine I would like living there. But perhaps I will be surprised.

I arrived at the Dickinson airport. It has one gate, three staff members, and one car rental place. Waiting in line to retrieve my rental car, I hear a young man asking other passengers if they are “Fritz.” I catch his attention and inform him that I am Fritz. He tells me that there has been a change in plans and that he has come to pick me up—no rental car for Fritz. This also means no freedom, which in someplace this small bugs me a lot. Since he has not offered it up, I eventually ask my chauffeur what his name is. “Jamie,” he replies. He works at the university in student activities and also does something with the athletic department. Jamie grew up in a town of 600 25 miles south of Dickinson—so he has basically been in the area for his entire life. As I take my luggage from the back seat, I notice a bowling ball and bowling shoes. Apparently, this is that kind of place—one where people in their late twenties are already hanging out at the bowling alley. (news flash: i have been informed at a party in tacoma that bowling is the new golf. i didn't like golf either, though.)

Before coming here, I was informed I was staying in senior living apartments. I immediately interpreted this as a retirement home, which I found very strange. LeAnne assured me, however, that this probably meant seniors in college. Oh great, I though, a dorm instead, but this did seem preferable to a retirement home. It turns out, though, that my hunch was correct. It is a retirement home. Well, at least it is nicer than the one where my grandparents live. I am sure someone out there can understand why I find this exceedingly strange.

The interviews went fine, although I did not end up getting the job. My last meeting with was a realtor who showed me everything, which was great. She even took me to the Badlands which were amazing and beautiful. My last night there, after all the hustle and bustle was over, I decided to go have a drink. I sat down at the end of the bar and immediately, three gentlemen turned and looked at me. One of them was holding a cigarette in the space left by a missing tooth. And they just kept on staring. Somehow, I feel like they embodied much of what living there would have felt like--I would always have been an outsider, a stranger, a weirdo, someone people were always questioning.

seattle

2007-10-01T12:36:00.000-06:00

this morning i have made my way up to seattle on the bus. a friend of mine is out of town for a couple of days and has allowed me to use her car, so i could have driven up here, but considering the cost of parking in downtown seattle, the frighteningly tiny parking garages one has to maneuver, and the fact that i would be driving an unfamiiar vehicle, i decided to park at the tacoma dome and take the bus. unfortunately, there were no long term spots left, so i had to park in the three hour spots, so let's hope i don't get a parking ticket, because i really don't need that right now.
it was so relaxing to just ride up I-5, especially since i am not as used to driving on busy freeways after a year in iowa. the bus drops you off directly in downtown seattle, which just seems so convenient. if i end up living in tacoma, i would definitely consider taking the bus up here to go shopping. but now, let's not get ahead of ourselves--shopping is not in the picture right now.
i am sitting in a starbucks in front of westlake center. this particular starbucks has glass walls all around, so you can see everything going on around you--a demonstration accross the street, cyclists narrowly squeezing by delivery vans, tourists gawking at everything, ladies weighed down with a half-dozen shopping backs (the nordstrom flagship store is about a block away).
i came up here not to people watch, but to meet with a recruiter. the good thing is that i am not nervous. i am not getting ahead of myself. as the shoppers, tourists, and execs bustle, meander, wander, power by the window, i think, one step at a time, no matter how fast of slow or straight or crooked, one step at a time gets you moving forward to your destination.

washington

2007-09-25T11:50:00.000-06:00

It’s a crisp fall evening in Washington and I am reviewing the events of the day. I slept in and woke up without the usual anxiety and pounding heart that usually disrupts my sleep. The house is quiet and the sun in peering through the trees and only speckles the walls through the curtains, not baking the walls of the house like I have grown accustom. I walk down the street to the café I used to visit sometimes during college to get away from campus and study. Thankfully the undergraduates from my university’s richer counterpart have not flooded the tables and overstuffed chairs (and outlets) that I used to fight for a spot there. Men in clothes full of paint and grease are ordering soy lattes and biscotti, something I notice now having lived in an environment where espresso beverages still border on pretentious. In many ways, though, the routine is the same for me as always—search for jobs, revise, resume, write cover letter, send. I ask myself what is different. For one, the anxiety is almost muted by my new surroundings. I also must look beyond these initial stages of the application process and realize that I am more myself, no longer dulled by various factors. So every paragraph, every step I take, even being here—all of these are acts of faith, faith that I am called to do something more than I was. The afternoon winds on and I am at leisure to take a nap, disturbed by nothing more than two curious cats. Even eating dinner is on my own schedule and I am not rushing home to comply with someone else’s. There’s a trip to the bookstore where the clientele is as colorful as I remember.
Late at night I sit on the front porch and take in the sounds and sites of dark. Cats bolt out of alley ways and quickly take shelter under parked cars that will provide a few hours of warmth for the night. Music hums from a house across the street, sending out a strange mix of melodies that could be country-western or new age. Traffic glides by on nearby busier streets. Back inside, I soak up the silence and the peace, knowing I may lose it any day now.
I am trying to take one day at a time, sick of the triteness of that approach. It has not been the approach I have taken so far in life, having always believed that everything I do now is preparing me for something in the future. The last year has seemed to debunk that theory for me, but at the same time, the evidence has not fully destroyed my belief in the approach itself.

so typical

2007-09-07T13:07:00.001-06:00

two weeks notice have been given, a place ticket has been purchased, I am on my way to being on my way to a new start in the Pacific Northwest.

and then, someone from a company that I am really into in the iowhat calls me for an interview.
Granted, this is no guarantee of anything, but it is the first serious interview I have ever been given here. Otherwise, I have been driving all over the Midwest in search of my fortune (and health insurance).

it probably means nothing.

oh, and just now i had a phone interview for a job i applied to in North Dakota (of all places--where half of my family is from). they are going to fly me out there for an interview.

what the H is going on?

jesus take the wheel.

what got fritz and mutti to leave the house at 5am?

2007-08-19T10:09:00.001-06:00

today was the democratic candidates' debate in des moines and so we went down to rally for obama at drake university. it was another sultry iowa morning in august, so we were pretty sweaty when it was all over. screaming and yelling for over an hour felt like a workout. all in all, it was an energizing experience.

see, i wasn't making this up

2007-08-19T10:01:00.000-06:00

here i am in the corn eating contest...
and this is what walking tacos look like!

august in iowa

2007-08-11T12:53:00.000-06:00

i have never lived anywhere so rigidly defined by seasons and customs as iowa. growing up in oregon, one's wardrobe changed daily depending on the weather. living in other mild climates in germany and south africa was similar. namibia produced a monotonous routine of wearing light, loose-fitting clothing. but in iowa, i have a distinct winter, spring, summer, and fall wardrobe. i have actually packed things away, knowing that there is basically no chance i will need shorts in january (unless i go on a cruise) or a full-length tweed coat in july (unless i go on one of those cruises to antarctica).

the iowans have produced distinct customs for each season. right now, in the entire dsm metro area, perhaps the entire state, the first question after "how are ya?" in a conversation is "have you been to the fair?" the iowa state fair is supposed to be the best in the entire country. since i have never really encountered anything very much like a fair anywhere else in the world, i guess that means it must be the best fair in the world. while there are carnivals, livestock shows, food bazaars, concerts, and races almost everywhere, the american fair combines all of these. in the case of iowa, it takes the form of a 10-day bonanza.

this year, my answer to the fair question is "no." as i explained to my barista this morning, "why would i pay ten dollars to be hot and get fat?" besides, i was not impressed with the fair last year, save for the james taylor concert. i used to love going to the fair when i was younger. of course, this had a lot to do with the fact that i was in 4-h and dreamed of having my own farm someday. it all seemed pretty exciting there--there was a lot to dream about. now, i find myself irritated with the excess and the crowds. even the 4-h stalls are not artfully decorated like they used to be. as for the food, there are some things i believe should just not be "on-a-stick."

yesterday we had "state fair food day" at the prison, er, office. i discovered another iowa or at least midwest "food", namely, a walking taco. WHAT? i experienced another one of those moments here where everyone turned and looked at me as if i were naked. apparently, iowa natives enjoy walking tacos everywhere from the school lunchroom to the high school footbal stadium to the state fair.

okay, what is it? you take a small bag of doritos and before opening it, crunch up the chips inside before opening it on the long end with scissors, not by tearing it. then you scoop ground beef, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatos, and salsa directly into the bag. you them mix up all the ingredients and c'est voila: you have a walking taco that you can eat with a spoon, fork, sfork, whatever. i guess it is called a walking taco because you don't have to tip you head to take a bite, eliminating the need to stop.

i swear i am not making this up.

we also had a corn eating contest. i made it to the semifinals. just because i grew up in oregon doesn't mean i don't have skills in this area.

august not only brings the fair and all its wonders, but also oppressive heat. driving in ol' blue this afternoon on a country road, i was momentarily transported to the b-2 in the way to swakopmund in namibia. it had nothing to do with the scenery--corn does not thrive in the desert i guess. and the road was not so bumpy as to ruin the suspension of the vehicle. no, it was the weight of the heat in the pickup. the drive from windhoek takes four hours and feels like a race, because you simply cannot wait to arrive at the coast and enjoy temperatures that can be 25 degrees cooler than inland.

this summer has felt like a race for me--i have raced to lose a lot of weight i was carrying. in the process, i found more weight that i needed to dispose of. the bed of the pickup is free of unneccessary weight that was slowing it down. soon, i will step out of the steamy pickup onto the cool sand and the fresh sea air, if only in my head.

fever breaking

2007-08-05T23:26:00.000-06:00

in iowa, nighttime feels like a fever breaking. after enduring 18 hours of steamy, sticky heat, being in the outdoors at around midnight feels like waking up from a feverish sleep to find that the fever is gone. it is one of the few gifts we insomniacs get to enjoy.
it is a shame that we believe so little happens in the dark. it is after the sun goes down that the the racoon that sneaks up to the back deck to eat the remenants of seed the birds have left behind. he crouches beneath the feeder and picks through the grass. he is not picky or wasteful. while they flutter away during the summer to feast on corn and other fresh kernels of grain, the racoon is faithful in his nightly visits during the summer and winter.
we insomniacs also get to experience what it feels like when the dew is formed. we feel it on our skin and see it shimmer on the grass under the glowing moon. we know what it is like the breathe fresh air and not pant or have our sinuses dried out by the airconditioner.
so being an insomniac is not all about infomercials. there is magic involved, too.

i am in transition right now. things are in the pipeline. other things are not. i am not sure what will materialize. but at least i am finally at the point at which i can imagine what it will feel like when the fever breaks.

2007-07-08T21:36:00.000-06:00

not sure what is up with the title spot, but here goes...
"is there a song about july?"

i seems like there are at least several songs about days of the week:

"sunday bloody sunday" U2
"monday, monday..." mamas and papas (i think)
"met this chick on monday, took her to the club on tuesday, we were making love by wednesday..." (craig david, pathetic, i know. let this be the last blog post ever involving him.)
...and i am sure there are plenty of songs about friday, a way overrated day of the week.

not sure how that last one goes, but anyway. i can't seem to think of any songs that deal with months.

i want july to mean something, to be an important turning point, because i am so ready. in many ways, i feel at peace with myself, with who i am, recognizing that becoming who i am fully will be a constant process and struggle. at the same time, i am not at peace with my situation. i need some freaking health insurance, for one. oh yeah, some decent income would be nice. a sense of purpose in my work? ding-ding-ding. please and thank you.

i am restless to say the least. god knows what i have been going through internally during the last six months. i fear i have internalized it into an ulcer. but then, since going to the doctor and getting all the tests would run me several weeks wages, i will have to wait and find out.

ok, i swear i am not complaing or wallowing here. i have been extremely proactive, to the point of randomness. people tell me i need to take risks. my goodness, i am in iowa and have stuck around, that is a risk! i have interviewed for jobs in strange cities. i have opened myself up to working in industries and cities i would have never dreamed. i have come to know iowan culture. i didn't just sit in my house on the internet and wait for stuff to happen, did i? i do not believe that would be a fair assessment. i have invested time and money and stress into making my life more how i would like it. alas, to no avail.

granted, there have been improvements. i no longer budget in tips to my earnings. at the same time, i have to be dishonest to get any time off for an interview. but at least i have gotten interviews.

in terms of coming to peace with myself, i recognize that i have perhaps overassessed the gravity of this situation. it takes a lot of people a long time to find a decent job. and i haven't done poorly for my age or situation in life in terms of my career and life experience. i've dealt with a lot of my "issues" although i risk sounding like a character on "my so called life" writing that. i do know myself better, i know what i need and what i still really want, and have found some other things that i really want, too. more on that later (maybe).

so it's going to be a good july, people. if you've got a song to add to this month's soundtrack, please send it my way (as well as a gift certificate to iTunes...hahaha).

rolla is leaving at the end of the week (friday, the 13th indeed). tomorrow is our last monday evening session--my social event of the week (see why friday's are overrated!?) admittedly, it is sad to have a friend move away, especially when it's a good friend and you do not have many around. and when you are usually the one doing the leaving.

i am so excited to see the life she will build there. at least july will be exciting for someone.

so no jobo

2007-06-28T18:46:00.000-06:00

my statistics professor in grad school (of all people) was convinced that I possessed slight psychic powers. This is one of the many reasons I liked her. And it appears that they have worked again, as I correctly predicted that I did not get the job in chicago. But the feedback I received was the best ever. Basically, it came down to them choosing a candidate who had previously sold translation services, but they were impressed with me. I used my psychic powers to see if they were being honest, and they were. So it actually turned out to be a confidence booster i.e. I still got it, I still got it, I STILL GOT IT! Holla heeeeyyyyyy!

one of my housemates said to me the other day "Do you think maybe God wants you to be in Iowa?"
how could that be true?
does God even care about that?
yes, I think so, but part of me wants to think God does not, because how could God want me to be in Iowa, where it appears I have no place.

perhaps he is pushing me into the depths of angst and isolation to further drive my creative process so that I will be a world-renowned author and poet by the age of 30 and move to Berlin and spend my days sitting in street cafes, smoking heavy French cigarettes and drinking lots of cappuccino while doning dark glasses, a leather motorcycle jacket and a black scarf, and my nights chugging Red Bull while hitting techno clubs and making other bad choices that will further fuel the creative process and take my writing in a new direction until I have had enough one day and move to Africa again and live by the beach and start an orphanage and write about the raw human existence with a gin and tonic always in hand (to protect against malaria) and a shaved head. Ok, maybe not the shaved head. And maybe not the techno clubs because they are kind of out.

ok, that just came out from nowhere--not sure from where, but it sounds like I have been thinking about it for awhile.

so now we've gone from psychic to psychotic. Great.

i am thinking July will be full of some decisions, on my part and on the part of others.

someone at work actually wrote this to me in an e-mail

2007-06-18T19:21:00.000-06:00

"One more question, what is a Fritz?"

this was a serious question.

to which i responded:

"I am a Fritz, it is my name."

monday, monday

2007-06-18T19:08:00.000-06:00

so I am pretty sure I did not get what was the oh so perfect job for me in Chicago. It has been almost two weeks and judging by the way these guys role, they would have called me by now. So silly me for getting my hopes up, once again. I thought this was sounded like THE one, for now at least. It was doing something I have done in the past for a company whose business I understand. Bollocks.

I realize that getting a better job than the stupid temp thing I am doing right now will not solve all the problems in my life. In fact, depending on where this job is, it may make things more complicated. It is just ridiculous that I was raised to value my career SO much. Like, working is a religion in my family--you have to understand this. And now, to continue to the analogy, it feels like god is dead, so to say.

I used to love going to work. Sure, I would be groggy and somewhat cranky in the morning, but at least I got the satisfaction by the end of the day that I had accomplished something good and that I had made a difference. Right now, I just push paper, sometimes literally. But now, I wake up with an anxiety attack. Great.

Yes, getting a better job will not solve everything, but when you've been raised to think that what you do is critical to who you are and you don't feel like you really do anything, well, it sucks for your entire self-image. It makes me feel like I do not have value, which of course affects relationships and everything else down the line as well. Getting a job will not change all of this overnight--but it will be a step towards regaining my independence, having relationships and moving on.

A lot of people abandon faith and religion. My career is something I cannot abandon. I find it impossible to stop believing in it, to stop believing that I have to do something in this world as part of my job in order to be a worthwhile person. I know that you probably think I am crazy and should get over it, but I am sorry, I cannot, it is just the way I am. Until something changes, I will continue to be plagued with anxiety. I try to overcome my poor self-concept or at least fake it, as this is not the best state to go on interviews in, but the rest of the time, I honestly just want to hide under a blanket. I believe one can make a difference everywhere and anywhere and that is what I try to do at my job every day, even in the smallest of ways--helping someone out in a small way, asking somone something meaningful about their life so perhaps for a moment they feel they are in a place where they matter.

That's what it is--we want to matter.

I guess maybe not abandoning my career means I have faith--faith that something is going to work out. I try to have faith, I pray for miracles, because I think that God makes them happen. It feels to me like it's time. But miracles don't happen on our time.

So I'll keep waiting and keep trying. I am sure I matter in someway to someone. I keep my head up and try to smile as people pass by.

in other news, i discovered podcasts. OMG! this is like free stuff! i am so excited!

the past several days....

2007-06-13T19:18:00.000-06:00

So I had another job interview in Chicago last week. The experience was so far the best of all the interviews I have had so far. Well, I guess. For one, the company put me up in a nice hotel on Michigan Avenue. This is a vast improvement over the Super 8 on the South Side like last time. While it was annoying that my interview was rescheduled three times the day on which it took place, that turned out really not to be a problem and allowed me to show what a flexible individual I am. It did make me nervous at first since I was due to have dinner with Ann, a professor of mine from undergrad, back in Des Moines, but thanks to some phone calls to her hotel and message-leaving, it all worked out.

To tell you the truth, I have only had one job interview that I recall that I felt really good about at the time. It was for my main job back in Denver and was the beginning of a great working relationship. Otherwise, most interviews have felt just kind of "eh." Your know, "eh."
This interview felt kind of "eh." I mean, I really did not feel like there were any questions I did not have good answers to, but I just could not read at all what the reaction was, positive or negative.

So while the last interview was like a drunken hook-up, this was like a blind date that went alright and that you're waiting for a phone call back from, knowing that you making the call would be jumping the gun, but you’re so desperate to know about.

In other news, I quit smoking (again). This time, I am taking the advice of Amil and trying the Commit lozenges. So far, they are pretty effective, except that you're not supposed to eat or drink 15 minutes before taking them, which is just kind of annoying. Too much planning, you know. I still miss smoking, smoke breaks, everything like that. But then again, it is only day 3 of breaking a 4 year-old habbit. It is like losing a good friend. How pathetic does that sound? But if you have ever done this, you know that is exactly how it feels.

I also got to have dinner with my favorite prof from undergrad last week. Of course, we talked about the usual: politics, Africa, old gossip, etc. But it is interesting how our relationship has become more personal. After talking about dictators and development programs, we can spend hours talking about her grandchildren or her cat that seems to have 13 lives. Kind of fun.

just because

2007-05-31T21:08:00.000-06:00

I usually don’t have the urge to weep at my desk. Instead, I usually feel like screaming. But this morning, while my iPod was on shuffle, the voice of heatherfeather randomly came on singing “here. in my head.” It was a recording she sent me I believe in response to me asking her about an away message she had on AIM. It just caught me off guard—her beautiful voice and the guitar. It made me feel like someone was giving me a hug, which I can always use. It was just one of those moments and I thought I’d share.

thank you for caring

2007-05-28T17:15:00.001-06:00

because right now, it doesn't feel like a lot of people care. at least not a lot of people in my immediate surroundings. i mean, i have my "housemates" and a couple friends, but I miss my peeps who've been there since high school (how lame does that sound? but it is true--i have know my two best friends since high school!). and when i get depressed and lonely, i tend to close up and not reach out to my amazing friends, which is totally what i should not be doing. thus, sending me a comment is like saying "hello, what the F is up?!" and i need that.

last weekend in chicago was a terrible disappointment. i swear, job interviews are like drunken hook-ups (not that i have many of the latter). but here you are, you get all whooped up on adrenaline (or alcohol) and are excited about this opportunity (or chick who has started to look more attractive), go through the interview (making out), and are afterward pretty disappointed (disgusted at yourself for 1. thinking that chick was hot 2. drinking that much alcohol and paying for it). the people who interviewed me were totally unprepared and acted like they didn't give a shit that i was there. so shame on me for stressing so much, paying for a crappy motel, taking off work and losing money as a result, and oh, btw, gas is expensive right now, so transportation is not cheap. i am out over $200 bucks as a result of going through a bunch of hoops to join an organization that you discover is not even that into you.

just like the random hook ups, you eventually get tired of it, for a variety of reasons, with the number one reason being that you realize that you are worth a lot more in terms of treatment and opportunity.

so i kind of felt like an interview whore last week.

seriously, who still asks you "what are three of your strengths and three of your weaknesses?" that seems like so seventh grade. then there was the stupid so-called "real life" situation which was explained so horribly that anyone's answer would have been wrong.

yeah, i realize we have to invest some in order to get "the" job, but i took two days out of my life and you gave me a half-ass 57 minutes for a job that i am not that into anymore. it was like i prepared for the romantic dinner and they were just going for the hookup.

i have not heard anything back, but i don't really care. because as cybil sheppard would have told me (or now heather locklear): because i'm worth it! as jack handy as this sounds, it's true gosh darnit! i've already invested a lot: in my education, in working hard to obtain applicable practical experience, in obtaining new skills, in learning new languages, in becoming a composed and professional individual. so although in many ways, i am desperate right now because my income is pathetic, i have no health insurance, i live in iowa, and i have an abusive supervisor, i am not that desperate. i hope not.

that is the crappy thing about the whole combination of temping and looking for a job. i feel bad about myself because i am doing something STUPID and working for someone who is a horrible human being. and then i feel bad about myself because i keep getting rejected from all of these positions. it's like getting knocked down onto a bed of nails. and i've kept getting up again, and again, and again. but i have my days, i guess we all do, so maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself, because i feel guilty about feeling bad.

see what a nutcase i am?

so i went to neiman's after the interview and i spent a lot of money on kiehl's because i was basically out of everything since i haven't been buying it in order to save money. that pretty much reversed the money-saving trend. all in one fifteen minute trip to the kiehl's counter.

so now i am just praying for a miracle. that's really all that i feel i can do, because i have been trying everything else, alas, to no avail.

yesterdy rolla and i went with some people we know from le continental to the cubs game. no, not THE cubs, rather the I-Cubs i.e. the minor-league team here in dez moinay. it was fun, i got tan, and i drank too much. but thankfully, besides sending random "i love you" text messages, i did not make out with anyone and therefore had no regrets. i am sure i made inappropriate comments, but then i do not need to be intoxicated to do that.

made it through the night...

2007-05-21T06:12:00.000-06:00

no one tried to break into my hotel room, but i was woken up by a jet crusing directly over the building.

rule of a midwestern education #462: don't spend less than $100 on a hotel in chicago.

i found a starbucks this morning, having woken up quite early. i am sitting here listening to antje duvekot, whom i discovered through heatherfeather. it's a sunny day in chicago, though it is chilly for some reason. when i arrived yesterday and got out of the car, i expected it to be around 80 degrees like it was in dez moinay. alas, it was more like 40.

so my interview is at 10. i am not really feeling that nervous. at this stage of the game, i really have nothing to lose, so if the dude likes me, he likes me, if not, then not. granted, i have had wild fantasies of calling the temp agency on my way back and giving my two weeks notice and going on a mini Kiehl's shopping spree before heading back to iowa. but if not, not. that doesn't mean i'm going to half-ass this thing. that would not be the amischwab way.

my motel did have cable, which i do not have in my own home. so i was kind of excited, until i realized that there is still nothing on.

the pug and i had fun. i texted with rolla and she said he seemed worn out, which is a good thing. i did get him moving a lot with my futile attempts to play fetch with him and walks through the neighborhood much closer to the river than my own (read: more bugs, ew). i was so excited to have a house to myself for the weekend--think of the possibilites is what i thought to myself. so you know what i did on saturday? i hung out with the, er, housemates. kind of like every other saturday.

um, yeah...

2007-05-20T19:00:00.000-06:00

...i drove to chicago today for my interview tomorrow. silly amischwab books a hotel online, arrives, and finds it is the sketchiest motel he has ever stayed in ANYWHERE in the world. like, it is worse that the pot-infested hotel LJ booked for us in Amsterdam. I hope that my car is still in the parking lot in the morning. It rieks of smoke--the hallways, the elevator, AND the room. thank GOD the bathroom smells okay so I can put my suit in there (don't want to show up smelling like an ash tray!) i guess the blessing in disguise is that now i am consumed with being freaked out about the motel rather than the interview. oh, and it is directly in the flight path of midway airport, so let's hope i at least get some sleep.

i am so stupid.

YOUR WELCOME...

2007-05-20T18:58:00.000-06:00

…this has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I am picky about language. Granted, I myself am not perfect. For example, I often write English sentences with German syntax. But at least I know the basics, you know, the difference between:

there-their-they're

know-no-now (I have recently discovered that people actually do write "know" as "now")

its and it's

and of course, when people write "your welcome" instead of "you're welcome." please.

other pet peeves include: people not using their turn signals, especially on the freeway, people who don't know how a 4-way stop works, people cutting in line (which is a HUGE downside to Germany), lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners in general (the former being a huge downside to the Iowhat), and when stupid skinny chicks cut in front of you at a busy bar.

that's all.

living the lifestyle

2007-05-16T20:23:00.000-06:00

todd, who is the bartender at the continental, always answers the question "how are you?" with "just living the california lifestyle!" since we are in the iowhat, i appreciate his subtle humor, which is a rarity here as well as his positive outlook or at least an attempt at that.

i am not sure what that has to do with anything, it just seemed like a nice way to begin.

anyway, my life continues. i do have an interview in chicago on monday, which i am pretty excited about. who knows, maybe this will be the one. i am just praying they will see the value in me and not find it weird or intimidating. the jetset might be just around the corner. then again, i may continue to be the mail guy. but i will not let that happen.

i get to dog sit a pug this weekend. he is funny because he has an underbite and breathing probem. i mean, i guess it really isn't funny, but really, it is. try it--make an underbite and breath heavily. i guarantee it will make you laugh, even just a little.

this means, however, that i will be taken away from yard work for a couple of days. it will be nice not to start off the week being sore all over from, uh, planing 16 boxwoods in your frontyard or ripping out sod to make new flower beds. who knows, maybe i will take the pug to the park or the farmers' market and pick up chicks. of course, this never really worked with nawa, because she either got overly excited or became really scared, which was not endearing to me or her.

i guess i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week. but i am excited to find out.

that's all.

the randomness concludes.

i miss me, too

2007-05-09T18:37:00.000-06:00

sometimes i feel like i've lost a part of myself in iowa, but God gives me the opportunities to be reminded that super amischwab is still there.

today, i am really pissed off at my job, my supervisor in particular. like, i am physically angry.

this person doesn't realize who she's talking to.

i have every reason to be a snob. i am an accomplished and talented individual. it is true that i have very high standards, because i believe we as humans are capable of growth and progress. at the same time, i firmly believe that every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. i believe that living this out is not only a moral imperative, but that it is also a favorable practice in creating a harmonious society as well as building a successful business. in doing so, i have been able to cut deals with a range of individuals: rural african farmers to wall street hot shots.

this person needs to realize everyone she's talking to, with or without merit, deserves respect and dignity.

so when i am treated in a way that violates this code, i get really angry.

in the end, i will continue to make a difference wherever i go and whatever i do. this is what i will be remembered for. i will not be remembered for putting others down because of my mistakes or my insecurity.

we all have the opportunity to do this. so make sure to make friends with the mail guy, the people who bring the mail guy the mail, smile and say hello to the cleaners, greet the security guard when you come in every morning. it's not about reciprocity (though you could easily be "them"), it's about principle--we all add value to our society, to our organizations, to our communities--are we can all make a difference in a small way by recognizing that, even in the smallest way.

thank you. i am done now.

there are exceptions. i made the small change of rearranging the mail operations and got these responses via e-mail:

"I just have to say that I appreciate your assistance and your professional attitude. Keep up the good work!"

"I really appreciate all of the work that you do for us and I think you are very organized and everything goes a lot smoother than it did previously. SO...thanks for your hard work."

so take that stupid supervisor.

damn, i still need a real job, though. but it's going to come.

and that's what the real amischwab would say. he ain't gone.

mutti, the prophet

2007-04-22T11:46:00.000-06:00

one thing about parents is that they often know the right thing to say at the right time that just makes you feel all better. here's a good example:

"well, God must just want to strip you all the way down to the studs."

huh.

this is in reference to being passed over for yet another job.

mutti was, in this case, prophetic with her words, because when i returned to the iowhat, there was some mail waiting for me from the insurance company. yep, i have been granted insurance on a conditional basis. why? well, medical history for one (we all know about that story). but the other? apparently, i am too fat.

excuuuuuuuuse me? granted, on paper, i might not line up exactly with the charts. however, if you met me in the flesh, especially now after having lost all the grad school weight, i don't think you say, hmm, he's a bit chunky. i am not skinny, but i am not fat, not even husky i would say. i am pretty average, especially when i look at some of the guys around me.

so yes, the prophet has spoken.

some stuff that's happened

2007-04-21T21:06:00.000-06:00

early last week, i received an unexpected phone call from a company in chicago to which i had sent an application weeks ago. it was for an "international management trainee" position, which is of course right up the amischwab's alley. i was offered an interview for friday, with the possibility of a "call-back" on saturday. it quickly became a trip for me and the housemates--a weekend in chicago.

of course, i spent the whole week being nervous, but actually felt good once we finally got to chicago and i felt that the group interview, which was somewhat reminiscent of "the apprentice" went well. i was, however, the oldest candidate--most had just barely or were about to finish undergrad and had zero experience. after the group interview, i was even more excited about the position. it provided the opportunity to work with a diverse team of talented people around my age in a fast-growing company that promotes management from within and quickly. to top it all off, their latest project involves setting up a technology academy in africa. um, hello, dream come true, right here.

but i didn't get a call-back. well, i did get a call, around midnight friday, informing me of what an intelligent, interesting, personable, and outgoing person i was, but that i was not being selected for an individual interview. ok. so i asked for some feedback. "we just didn't see why you really wanted to do sales." alright, i guess me reitterating over and over again about wanting to build a business, being focusses on growth, being creative and persistent in seeking out clients provided NO indication about my interest in sales. what a bull-sh!t answer! alas, it was midnight, so I just left it there.

(oh, btw, i hate it when people say that i am interesting. really, i am not. plus, it makes me feel like a prematurely washed-up intellectual who will end up with some sh!t job and will age prematurely but people at work will say, wow, he is so interesting. please, do not let this happen to me.)

basically, i think they want people they can mold more, not people who are their peers already. whatever.

i am no stranger to rejection, as you know. i am getting kind of good at it. i guess this is what we call personal growth? rejection in my personal life--no problem. getting used to it professionally is admittedly more of a challenge for me since i kind of am a career maniac.

additionally, it gave me insight about what i want to do and what i am good at. i am good at setting up business and operations in new markets, particularly international ones. i've done it in germany, namibia, and south africa as well as in the us. ok, only four examples, but for being 26, not bad i'd say. it's what i like to do because it involves so much--economics, business, politics, culture, language. figuring out this mix and making it work fascinates me and motivates me.

so at least i am moving in the right direction. and i know that i still have game.

it's easy to say at the end of the day that those f-ers don't know what they're missing out on. while this is true, self-confidence also does not pay for health insurance or student loan bills, as i reminded my housemates during a late-night conversation on friday.

i've prayed a lot about getting a job. well, now my prayer is for the right job.

the other good thing is that i got to go to chicago, albeit for just a couple of days. i know i made the big announcement about moving to chicago, but then i became uncertain a couple weeks later. i had actually never been there (besides many stops at the airport in my jet-setting days) but it is a beautiful city, it's so diverse, they have neiman's and direct flights to frankfurt, and i don't feel like i stand out. oooooh, and there is water. so it remains a contender. i could see myself there.

my housemates and i decided that in light of the fact that i did not get a call-back, that there was no point in staying a second night in chicago. so we did our obligatory shopping in the morning (can we say crate and barrel outlet store!? WONDERFUL! [if i actually had a home]) and then they went to some museum. i was not in the mood, so i walked along the lake (love water) and in the downtown area. and then we drove back to the iowhat.

tomorrow, i have lots of yard word to look forward to. see, i am really not that interesting. i'll be in old sweats and sneakers just like everyone else in suburbia. not so interesting. and totally employable by the right company.

thursday

2007-04-21T21:05:00.000-06:00

I am wondering if Asian and/or Asian-American men in the United States feel like people will be suspicious of them now that this murderer has committed the massacre at Virgintia Tech. I just ask because it seems so often the case when a major event happens: the quiet, nerdy, suburban white kid gets called into the school counselor's office after Columbine, Arab-Americans are harassed after 9-11, attractive young female teachers become associate with underage sex, etc.

With my opening statement, I am obviously not suggesting that what this guy did had anything to do with his ethnicity, but in a society in which we are constantly flooded with images, and in
this case, repeatedly of the same individual, I wonder if the association is inevitable.

I also think about international students in general. In my experience, particularly as undergrads, they don't seem to integrate very well into the American student population. Of course there are exceptions. But as a largely isolated group (I understand that on some campuses, there is even an international student dorm which to me kind of defeats the purpose of studying in another country, but anyway) I wonder if suspicion and isolation will increase.

Or maybe, maybe, for once, the people of the United States will for once view this individual at face value, for lack of a better phrase: this guy was clearly mentally ill, clearly disturbed, clearly violent, clearly just really screwed up--and this had nothing to do with where he came from or what he looked like.

it has occurred to me

2007-04-17T15:48:00.001-06:00

--As I am sure we all feel, the Virginia Tech shootings are terribly disturbing. Why did this international student do this? I wonder if he felt like so much of an outside, so isolated, so depressed as a result, that he snapped. It is sad that we have had so many school shootings in the US in recent history that an amateur news watcher can profile the culprit so easily. And I again get thinking about the question about what this says about our society as a whole. Granted, this has happened other places (like Germany) but not nearly as often. Why is this going on? As it becomes more common, it almost gains validation, in the sense that we are familiar with the feeling of disturbment or mortification or shock. And what does the rest of the world think about our society? (Not that the US seems to care, oops, sorry, stupid question there.)

--Walking past venetian blinds makes me kind of dizzy.

--Talking on your cell phone in public restrooms--how do we feel about it? It kind of bugs me. Is that wrong? Mind you, I said public restrooms. I know, I know, with some people you're just on "that level" that you can talk while you're in the bathroom. But when you do it in public, you're bringing everyone else into the situation.

--Tonight, one of my housemates is cooking "Jack's Surprise." This is the one who does not really know how to cook but is learning through experimentation. And the rest of us are guinea pigs.

--the weather in the Iowhat is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it has occurred to me

2007-04-17T15:48:00.000-06:00

lessons learned, things remembered

2007-04-13T12:15:00.000-06:00

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

um, yeah, so, uh, hey

2007-04-09T20:56:00.000-06:00

..easter was nice. i guess. for some reason, my housemates decided going to the church easter breakfast which consisted of disgusting food was a good idea. but then they left my brother and i at home, which made him extremely upset. he got over it after he got some breakfast caserole in him. dinner was nice. not sure how bbq pork loin fits into the whole easter thing. i would have chosen a different method of preparation. i hate 4 g&t's during dinner and passed out, which facilitated good conversation and then lead to a nice nap.

...work still sucks.

...met up with amil on friday night. lj of course called and asked why i was at a bar on good friday. well, it fit into amil's schedule, so there you go.

...looking forward to relocation, but also angsty about it. wondering how it will work out.

this american life

2007-04-01T14:47:00.000-06:00

i am going through withdrawl right now. i ran out of one of my medications and since i do not have health insurance, i can't get it renewed or pay for it for that matter. the half-ass health insurance (you know, the kind that will maybe let you go to the ER if your leg falls off, but only if it's bleeding real bad) will kick in from my temp organization soon, however, this is somewhat futile since i am not allowed to take any time off during the first 90 days of my assignment, so no doctor's appointments. so no drugs for amischwab for awhile, i have got the shakes a little bit, but i am coping pretty well. one day at a time.

in good news, i got a letter from the student loan people that my application for forebearance of my loans has been approved.

my friends, this is the new american life. it is not a complaint, though it certainly does suck, but i know so many of us are in the same boat. we did everything right: we worked hard through school, college, first and second jobs, then grad school--we did the "right" thing--and we're left in a precarious position. done with school and unable to find a decent paying job for months while facing what amounts to a small mortgage when we are just starting out.

i hope it's worth it.

i finally got over the constant urge to cry at the new temp job by thursday. then on friday my boss discovered that the two previous temps had left a backlog of work at least two weeks long that she expects to have taken care of by monday. huh, pretty sure i cannot undo space and time, but we'll see.

hunkering down

2007-03-27T21:49:00.000-06:00

so i got a new temp gig. i am working in the tax department of a large bank. it's pretty exciting. i sort mail and faxes all day long. so i would rate my job satisfaction as: high. nevermind that i have the constant urge to weep all day long, that i have no human interaction, and my supervisor does not speak to me--it's a job.

no really, i am glad to have a gig again. hopefully, i will be able to save a lot in order to finally make my big move. i just try and focus on that. all of the above is true and i know you appreciate a dry sense of humor.

i applied for the last job i will apply for in iowa this evening. it is as a product marketing manager and involves a lot of domestic and international travel. i figure by the odd chance i do get it, this could be a decent home base for a couple of years. the cost of living is cheap, so i could pay off a decent chunk of el grad school loanos. we'll see--i'll probably just intimidate the hell out of those people anyway, per usual.

so yes, some serious hunkering down going on here.

rolla and i had our typical monday evening meeting at le continental, which was nice. the weather was good--we could have even sat outside. spring smells good, but rolla said all that she could smell was cigarette smoke. that is pretty much the extent of my social life. tonight, i hung out with my dad and watched law and order. suhhhweeet.

since it is no longer minus eighteen degrees celcius in the iowhat, i have started to go on walks again since i no longer have a gym membership and the eliptical at home gets old and running hurts my knees, yes, i powerwalk around suburban iowhat with techno playing on my ipod and yellow sneakers. really it is a classic amischwab moment. and really, i should laught about it more.

i talked to my friend kel-lay on sunday evening. i just think you should all know what an amazing person she is. really, i have thought about her a lot this past year, after being rejected from so many jobs and feeling like i am falling away from my dreams. see, kel-lay is an opera singer and lives in manhattan. she has a fancy corporate job by day in order to support her numerous auditions, lessons, etc. she gets rejected all of the time--it is almost like a lifestyle choice. but she knows what she is meant to do, so she persists, even though she might be happier somewhere else. so shout outs and smooches to her. she is just one of the people who i am thankful to have to help keep me going.

it's time...

2007-03-20T11:36:00.000-06:00

...and i am a little nervous.

after many conversations with friends back in the PNW and my family here, i have realized that it is time for plan Z.

i have tried really hard to make things work in iowhat, but i find myself mistreated and undervalued. it is frankly a little ridiculous. so i've got to move on.

so i think i am moving to chicago. i do not know how this will happen or exactly when, but i have to do something. i can't wait around here much longer.

updates to follow.

so, i kind of lied

2007-03-13T12:15:00.000-06:00

when i said last week that i expected nothing or very little from this trip, i lied. i expected to have a lot of time and i would use this time to sit in coffee shops with free wireless and work on the el job searcho, blog, catch up on e-mail, etc. alas, this did not happen at all. it does not mean that this was not a valuable experience, but i am exhausted and feel like i have a lot of catching up to do when i get back to the iowhat.
i hate this feeling of being behind. it is like oversleeping, except i have overslept by ten days, not ten minutes. so i will probably spend the next 24 hours self-loathing and then become highly productive tomorrow.

all dressed up and nowhere to go (or no one to take me)

2007-03-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

It has been said that the core of human fear stems from abandonment. When one is in need or in danger and there appears to be no means of protection or no way of escaping a situation, one experiences fear that can be traced to an overwhelming sense of utter hopelessness. In these situations, we require someone else to rescue us and it often seems or is actually the case that there is no one to perform this role.

Abandonment is an emotion I have experienced frequently during the last several months. One could argue that avoiding this feeling is what drives our behavior. It is true that much of what I have tried to accomplish in order to take back my life relates to this. Recently, I have come to understand and accept that this is inherent in the human experience. I would like to think that it does not drive all that I do, but at the end of the day, I am sure that one could make a convincing argument that this was the case.

I find myself again experiencing this poisonous emotion. We experience it in a variety of situations, from medical crises to a relationship ending to a loved-one passing on. There are also the mundane cases, but abandonment feels the same. I am sitting on a front porch waiting for a taxi to take me to an interview and it has yet to come. I called an hour and a half ago to order the cab and I am now forty minutes late for the interview. This is, of course, not the impression I would like to make on the organization. Alas, I do not having another option. I am feeling abandoned.

My extreme tardiness to this meeting could affect the course of my life. I say this with caution, knowing that it might appear that I am blowing the situation out of proportion. It may also turn out that the recruiters will totally understand the situation and overlook my now forty-five minute lateness. One might say that this is an opportunity to demonstrate how I behave in crisis situations and will actually make me a more credible candidate. I can rationalize almost any outcome.

In the end, though, I have no control. I have called the taxi company a total of four times and I always receive the same answer, that I am next on the list, that they are busy. I have phoned other companies as well and the story is the same. There is no access to another form of public transportation where I am at and walking might have been an option three hours ago, but no longer.

In short, I am feeling abandoned. At first, I was enraged by the situation. My anger has yet to fully subside, but I now find myself saddened by potentially missing an opportunity at a chance to present myself and my abilities to a potential employer. And yes, the taxi has still not arrived, I am fifty minutes late now.

To extrapolate this though process even further, perhaps to its end, much of this has to do with time. Time has bound me to arriving late. It is also time, however, that will free me. At the end of this day, I will enjoy time with old friends and I am sure the events of the day will not be significant. If, in fact, I never make it to the interview or any for that matter, time will inevitably produce other opportunities. So life continues and time will also bring our inevitable death when time will no longer matter to us and all of these situations will be forgotten.

This is verging on coming across as morbid, but the same is true in the present. We know that each day will end and that the sun will rise. In the meantime, it is our charge to take advantage of the time we are given. We will fail and succeed over and over again. We will grow tired, yet we will rest and attempt once again to fulfill the charges of the day. Morning will come and in the end, we will come to find to comfort and solace that each and every one of us craves and needs. Of this I am convinced.

(p.s. taxi never showed, no other companies could help me. i missed the interview and could just say sorry.)

automobiles, then planes, then trains, then busses

2007-03-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

so here's the deal:

- ol' blue and i braved the recently opened interstate and drove to omaha and spent the night before getting up at 3:00 am to catch flight.

- flew into portland from omaha (wanna save $500 when travelling from dsm? go to omaha!)

- took train into city to drop stuff off at a-squared's apartment.

- borrowed a-squared's car and went over the river, through the woods to grandpa and grandma's house (literally, itwas quite a drive).

- spent 3 FULL days with grandparents, which was nice, but intense. lots of tears. trips to doctor, grocery store, doctor again, and my personal favorite, the department of motor vehicles.

- lots of good talk time with a-squared throughout. i honestly would not have made it through the time in P-Town without them. they are just fantastic.

- other sites visited in P-Town: Nordstrom Rack (wow!), The Boiler Room, some other random place on Burnside.

- took train to T-Town. Picked up by foxer. Dinner at the Spar. Foreign film with subtitle afterwards and beer. Typical evening for the foxer and I.

- hitched a ride with foxer to work, saw old boss/friend for coffee and kashi (that's why I was so gassy yesterday!), lunch with mentor. good times.

- dinner at Silk Thai (har har!) with MJ and jillywog. So good (when did I last have Thai food?) and then beers at E9 in the North End of T-Town.

- finally, a morning to myself. interview this afternoon. not looking forward to ironing my garments.

- tonight: pub crawl with Kaka and Frick et al.

so yeah, it's been busy, but fun, actually. quite unexpected.

sometimes, you don’t want any more helpful advice, you just need a glass of water

2007-03-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

i am visiting my undergraduate campus today. If you have ever done this, you know that it is strange, pretty much on the same level as visiting your old high school or primary school for that matter. A person’s years at university were supposedly very formative. Thus visiting campus, even if it is only to see a few select individuals, is like stepping back into a pressure cooker. Here I am, it is if I am saying, did I turn out like you had hoped? Did you receive the return on investment you had hoped for? Some people had placed high bets on me and I on myself, perhaps even higher.

I have not achieved what I thought I would have by this time. Four years ago when I thought about my future, I did not expect anything that has occurred, particularly over the last year. In avoiding those people from my past, I am also avoiding those antiquated expectations. I am also avoiding helpful advice that would put me back on that track. See, that advice is just another form of placing expectations on someone. Really, I do not need any more. I know what options are available, I know that should these not materialize or work out, I have the flexibility to seek out others, and I know that this all takes time. I also know that I am the worst about expecting a great deal from myself and I do not believe that this is unreasonable. I understand what I am capable of and what I need to do in order to support my capabilities.

One learns the difference between expecting what another person will do and expecting what they will become as a person. By no means am I doing what I or others expected. Many goals and dreams seem stagnant now or have died altogether. At the same time, the self is still very much alive, though it has formed itself and been formed in different ways than what was projected.

The people we want to connect with are those that care about the life inside the form and not the form itself. They are those who provide the rich soil and water and fertilizer in which we grow, not those with pruning shears and saws. The shears and saws are the helpful advice. Just as a tree will not fully thrive if the gardener continues to chop away any new growth in order to keep it in a particular form, the self too will eventually stagnate when continuously chopped at with helpful advice.

In German, the word for a nursery is “Baumschule,” which literally translates as “tree school.” I believe this is a wonderful metaphor for formal education. Schools, universities, and other places where we have teachers and mentors, so nurseries are full of gardeners that tend to plants and trees in a variety of ways. Some are concerned with giving helpful advice, others enrich the soil and let the plants grow as they are meant to.

It is not difficult to find gardeners who will prune trees. Finding ones who will water the trees is rare. It is a far less glamorous task, but it is vital for the survival of the tree.

wide open spaces

2007-03-04T15:02:00.000-07:00

To be totally honest I expect nothing from this trip. I do not even think it will be that enjoyable. Yes, it will be nice to see family and friends. It will be nice to get away from the snow. Otherwise, I have no hope or belief that it will bring something more.

I am sitting at the Denver airport. The horizon is defined not by fields as it is in Iowa, but by the Rocky Mountains. When I lived here, I never found them that remarkable. It is true that they are mighty, springing up from the plains out of nowhere. At the same time, to me they do not compare to the volcanoes of the Pacific Northwest that tower above mighty rivers that flow into the expanse of the Pacific. This morning, however, they are magnificent. Again, I never sat and looked at them before. Perhaps I was too wrapped up in other things while I was here. I did not pay attention to a lot of things when I was in Denver. I never thought it would be a significant place in my journey, but given the events of the past year, it turned out to have been stage of some major scenes.

Living in different places as well as travel for me has little to do with location, though I have enjoyed what cities ranging from Washington, DC to Berlin and Windhoek to Prague have had to offer in terms of culture and climate. How I long for a hot afternoon in February in Namibia! Picture sitting by the pool in the desert with a gin and tonic. After the blizzard, that sounds about as close to paradise as I can imagine. That aside, it is who I have met that has made the difference. These people who have enabled me to see myself and see beyond myself have made all the difference. In Iowa, I must admit that there has been more of the former, which has been excruciating at times. There is no truly other word to describe it. I have been accompanied to new depths by those at that stopping point and I have gone deeper all by myself. At times, I have felt weighed down by people who seemed more like psychotherapy patients than friends. I realized that as I consoled them, I was counseling myself. As I explained what I had learned from years of what can be best described as hard living, I was teaching it to myself all over again. There was so much I had not noticed and so much I had forgotten.

For one, I have ceased to believe in signs in Iowa. So-called signs seemed to point me in a variety of directions during my time there. These ways turned out to be dead ends at the end of very rough roads. Kraeutle says there are still signs, but it depends on how we interpret them. Perhaps he is correct and I was just too compulsive or even frivolous in identifying signs.

On my flight from Omaha to Denver, I slept for most of the way, but as we were landing the man next to me asked where I was going. I told him I was going to Portland. As a friendly gesture, I returned the question. He was going to Seattle. Yes, I would be going there on Wednesday as well. The conversation continued and it turned out he actually lived in a suburb of Tacoma and his mother had worked for 25 years at the company where I have an informational interview on Friday. Six months ago, I believe that the silly me would have thought that perhaps this connection meant something, in other words, it was a sign that something might come out of this. Now I just think the world is small and full of coincidences. It was a teachable moment in that sense.

You might recall from writings and photos what a fantastic social life I had in Denver. For a short time, my paths crossed with those of some brilliant, fun, and caring people. At same time, our lives remained parallel in many respects. In graduate school, one is so focused on one’s career and there is a great deal of internal and external pressure. We had our time here filled with late nights in the library, later nights at one of the hundreds of great bars and lounges Denver has to offer, and yet again, even later nights that turned into mornings at the library. Now we are all scattered throughout the world—from West Africa to California to Manhattan. We chat, we comment on each other’s blogs and myspace pages, and there is the occasional phone call. The lines of our lives that intersected for a brief moment have now taken other tangents. Perhaps they will cross again, but certainly not in the way they did here. We will meet for a martini at the Bar Rouge in DC or spend a weekend in Seattle together, we will laugh and reminisce, and our lines will then swerve in another direction once again, just as they swerved into each other here in Denver.

Today this city is just a stopping point and I will not even leave the terminal. The expanse of the plains and the towering Rockies have reminded me of Wide Open Spaces—that song that so simply says so much about growth, growing up, and moving on. In front of these mountains this land is so flat I truly feel like I can stretch my arms again and take off with wings that have been frozen during a chilling winter. Though they were broken and stiff for so long, they still have strength. Are airports, fellow passengers, and airplanes signs of things to come? I do not believe so. They are simply a coincidental backdrop to my own takeoff.

As I step onto the airplane for my next flight, I will.

another day

2007-03-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

it is an overcast, dark morning here in the iowhat. Right now, it is drizzling, but blizzard conditions are expected later. Sweet!

I believe that most of my colleagues are scouring the supply cabinet to find blunt objects with which to end their own lives as they find this weather totally depressing. I, on the other hand, am surprisingly chipper. Perhaps this is due to growing up in a place where it was like this all the time. I told a coworker about my freshman year of college when we had 100 days straight without sun. Now that was a little much, but otherwise, you just drink a lot of coffee and light candles. These are the tools of survival in the Pacific Northwest. It is true, they are not as sexy as those with more extreme weather: snow blowers, plows, rock salt, gravel. Whoah, I am feeling a little woozy thinking about how amazing it must be to operate a snow blower. A snow blower is definitely better than a candle.

I just turned around and looked out the window. The Seattle weather is gone. It is now snowing. Someone told me they are closing the interstate at noon. The Apocalypse of winter, let us hope. It seems like no one is working but rather staring at sattelite images. Seriously, I just walked through the cubes and everyone was looking at the dopplar.

(Note to self: Pills, The Perishers—good song—how did it end up on my iPod? Anyone?)

In many respects, this is like living in a foreign country. The hardest part of living abroad are not the things you notice, but the things you do not notice, or perhaps more accurately, you do not notice and people do not notice that you do not notice. So here I am, a west side kid who has no f-ing clue what the deal with the weather is. like, do people go home early? will they tell me to go home? or will i pop my head out of the cube at noon and find myself totally alone in this huge building because they assumed i would know what to do?

people are starting to leave. the slush is beginning to turn into ice. wtf? i guess i gotta wait.

doppler picture

2007-03-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

i see a lot of things in this doppler picture. there's a snake. there is what looks like a primitive map of the united states. there is an arm flexing with a fist. what else? gimme your best shot.

relief

2007-02-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

i did not get the job in kansas city.

and i am relieved.

there was something that did not feel right about it, but i knew if i did get it, i would have no justifiable reason not to take it.

so we continue.

breakfast of champions...

2007-02-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

...snickers satisfies.

now that we have established that, i can move on. the swiss miss, who has been somewhat MIA lately, commented on my blog. i guess she has been bizzy, which i understand, but she also updated about her fab life in manhattan (which btw, has nothing of dez moinayz, ahem). anyway, it reminded me of berlin. back when we were kids. okay, it was like, er, five years ago, holy crap. we had an interesting life. i mean, we partied, we did artsy things, we sat in parks, we shopped, i showed them all the things i bought in west berlin, we had secret parties when my landlady was away, we made fun of east german teeange girls and loathed the brit trash that had invaded prezlauer berg.

it reminds me that life can take so many turns. even now, as i sit here in the iowhat waiting to hear about a marketing job, i could also become a famous german poet within the next year, move to berlin, wear all black, and sit in cafe's, smoke Gauloises all day, and write. we think we are so limitted in life. and i admit, despite the hopeful-sounding posts i have written the past few days, i feel limitted, too. i am stuck in the middle of nowhere, quite literally.

but i guess this is what hope is--the ability to imagine that something seemingly impossible can happen. and it has. i know it has in my life, starting with making it through the first six weeks of my life. i am sure we all have at least one experience that truly seemed like a miracle. logically, it made no sense. the odds were against us or in our favor, for that matter. but what happened, did. and here we are, but how quickly we unlearn how to hope.

and it continues...

2007-02-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

..."it" being the emotional rollercoaster known as el job searcho. it's actually more like job boot camp in that it breaks you down so low that you are nothing, and so you have to be built back up again. or at least that is what it feels like.

but there is a lot of other stuff to do. like planning for my trip to oregon and washington. it has been almost year since i was there. i have so many people to see and since this is all kind of last minute, i am sending all of these desperate e-mails to people "please make time for coffee/lunch/beer/whatever."

of course, priority number one is seeing my grandparents. that will be quite an experience i am sure. more on that later. rolla just got back into town so I am gonna go say hey.

lest we mire in what is...

2007-02-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

i was reminded this morning of what a beautiful gift we all have: imagination--the power to think of what could be, and not just of what is.
i need to dream/fantasize/imagine more.

when i taught english at a township school in namibia, i was totally unprepared for a lesson one day. so i told the class, we are going to take 20 minutes and think about what our dreams are and then write them down. so i set my swatch watch and watched them struggle, watched their confusion, watched them giggle. when the time was up, i asked if anyone wanted to share. those who chose to share expressed pure delight in their fantasies. children in townships in namibia do not receive a lot of opportunities to escape with their minds.

nothing has happened in this world without someone imagining first what could be. perhaps it was academia, perhaps it was too many hard knocks, perhaps it was a constant feeling of exhaustion, but it was so long since i imagined what could be.

towards the end of december when the winter really set in here in iowa, i was at a very deep and dark place in my psyche. i was angry, i was depressed, i was tired. and then an e-mail came from pandu, who happens to be my closest friend in namibia. the subject line in the e-mail was "believe in the god of impossibilities."

really, i didn't need to read the e-mail itself.

whether you are a so-called person of faith or have some other belief system or claim nothing at all, i believe the message is universal. we are all endowed with an imagination.

use it.

(and yes, i did use the verb "fantasize" in this post.)

sometimes, you just have to get out…

2007-02-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

i do not have a very active social life in iowhat. I have Monday evenings with Rolla, Thursday evenings with Amil, and well, the rest involves sitting in my basement, doing a project, possibly accompanied by some pilsner. This is in large part due to (a) the lack of people to hang out with (b) the people I do hang out with have crazy schedules.
Right now, I am tired. I want to go home and take a nap. But I also have a strong desire to go out, to be wild, oh, to be 25 again. It’s like turning 26 immediately aged me. Reruns of Frasier seem good now. I am starting to feel nostalgia or something. And I use eye crème more and more.

Sorry, I just fell asleep for a second there.

Well, it is probably just the weather. It is actually beginning to rain here, not snow. Amazing, huh? I suppose this is good preparation for my trip to Oregon, which will hopefully take place beginning March 4, but we shall see what the travel gods have in mind.

truth from bottle caps

2007-02-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

Now that I have given up soft drinks, Sandeep has picked up the habit. I came back to my desk this afternoon and saw that he had a large bottle of Mountain Dew in his hand. I can tell that though he is happy to have a job for now, he is approaching his limit with this audit process. It is also somewhat comforting to know that the soft drink industry’s loss of my patronage will be made up by my office mate. As he left for the day, he showed me the bottle cap. “Try again, it says” he reads to me. Yes, at the end of the day, all we can do is try again. So we do.

take out your iPod (or whatever)

2007-02-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

hit shuffle. Listen to a song for a few seconds. Does it bring back a distinct memory or feeling? List it here. If not, hit the next button until you come to one that does. Repeat 15 times.

1. Beautiful Day, Mary J. Blige
Walking around Berlin on a sunny spring morning, 2002

2. Lady (Hear Me Tonight), East End
Going to La Dee Da’s in Windhoek, 2001

3. Berlin, The Essex Garden
Late night drives home from the library in Denver, 2004-2006

4. White Flag, Dido
Evenings in my apartment in Neukoelln, 2004

5. Hello, Christina Aguilera
Braais in ZA

6. You Can Close Your Eyes, James Taylor
Early mornings at Starbucks, 2006

7. Sankanda, Bach to Africa
Morning jogs along the canal in Berlin and eating gnats along the way. Fatty German pastries afterwards.

7. Sweet Baby James, James Taylor
Riding the metro to and from work in Washington, DC; Harmony records at Dupont Circle, 2000

8. Route 66, Nat King Cole
Driving to Flagstaff and LA with LJ.

9. No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
Falls semester, junior year at PLU.

10. Eye of the Tiger, Journey
Riding my bike to work on hot summer days, 2006

11. I Can’t Be With You, The Cranberries
A very long train ride from Oregon to North Dakota, 1999

12. Orinico Flow, Enya
Friday afternoons in college with LJ.

13. Round Here, George Michael
Visiting my parents in Washington for the last time.

14. Happy Xmas (War is Over), Sara McLachlan
Working on Christmas Day, 2006

15. Missionary Man, The Eurythmics
Watching my friend's parents dancing in their living room in high school.

sometimes, you just gotta roll with it…

2007-02-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

to exit my neighborhood, there are several options. The one I usually take involves going up a little bit of an incline, except when it is icy, it can be a bit challenging. This morning was the case plus there was a lady sitting in her SUV (on the wrong side of the street, mind you) waiting with her kid at the bus stop (hello, you are missing a perfect opportunity to toughen up your kid!) so once I began to slide, I hung a left instead of a right. So the morning began. Literally, I had to just roll with it, down the hill, that is.

Not that this is really a hill, but by Iowhatan standards, it probably counts.

I couldn’t decided what to listen to on my iPod. Was it an inspirational playlist, a techno playlist, a Beyonce playlist, or a classical playlist needed? Ah, the magic of the shuffle function on the iPod. I rolled with it. (The only thing with shuffle is, however, that sometimes you end up with a Christmas song. But that’s what the next button is for. See, when you roll with it, you can also roll past it if you so desire.)

Instead of going into Starbucks, I went through the drive and got to talk to Auntie M and Kliner. (aside: I just noticed that Kliner wrote “Fritzi Baby” in huge sharpie letters on the side of the cup—wow, I am making such a professional impression!) And I discovered that the gift card someone gave me for my birthday had TWENTY BUCKS on it! Wow! Quad Grande Nonfat With-Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte, here I come!

And pulling out of the parking lot, someone actually let me in. This never happens there. Of course, Ol’ Blue stalled as I pulled away. Still working on getting used to the new clutch.

So Aim is somewhere other than Guinea right now. I know she is going to Morocco and then Spain and then back to Denver. See the PC pulled out of Guinea—some troubles there. (I guess that solves my dilemma as to whether or not I will visit her. Guess not. And I don’t need to worry about my French for the time being, either).

Kraeutle’s mom had to have some major surgery that was quite unexpected.

So between those two events, it has been quite a week and it is only Wednesday.

And it’s Ash Wednesday, which means no more pop until Easter. I have a headache right now and a Coke sounds so good. Especially since it is so warm in this office. Seriously, it is still not warm in the Iowhat, but 20 degrees warmer outside makes about 10 degrees difference inside.

Sandeep and I are up to our elbows, literally, in files. So on break, he declared it was a three cigarette break. It is the most assertive thing he has ever said to me. Alrighty then, let’s speed up the lung cancer process.

so it’s my birthday

2007-02-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

the 25th year of my life is over. That is just fine with me. You may recall the almost birthday disaster from last year. Kaka and I got to Hansen’s in Denver where I had reserved the party room and they had my party booked for March 19th, not February 19th and there was another party booked (some local celebrity to boot—try competing with that!) Anyway, Kaka took control and was like “So what are you going to do about it?” She fixed it. And then we waited around for like an hour and half until anyone showed up. It turned out to be pretty fun in the end.

so when did people start celebrating birthday’s anyway? Is this just another Hallmark thing?
I have forgotten my birthday before. See I am not so much a morning person, so it has been lunch time before I realized what day it was. When I taught English in Namibia, I was in the break room with the teachers and it occurred to me that is was my birthday. I was like, “Oh, hey guys, it’s my birthday!” They looked at me puzzled—how could you forget? I don’t know. I guess my mind was elsewhere.

there’s really nothing special going on today. Well, that’s not true. One of my housemates is cooking meatloaf and mashed potatoes (you can prolly guess which housemate that is).
The weekend was decent. I was invited to go to church with a friend who has not yet received a nickname here. I am pretty traditional as far as church goes, so anything with powerpoint involved in the sermon isn’t really my thing. It’s cool if that works for you, but since I think powerpoint is a bad idea even in business environments, it’s not going to do it for me at church.

(speaking of powerpoint--why do i hate it so much? cause most of you people SUCK at it. it has taken over some organizations--people don't work, they make (bad) powerpoint presentations. usually, they put way too much text in them and just read them, and to me, this is offensive. hello!? i can read! the other thing people do is use all of those freaking animation features that to me totally detract from the content of the presentation.
stick with bullet points, graphs, and pictures when necessary, please.)

i randomly heard from someone last night who i hadn't talked to in a long time. it was a huge surprise, a shock actually. it was uncomfortable, it was hard, it was sad. but you know what? it also provded a milestone for me. i thought about everything that has happened and all the ways i have grown since i had seen or talked to them. so out of left field (sorry to copy you on accident, la canadienne) once again, the heartland surprises you.

i did something rash. i asked a girl out who has a boyfriend. LJ was like, that is so disrespectful. well, shoot, it's just her boyfriend--i don't see any ring on her finger. but maybe i am a total scuzz ball. i just want a date. i don't remember even the last time i was on a date. and this girl is nice, cute, intelligent, so i was like, wtf why not!?

but i think you can prolly guess that amischwab is not so much a scuzz ball. or at least i hope so!

i guess my birthday for me is anticlimatic because my birth itself was. i was born a month late (no big deal) and had kind of a rough start from the get go. the nurse who took my blood didn't wear gloves, so i got a staph infection. so according to my neurologist, this staph infection is what caused some brain damage on my right temporal lobe, which is why i had the seizures during the past year. so you see, this birthday in some ways has particular meaning, because drawing blood on my actual birthday set this all into motion.

but here i am. i didn't die then. and iowhat hasn't killed me either.

so LJ and i finally got to talk last night. and she asked me what i was giving up for lent. oh, uh, i dunno. "ash wednesday is this week!" she exlaimed. so i have decided to try and give up pop again (or soda or whatever it is called). i am addicted to the fizz--that is really what it is. last year i tried and failed. rachel (who is jewish, btw) pointed out to me that tonic water as in gin and tonic, was technically pop, since it has sugar in it and fizz. thanks. so i cheated a little with that. then i got to washington and was under a lot of stress herding cats around i.e. 25 grad students and i just had to have a freaking coke. so i am going to give it another try. it may seem like a lame thing to give up, but i drink a lot of that stuff. i have a fresca when i wake up, a coke at about 10, a coke zero at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then some kind of diet something at dinner. it will be hard, but it ain't dying on the cross.

so that's all for today.

who are these people?

2007-02-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

names have been changed to protect the innocent.

LJ: bff since high school.

kraeutle: the fully german version of the amischwab.

amil: dsm buddy, worked with him at the coffee place. a good buddy all around. thursday nights.

rolla: dsm sister-friend. shares the angst of being a 20-something. used to share every monday night.

kaka: dear friend from grad school. developed friendly codependent relationship. now lives in seattle with her husband frik and baby, sadie.

housemates: i.e. my parents. i lived with them in the iowhat. yeah, i was that cool.

iowhat: where i found myself for about a year. not the cosmopolitan city i am used to living in i.e. berlin, johannesburg, washington, etc.

peipei: another dear friend from grad school. shared many aspects of the journey, including dealing with large amounts of anxiety that came from nowhere.

mattynumbchucks: denver buddy, now lives it up in the east village. the real one, not the one in dsm.

rachel: she doesn't get a secret name. she's just that infamous.

aim: rambles amazing stories from the peace corps.

hf: amazingly happy and successful knitter. on top of that, she is hot.

vera, gueggs, la canadienne: three crazy canadians whom i've never net, but are my most frequent blog readers and in some strange internet world kind of way, there for me.

duncman: young friend from dsm. figuring out life. a caring buddy. major ADD. good kid. now saving the world in LA.

minx: the cat. drools way less than nawa. sleeps, mostly.

nawa: my ex (dog, that is). now resides with cute family in dsm. originally from south africa.

auntie M: motherly figure with whom i used to work at the coffee place. still talk to on phone regularly.

kliner: a mini-version of Auntie M.

a-squared: the closest thing to family besides family. fun and supportive friends from back in the day, now married.

foxer: i was instrumental in getting her her current job (i was on the interview committee, not sure she is glad now). ended up travelling to namibia together for work. we have IKEA competitions: who can get the most for $20.

MJ and jillywog: college friends. former landladies as well. now kind temporary roomates.

kel-lay: also a close friend. met in college, but have become better friends since then. lives in manhattan because she has to right now, would rather be singing arias under some douglas fir trees.

Le Continenal: the only watering hole in dsm worth mentioning. good food, mixed crowd, best bartenders.

and the list will continue to grow...

this starts out a little different than it ends

2007-02-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

So there this woman I work with who, especially for being an Iowhatan, is pretty put together as far as how she presents herself. And in this new era of women working outside of the home (yes, this is still kind of new here) some of the old traditions remain, like selling stuff on the side for extra cash. She sells this jewelry stuff to the other ladies and it’s actually kind of cool stuff. But they sit there and look at it and they say, “Sigh, I am so boring, I could never wear this stuff.” And so I am thinking, yes, you ARE boring. Try something different—jewelry would be a good first step. If you think you are boring and you don’t like that, well, find a healthy way to change that. See, there is somewhat meaning in this opening message.

Thank goodness I left so early for work today. No, not due to a traffic jam or something that would occur anywhere else, but because the line at the coffee place was out to the door!

Thursdays at the Beechwood did not happen last night. Rolla went on vacation, Amil had too much to do. Kind of disappointing, but Amil and I are doing something tonight. Wow, imagine going out on a Friday night. I don’t remember the last time I did that or on any night when normal people go out. Oh, the life of being in retail. Normalcy is interesting, but far more crowded.

My contract is supposed to be up next Friday—yay for being unemployed. So I think I am going to fly back to Oregon and enjoy a week of the rain instead of the cold. I am pretty sure some ice crystals have started to form in my bone marrow. I love my Canadians, but alas, a move to Toronto or Montreal or anywhere not in southern BC looks a little unrealistic since I am barely holding onto my sanity in the coldness of the upper Midwest. So unless Vera proposes some time in the future and demands that I be her love slave for all eternity in an ice cave, me coming to Canada during the winter is not looking like something I really am interested in. Sorry, no offense. But gosh darn that universal health care—that is kind of a clincher, though.

(later)

Ugh, my mood has changed dramatically. Now I don’t really feel like going out at all. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I am feeling like I can’t do this anymore. I am so tired, tired from the uncertainty and the insecurity. I keep telling myself, you can do it, you can keep it up. And I feel like God is telling me that, too. But I want to tell God, sorry, I have nothing left, I just can’t. It makes me wonder if that is what I am supposed to do at the end of the day, just put it all on God, rather than God giving me the strength to continue. Which direction is it supposed to go? Maybe my approach to God is all wrong. Maybe that statement was all wrong. God approaches me?

In any case, I hate the feeling of not knowing how I am going to pay my bills next month. Working at the coffee shop for months while I was applying for other jobs pretty much depleted my savings. Although being a financial analyst is better paying, I find myself playing catch up with my bills now, trying to just pay off as much as possible. Grad school was expensive, it turns out.

I have worked so hard—going to school, working multiple jobs, dealing with a bunch of other crap, doing my best to be there for others—but now for what? I can’t even move out of my parents’ house! WTF!?!?! Does hard work even matter any more? Does attempting to be a respectable member of this society count for nothing? Who does get rewarded? I’m not asking for a lot I don’t think—I just want my independence back.

Yeah, yeah, I am very fortunate to have the safety net of my family, which many do not. I know Kaka would tell me to go to CNN.com and see how good I have it. But this just seems to be the same thing over and over and over again. My nerves are raw, my soul is beginning to feel bruised by the past 9 months. No, it is bruised. Pretty badly, actually.

God, a gin and tonic sounds good right now. But that is about an hour long solution to what has been the anger, pain, feeling of abandonment, stress, and worries of the last months. I need a big change, God, I need it real soon.

Anyway, it has started to snow. I have other things to worry about for this moment i.e. how ol’ blue with its rear-wheel drive is going to perform. Oh goody.

wow! another system that doesn't work!

2007-02-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

okay, I do not get these career websites with their high-techy job matching tools. here are some of the “opportunities” I’ve been sent that “match” my “profile”:

Firefighter
Administrative Assistant
Shuttle Bus Driver
Restaurant Assistant Manager
Lawn Care Specialist
High School Principal
Truck Driver
Surgical Consultant
Housekeeper
Warehouse Worker
Welder
Gift Shop Coordinator
Flight Attendant
Sous Chef
Security Guard
Electrician

so what did we learn today?

2007-02-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

--Big blonde poofy hair makes you look like a cocker spaniel.

--Don’t pick your wedgie when there is the possibility that others can see it.

--Quote of the Day: “I was ahead in the slalom. But in the second run, everyone fell on a dangerous spot. I was beaten by a woman who got up faster than I did. I learned that people fall down, winners get up, and gold medal winners just get up faster.” Bonnie St. John, Olympic amputee skier.

“where are we, what the hell is going on…”

2007-02-14T15:20:00.001-07:00

there are some things that you just have to accept. this is the topic today.

--Bulky snow boots are never going to look good with your navy pinstripe pants and tweed overcoat.

--Valentine’s Day is stupid, whether you’re single or in a relationship. Why? Well, if you are single, people just want to make you feel bad for that, but why? If you are in a relationship, it is waste of money. Mmmkay, one example. A middle age couple, kind of just going through the motions. For the woman, it’s an excuse to get a present from her otherwise emotionally detached husband. For the man, it’s an excuse for the woman to, uh, you know.

--People in the Iowhat will never learn to use their turn signals on the freeway. They just won’t so accept it and just be careful.

--Most people are dumb and lazy—this is true at all levels of organizations. Accept it and you will have less angst (but still the same amount of frustration) in your life.

--Men (and women) will for some goddamn reason continue to wear pleated khaki pants. I have given up on that one. I don’t understand it. I will just have to accept it.

--text messaging is one of the best and worst inventions ever.

--I am one of those people who honestly does not mind working in a cubicle. But there are moments when I hear a song and I want to get on top of my desk and rock out.

life's soundtrack

2007-02-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

Directions
1. Open up your library (Foobar, iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question below type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. No repeat artists…stuff happens (randomly!!).
7. No cheating or doctoring your list to make yourself look cooler than the person you took this from.

The Result

Opening Credits: El Dorado by Manu Chau

First Day of School: Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake

Falling in Love: Places in My Past by James Taylor

Breaking up: Vagabond by Henri Salvador (how appropriate—since most of b-up’s have been in large part to me moving)

Prom: Bye Bye Baby by Janis Joplin

Life’s Ok: Just One of those Things by Ella Fitzgerald

Mental Breakdown: Brandenburg Concerto No. 1 by Bach

Driving: My Baby Just Cares for Me by Nina Simone

Flashback:Quand L’amour Meurt by Marlene Dietrich

Getting Back Together: Strength Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie

Wedding Scene: Fire and Rain by James Taylor

Birth of Child: Shebeen by Hugh Masekela (btw, a shebeen is a bar in a shack in South Africa)

Final Battle: Interlude: Living by India.Arie

Death Scene: All Over the World by Nat King Cole

Funeral Scene: Discotheque by U2

End Credits: Patience from the Dreamgirls Soundtrack

Huh, that was kinda fun.

mia

2007-02-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

yes, i have been missing the past week or so i think. i am not sure. it has been busy.
(side note: i hate creepy people who hang around starbucks).
um, k, anyway, so i had an interview down in KC on thursday. it was a three-hour long behavioral interview with three different guys. it was tough, but i was prepared and i did my best, so that is all i can do. the thing is, i was the first out of seven candidates they are interviewing so it will literally be weeks until i hear anything. plus, as LJ pointed out, when there are that many candidates, i will either be the benchmark and everyone else will look bad or everyone else will be good, too and they will just forget about me.
(ok, another sidetrack--three teenage girls just walked into starbucks. my buddy duncman is working and he is only 20 and these are totally the kind of chicks he runs after. sigh, so pathetic).
(addt'l side note: bad 80's bangs at 1 o'clock ahhhhhhhhhhhh!).
so in the meantime i will continue to financially analyze things at the bank headquarters and look for more jobs--fun! i was so busy preparing for this one that i have kind of gotten off track. but that is also ok because i needed a break from monster and careerbuilder and the various individual company websites.
so i am pretty exhausted tonight. it was a hard couple of weeks for my household between my housemates' (i.e. mes parents) job stress, my interview stress, and just general emotional terrorism from a variety of angles.
mais c'est la vie, non?
wow, my french is amazing.
so going back to the interview, one of the questions HR made them ask was if i thought i would be ok living in Kansas City. um yeah. if i can be ok in the iowhat (pause: thank god creepy guy just left) then i think living in one of the best cities in the midwest would be fan-freaking-tastic. no really, i do like the city quite a bit the couple of times i've been there. and as i was reminded yesterday evening while i was out and about, this is a pretty small place and so i am kind of tired of having nowhere to be anonymous or have people being nosy. then of course, i've run into people i've known in some of the largest cities i've been in as well, so yes, the world is small, but it doesn't have to be as small as the iowhat.
ok, so your world is as large as you make it. but you know what i mean.
back to french, i was hoping to start practicing again (or don't you canadians say practising??) because i was hoping to maybe go visit aim in guinea but since i currently have no well-paying employment, that is not looking so good. plus, she was like evacuated to mali because of some union uprisings or something, so we shall see.
ok, btw, i got the 2007 grammy mix cd because the rental car i received to go down for my interview had a cd player but no ipod hookup thingy so i stopped and just bought a cd. anyway, i should do a better job of exploring new music and this was a great way to do it--those rock stars made some good stuff last year. wtg! even if a lot of it is pretty poppy!
ok people, smooches.

hey, i am here

2007-01-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

yes, i am a temp. i have no internet access during the day and the connection at home has, per usual, been if-y.
so i am a "financial analyst" at a major bank. it pays pretty well, which is nice. i have a nice cubicle mate, also a "f-a-temp", who also smokes, so we have a common bond. we don't talk much, but that is okay, since i don't think we'd have much to chat about.
it is so freaking cold here! i swear my ears have almost fallen off a couple of times!

i do have exciting news. i have a job interview next thursday for a job i am pretty excited about. so i will be preparing for that this weekend. wow--a real, live interview!!!!!!!!!

that's about it.

the abc's of amischwab

2007-01-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

A is for Age: almost 26 (crap!)

B is for Beer of choice: Fat Tire

C is for Career: I'll let you know later.

D is for favourite Drink: espresso, gin and tonic

E is for Essential item I use everyday: lots of Kiehl's stuff

F is for Favourite song at the moment: "could you be loved" by bob marley

G is for favourite Game: i hate games, i do like playing tennis, though

H is for Hometown: duh, er, ahem

I is for Instruments I play: piano, used to be able to play saxaphone, clarinet, cello, and viola

J is for favourite Juice: orange i guess

K is for Kisses: to too hard, not too soft, not too wet or dry

L is for Last kiss: i wish i could remember

M is for Meaning of Life: most people are dumb and lazy but will not admit it, which is the root of all problems

N is for Noticeable Scars: knee and elbow--mountain biking snafoo in germany; stomach--apendectomy; left wrist--scratch from nawa

O is for Overnight Hospital stays: several

P is for Phobias: mannequins

Q is for Quote: "africa unite, for we're moving from babylon"

R is for Rice Krispie Squares: yes, i like them

S is for Steak: medium well, with sauce

T is for Time I wake up: normally around 5, since i have been unemployed, more like 9

U is for Underwear: i try to match with what i am wearing

V is for Vegetables I love: corn, carrots, snow peas, tomatoes (technically not a veg, but oh well), zucchini, cucumbers

W is for Worst habit: smoking and shaving irregularly

X is for X-rays I’ve had: most recently, my head.

Y is for Yummy food I make: schnitzel, spaetzle, coconut curry chicken, pad thai, lemon caper chicken

Z is for Zodiac: cock

the dichotomy

2007-01-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

so i am in yet another small town today, perry. for some reason, when i think of where i eventually want to live, it is either in the city or in the country/very small town. the suburbs do not interest me. what can metropolis and smallville have in common? i am discovering that the similarity is that people talk to each other and know each other. they are interested in each other's lives. it takes on different forms, different media, but the concept is the same. people are so closed off in the burbs--they are almost lifeless. people go to their jobs in the city and then close themselves off in their house or tightly fenced backyard.
i suppose this is totally obvious to everyone else.

indianola

2007-01-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

the central iowa tour continues. yesterday's destination was a town called indianola. the countryside was beautiful. some of the pictures are a little crooked due to taking pictures while driving.

the last of the fauxhicans...

2007-01-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

...if i look skeptical, it's because i am

so i got a faux-hawk (sp?). i told the lady who cuts my hair, marypat, to do whatever. someone screams in the background "do something fun and trendy." this is all she knew how to do in that category and i am not even sure it counts as trendy anymore, so now i prolly have a passe haircut. marypat said she saw it on a bartender the other night and it looked good. ye-ah, that is that the image i am going for. new do--new career?

it's like you were here

2007-01-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

coffee shops, free wifi, c'est la vie

i never claimed this stuff was interesting

2007-01-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

so it's day 2 of the 365-day weekend. at least half of my caloric intake has been chocolate because i am too lazy to eat anything else and it has been while since i have eaten chocolate and i have a bunch still from christmas. another quarter of my calories has come from beer, the remainder from actual food. since coffee and tea don't really have significant caloric value, they do not get a portion of the total, though i have consumed a bunch of each.
i have looked at a lot of jobs. i have applied for, uh, none of them.
i have done half of a load of laundry (i.e. it is not dry yet).
so basically, i have wasted a bunch of time. and so now the guilt and anxiety will set in, which means i will go home and try to start doing a bunch of stuff, that is, unless i go have a drink somewhere, which will just put me to sleep.
i am in ames, which is north of dsm in the iowhat. i just needed to go somewhere different. it is the home of ISU, so it's basically a college town and there is a coffee shop on main st. that has free wi-fi, hence my ability to write this.
a lady accross the room is staring at me as i down the sixth of eight mini chocolate bars.
a guy with a very long beard just walked past me in a polka dot dress. not the outfit i would have chosen today.

ooo, that sixth chocolate bar may have been the last. now experiencing the beginning of what may be a candy hangover.
i am drinking rooibos tea, which has been brewed in a glass caraffe. i know tea is pretty in these glass caraffe things, but they do not really keep them warm. it's a liter of water just getting colder and colder. and i will probably have to stop and go to the bathroom ten tims on the 45 minutes drive back to dsm.

i am supposed to go out tonight (tuesday! party up!) with some now former co-workers/friends to celebrate my freedom from the retail coffee business, but i kind of want to watch a movie at home. but maybe i will find the energy. kind of wrong when you don't want to be at your own party.

if the temp agency is correct, i should start a 5-6 week project management job sometime next week. but i have become skeptical about all of this job stuff, so i will believe it when my ass is in the cubicle. in the meantime, expect more of this uninteresting stuff.

unexpected

2007-01-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

vera randomly pops up with comments sometimes that are simply the best. she sent me a link to some metal-ish group whose lyrics i couldn't really understand until i followed along with the text. but the last words, spoken, meant the most to me, because i have found them to be so unexpectedly true:

"despair is when we know without a doubt what the future will bring, so in that sense, despair is not only a sin, theologically, it is also a simple mistake, because no one actually knows.
In that sense, there always is hope."

i like them so much, I have made them my new tag line (to your right).

Thanks, v.

shoveling snow...

2007-01-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

...goes well with bob marley on your iPod. try it.

the midwestern education continues

2007-01-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

we are having our first real snow here in iowhat. it is still all a novelty to me, so my thoughts are not,
"what if we get snowed in and don't have food and basic supplies?"
but rather,
"what if we run out of wine?"

i shoveled snow for the first time that i can remember today (picture to follow). not enough snow to shovel in oregon and in denvuh and germany, i always had a service to do it for me. it was not as glamorous as i had expected. but at least i could skip the gym.

this evening is my last shift at the coffee company. i am so not looking forward to working, though i am doing the shift with some good people. i suppose that is how last days are at most places. i have had many last days, but they have usually involved cleaning out my desk and having extended lunches with colleagues, oh and purging my hard drive. oh the cushy corporate life.

what will i do tomorrow? not sure--been awhile since i have not had a job to go to. it kind of scares me, but i am sure i will keep busy. finding a job is, after all, a full-time job. i was kind of hoping to go see my grandparents out on the coast, but when you're unemployed, especially voluntarily unemployed, dropping cash on a trip, though an important one, is not such a good strategy. i might go to wisconsin and see my brother instead, that is, if the weather holds.

i knew the past couple weeks would be tough because i would be wanting to not be at the job anymore and i would be nervous about finding another one. the next couple of few weeks will be interesting. i am trying to take delight in this and not be afraid.

this is part of taking back my life.

i'm such a bandwagoner

2007-01-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

new year, new look, even new URL--that seems to be the trend.
the blog is, afterall, a living thing.
er, kind of.
so i jumped on.
i feel cool now.
cool like a canadian.

donuts?

2007-01-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

i have worked in a variety of indutries, but never within the baking industry, if there is such a defined thing (which I am guess there is not).
so i keep getting these e-mails from donotreply@abcxyz.com. why are donuts replying to me at all of these companies when i have no experience in the donut industry?
then i realized, it was an "o" and not a "u" and it was saying DO NOT REPLY.
donuts on the brain--the problem with my job search.

oh, the uncertainty

2007-01-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

yes, i quit the coffee shop. as of sunday, i will be unemployed. ah, the 365-day weekend. in the meantime, i am hoping to have a break and hopefully do temp jobs while continuing to apply for positions that have three components: they pay, they are for a company that is doing something valuable, and i can do them. is that asking so much?
basically, the coffee job was sucking the life out of me, which did not put me in a good position to be interviewing or applying for jobs. i mean, i was applying for stuff, but i was not myself--i was exhausted and bitter all the time. so i took the leap and gave my two weeks on new year's eve (yes, i had something real to celebrate).
you knew all of that already, i realize.
but so far, it has worked. i am ami-schwab again! perhaps not totally.
in 2006, i lost grasp on my life.
in 2007, i will take it back.
and i am.

what can I say?

2007-01-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

i wish i could come up with an interesting set of things to write here, a "2006 in review" if you will. on one hand, you've been with me, though virtually, through it all. on the other hand, i have little to say.
i do not make resolutions. i do not enjoy setting myself up for failure. i recognize that january 1 is ultimately an arbitrary date. but i do appreciate it symbolic meaning--a chance for a new start.
since i am, in addition to being all business savvy, also a romantic and fan of literature, i can appreciate the symbolic, so i have embraced in some ways this day.
for one, 2007 has started out way better than 2006. in 2006, i rang in the new year in freakin' utah in a crappy motel with a worked up dog and an equally worked up mother on my way back to denver. not sure which part was the worst.
2007 was spent with friends here in the iowhat, friends who have stuck by me during this time of transition or limbo, however it turns out. there was nothing extra-ordinary about the night. we had a good-enough time. it was better than utah for sure.
i wanted to be able to say i had had some sense of rebirth over the holidays. frankly, they wore me out.
the fam and i did venture to kansas city to do some shopping and some historical tourism. so i used my two days off to do stuff. would have also benefitted from spending them in bed. but good times still the same.
my attitude is good, though. i am sticking with trying to be positive and doing my best at the whole having faith thing. my iPod and my devotions help me as does the occassional gin and tonic.
i quit my job at the coffee place. it sucked the life out of me. that is a huge step for me. i love my people there, but i hated the business. going on job interviews being exhausted and bitter is not such a good strategy. hopefully i can temp in the meantime. i really hope, actually, because visa needs some money from me, about once a month actually (so demanding!). i have faith it will work out.

what i can say at the beginning of 2007 is that despite the fact that i am literally floored by 2006, my heart is also filled with gratefulness for the amazing people i have encountered along the way and the amazing support those already in my life have given me. yes, it has all been exceedingly difficult, but i have grown so much.

and growth is a sign of life.

Abschied 2006

2007-01-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

two amazing Christmas presents

2006-12-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

as you get older, Christmas loses its childhood magic. there aren't the same kind of surprises as when we were children--we pretty much know what we can expect under the tree.
i've been fortunate the last few days to receive some surprise gifts, though.
a blizzard in colorado nearly shut down the airport in denver so two friends of mine from there who were on their way to the midwest for christmas decided to drive and, as the mainstreet of america, I-80 took them through des moines, so I got to spend about a half hour with them yesterday evening. it was significant for me, because it reminded me of how i was there before all of this crap started. yes, i was stressed and overworked and overextended, but i was positive. mk and chris reminded me of the positive person i was.
and then i finally got an e-mail from ferpan in namibia. the subject line was "believe in the god of impossibilities." whether you are a person of faith or not, you can understand perhaps what this means to me. life seems impossible right now. but i just have to believe.
so whatever you're celebrating right now, remember, believe.

sick of waiting

2006-12-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

i am tired of waiting. for everything. i feel like i have been waiting for about six months. i am impatient.
right now, i am tired of waiting for internet orders. since i live in the middle of nowhere, i order a lot of stuff from the internet. and apparently, iowa is not a real high priority in the shipping/logistics industry. and i am waiting for an excessively expensive item that i do not need, but decided to buy myself for christmas. but this is not about this item.
i am sick of waiting.
how do you be patient?

une question...

2006-12-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

what happened to gueggs? why do i get some website advertising "animal hoarding" when I try to access his blog? i am so confused.

paying it forward

2006-12-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

so in my joke of a job, i usually work the drive thru because (a) i am fast (b) i can multitask (c) (deleted because it was mean)
we have a particular customer who regularly will come to the window and ask to pay for the car behind him. this is really nice, but it insinuates the disaster. due to the way our computer system works, it just really screws things up in a technical manner, and then it spurs a wave of other people wanting to do the same. in a way, this is nice, but on the other hand, i feel they have missed the point. you see, instead of paying it forward, they are simply paying it back. not exactly, because it is possible they could end up spending a lot more or less, but figuratively, yes. it's a case of, "i am only doing this for you as a payback for something i got."
this is not what giving it about. giving, true giving, is not a response to having received something. true giving occurs when we have nothing and when we are not somehow obligated. this is why gifts are so treasured.
alas, this is planet earth. so things work a certain way. let's think outside the drive thru lane, though. the lesson people should learn is to pay it forward. so when your order gets picked up by someone else, don't try and pay it back. find another opportunity to pay it forward.
i guarantee you, there are many such opportunities to go beyond yourself, to go beyond the drive thru lane.

i agree...

2006-12-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

...with vera. tagged schmagged. but i will obey her orders and do this thing.
"According to the rules, each player of this game starts with the title "Six Weird Things About Me." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own six weird things and state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, 'You are tagged!' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!"

Here are six weird things about me that you might not know:

1. i was almost killed by an elephant.
2. i really try not to step on cracks in pavement.
3. chocolate is good, but i never crave it.
4. i am a neat freak about everything else, but my room is never clean.
5. the only way i will eat eggs is if they are scrambled.
6. i rarely like what i cook.

ok, do this if you have weirder things to say. which i can almost guarantee you do.

by jeeves, i've found it!

2006-12-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

While Vera's suggestion of "International Jet-Setter meets Corn-fed Hulking Stud meets Devilishy Clever Mensa Member" is quite good, this is the line I am inserting into my cover letter when applying for agribusiness jobs.

"Additionally, though not reflected in my professional experience thus far, I have a strong background in agriculture having been involved in farm operations in the Willamette Valley, Oregon for a significant part of my life."

You like?

new series--quotes #1

2006-12-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

so in the process of sorting through my crap, i separated out all those quotes that i have collected over the years that meant something to me at one time or another. some knock me off my feet, some just kind of make me say, "Oh yeah." i am starting with a simple one. it's on a little card someone gave me:

"you choose which party to attend"

I am young, but I am already tired of doing things socially just to be correct. if i don't want to do something socially, i'm not going to waste my time or money.
it's the holidays, so there are lots of gatherings.
this year, though, i'm not going to be just polite. i would honestly like it more to spend time with my family or do nothing at all, rather than having to put on a fake smile for three hours.

i suggest you do the same. life is too short.

i quit

2006-12-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

i ditched the seasonal job. gotta love the concept of employment at will. after five days of 15 hours of retail, i thought i was going to lose it. so i quit. the money was not worth the fact that i had zero time to look for that pesky little real job.
so i spent the day on the couch, except for two trips to the bux to indulge secretly in cranberry bliss bars and then to meet AM because we made a random unplanned target run. pretty exciting day.
caught up on some phone calls this evening.
i don't emote very well. i have been really upset about my career lately. and when i get upset, i close up. i should work on this.
i am hoping to really enjoy this holiday season. sh!t, that was a stupid politically correct sentence.
I AM HOPING TO ENJOY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is something i have not been able i have not been able to do for about 5 years due to illness in the family, crazy stupid jobs, etc. so let's live it up.
starting to think about new year's eve. i would like to do something where i could wear a velvet blazer. hmmm.

so what is my seasonal job, you ask?

2006-11-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

so i am coming off my third 15-hour day. fun times. in addition to caffeinating the masses, i now sell jewelry. the randomness is getting to be hilarious. and let me tell you, this ain't david yurman or cartier. it's crap with some pretentious name that is marked up about 300%. but it pays well and i get commission.

so that's the update.

10th grade

2006-11-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

Think back to 10th grade...

Let see how much you remember and how much you regret

1. Who was your best friends?
-- amy...and uh, i don't remember

2. Who did you like?
-- audrey...i hate myself for that now

3. What sport did you play?
-- lol

4. Did you buy your lunch?
-- sometimes we had off-campus priviedges and then i did

5. It's Friday night, where were you?
-- prolly at home

6. Were you a party animal?
-- far from it

8. Ever smoke?
-- no

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
-- no

10. Can you sing the alma mater?
-- i don't think we had one

11. Who was your favorite teacher?
-- miss reed, frau wong

12. What was your favorite class?
-- german, english

13. What was your schools full name?
-- Portland Lutheran High School

14. Did you go to the dances?
-- yes, i planned them because i was on student council

15. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
-- hell no

16. What do you remember most about 10th grade?
-- not much

17. Favorite memory in 10th grade?
-- probably fiddler on the roof

18. Were you ever posted up on the 10th graders wall?
-- no idea what that is

19. Did you have a job your 10th grade year?
-- being my parents' bitch

20. Where did you go most often for lunch?
-- mcdonald's

22. What did you do on the last day of school?
-- cleaned out my locker

23. Did you like 10th grade?
-- not really a fan of the whole high school experience

thanksgiving

2006-11-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

so after the thanksgiving service wednesday night (and listening to my brother b!tch about having church for a civil holiday), AM, my closest friend here, decided to go out. we were going to go to the continental, so i headed down there. the guy playing that night was one i liked a lot. well, apparently, this bar/trying to be jazz club in dsm has become quite the place among the kids, and by the kids, i mean the alumni of valley high school, which has supposedly been ranked among the 10 snobbiest high schools in the US--who knew that you could find such a place in iowa. so there i was, trying to enjoy myself until AM figured out whether he was going to meet me there or if we would go to a dive. the music was good and the bartenders know what i drink without me asking, which makes me feel good and bad. anyway, the place filled and filled and filled with these valley high types. and a ot went through my mind.

first of all, i thought about the fact that i had no one with whom to reunite at this holiday. my friends are dispered accross the US and since my family no longer lives in oregon, i don't even get to see the few that remain there. so, pity party celebration number 1.

then i thought, wow, these people think they are so cool. and they are, right? i mean, they dress perfectly and have gone on the correct career/marriage/life paths and everything is handy dandy. they probably look at me and think, wow, who are you, you piece of sh!t?!

to which my initial reaction is, hmm, you have clothes from banana republic, but b!tches, i shop at neimans.

but of course that is shallow (and frankly, since i now make coffee for a, cough, living, not so much the case anymore).

it then occurred to me that the real meaning of this is much more significant. yes, everything has gone right for them, or at least it appears so. but everything i have been through has enriched my life so much. i wouldn't trade that for anything. i wrote a mini-poem in my head:

you are dressed in the finest linen,
but it will yellow with time.
the fabric of my life
is a rich tapestry
which will fade
but not lose its strength
and bear beauty and meaning
for generations.

ok, enough with that. i already met the poem (1) quota for this year anyway.
so i ditched the joint and met AM at the dive bar. it was a breath of fresh air. err, it was kind of smokey, but you know what i mean.

ah, you gotta love the holidays. hey, let's pretend everything is perfect more often!!! i get to have ten days of this. woopee.

after i got my caffeine and nicotine, though, i was ready for the cooking marathon followed by overendulgence. we had awesome cranberry gin martinis and onion tarts to start followed by the most perfect thanksgiving meal i have ever had. the wine was fantastic and the nap, well, if only it had never ended.

then we went to the movies. i chose, though i ended up doing a much better job than last year when my choice was "the family stone" which turned out not to be a light-hearted comedy, but really f-ing depressing. this year, we saw "happy feet." it was cute, yes, but the meaning also went along with what i had observed the previous evening.

life is enriched by adventures, failures, lessons learned, travels, heartbreaks, etc. in the end, what we have learned is valuable, for ourselves and others.
all of this from an evening in a bar and a children's movie...

...had to be at work at 4:25 this morning. sweet. why americans want to get up at 4 am the day after thanksgiving to shop is beyond me. but then, as my dad says, "no one ever lost money underestimating the stupidity of the american people." i think he might have stolen that from someone, but oh well.

tough day, but it is over. tomorrow, i start my seasonal job which actually pays much better. yeah, we'll see how that goes. i am sure i will have much to tell.

i so need that real job.

the job search

2006-11-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

so i gotta find a real job, real soon. here's the tagline on my resume right now:

"Organized, collaborative, and innovative International Marketing and Project Management professional with three years of experience in marketing strategy, customer service, training and international project management. Seeking a Business Development or Marketing position that will utilize Masters of Arts in Global Finance and engage prior experience."

since i am in the iowhat, I have been toying around with some other ideas:

"marketing professional proficient in four languages and knows how to milk a cow."

or

"hard eurotrash shell, soft farm boy inside."

or

"i may wear big sunglasses and all black, but underneath, i am wearing overalls."

anyway.
had a bit of an axiety attack last night on the way to karaoke. the side effects of these carry onto the next day. thank god for the spaz drugs. so i took la canadienne's advice and gymed it. it helped!

i hate frappuccinos but i couldn't resist

2006-11-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino

One of a kind and forward looking, you're the first to introduce a wacky new trend to your friends. And even if your ideas seem weird, they get adopted pretty quickly.

What Flavor Frappuccino Are You?

since there is no other way of communicating with her...

2006-11-16T23:20:00.001-07:00

...vera's new profile pic is pure hotness.
you go.

one year

2006-11-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

a year ago yesterday, i left south africa. i year ago today, i arrived in germany. i wrote my housemate from south africa a text message: "i arrived. it is cold and dark." it was quite a shock coming from sunny south africa to the dark winter of europe.
sitting here now, it is quite a shock what all has happened during the past 365 days.

i worked at a car rental company for 5 weeks because i needed the money.
i moved back to denver and spent two days in the car with my mom and my dog. i survived a night in utah.
i found an apartment in denver.
i decided working full-time and taking 18 credits was a good idea.
nawa and i struggled with house-training in a new environment.
hansen's in denver almost ruined my 25th birthday party.
i drank a lot of gin.
i went to new york and dc with zero money in my bank account.
i lost my first job unwillingly because the company for which i was consulting didn't listen to my advice and the client was unhappy.
i had several somewhat major financial crises.
i had a seizure.
i had another seizure.
i had to take a lot of tests.
i decided to only get one master's degree.
i was fat (see prom pictures--not so pretty).
i finished school.
i went to AZ and LA with LJ.
i moved to iowa.
i vowed never to take amtrak again.
i was bored.
i got a job making coffee and pretending to be people's friends.
i lost thirty pounds.
i got rid of most of my possessions.
i reconnected with my family.
i went to germany.
i felt great.
i came back to iowa.
i did more purging and more of keeping myself busy.
i still make coffee.
i need a real job.

i feel lonely and do not know what to do next. but i am actually okay. i am okay with this in a weird way. because in a lot of ways, i am better off because of everything.

you guys deserve to know, because you've been with me through most of this.
smooches.

so, um, yeah

2006-11-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

i've had a tough couple of weeks. life dreams and plans being crushed, blah, blah, blah. tell oprah, you say, cause we don't care.
but i am so blessed with friends, two in particular who i love and hate for the fact that they tell me exactly what i would tell them.
i wish the one from the germ wasn't in german because it was one of the best e-mails i have ever received.
so even though i am depressed, confused, and unsure of what next steps to take, i recognize that i have been blessed in other ways.

a snob from the start

2006-10-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

my parents recently returned to oregon to assist my grandparents with their move into "the home" and came home with a lot of pictures.
this is my favorite--already a snob at 4, living in a lime-green parsonage.
sigh.

hello

2006-10-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

1. FIRST NAME? Fritz (not Ami, contrary to popular belief)
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My Grandpa
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? August
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Usually
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Cheese
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I would probably get on my nerves.
7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes. I ignore it a lot, though.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I believe so.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Uh, no.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Toss up between Honeycombs and Cinnamon Toast Crunch
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? If by untying you mean undoing the velcro, no.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I think we all have our strengths and weaknesses (God, that is so Oprah)
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Cookies and Cream
14. SHOE SIZE? 10.5 or 11, depending on the brand.
5. RED OR PINK? Red.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My ass.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Nawa.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Uh, I am not holding my breath.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS, SHIRT AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Gray, blue, brown.
20. LAST THING YOU ATE? Caesar salad.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Fleetwood Mac.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Hmm.
23. FAVORITE SMELL? Yves Saint Laurent Body Couros.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The lady who cuts my hair.
25. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes.
26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON you stole THIS from? She’s alright. Jk, love her.
27. FAVORITE DRINK? Tripple espresso macchiato with three raw sugars and extra foam. But I am not particular.
28. FAVORITE SPORT? Tennis.
29. EYE COLOR? Blue gray.
30. HAT SIZE? Not sure, but it is big.
31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Usually.
32. FAVORITE FOOD? Indian and German.
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter in South Africa, Spring in Colorado, Summer in Germany, Fall in Iowa.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Uh, both, maybe.
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Crème brulee.
38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? No one.
40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? The history of the Amano Colonies.
41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE Pad? This question is so 1996.
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Under the Tuscan Sun on DVD (again)
43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Music, wind, the ocean.
44. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? The Beattles.
45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? South Africa.
46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I can roll my tongue.
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Oregon.
48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No one, just stole it from hf.

stupid internet etc.

2006-10-16T07:32:00.000-06:00

so the internet in iowhat pisses me off. there are so-called outages all the frieken' time--when it is windy, when it is overcast, when the tech guy takes a bathroom break. whatever. this makes life difficult at times.

for example, when you are in Iowa: Phase II and are trying to apply for real jobs and the signal cuts out.

but i did manage to write a cover letter today of which i fell very good about.

i am kind of sensitive about cover letters since for a period of about a year and a half, part of my job was reading cover letters, ripping them apart and making them better.

i felt good about this one because i was able to express (in german, sorry, would share but i fear it would be a little lost on my mostly canadian audience) in a confident yet not cocky way what i can do and what i want to do for the company. it has been a long time since i felt like i was able to do this and i wasn't really sure why until today.

a few years back, i was part of an organization that i really cared about. i wanted to make a difference there. at the same time, i did not fit the ideal of this organization in terms of my background. but because i cared about the mission and future of the organization, i sucked it up and tried to fit in. i became diminuitive to those in power--if i didn't fit the ideal, at least i could play their game. in the end, i was able to accomplish what i wanted to, but at the same time, i had suppressed a lot of the important parts of who i am. when i left the organization, this continued for a few years still. i believe part of the reason the last few years have been so rough is because i had this leftover "shit shoveler" attitude.

having recognized this, and in large part due to the support of my dad, i have been reborn in a sense. i recognize that i am who i am, if you don't like it, i am sorry, but i am not going to change for you.

while this is a positive realization, it also means that sometimes if you do care about an organization or a mission or a community and you don't fit their ideal in whatever way, you just have to move on and get over it.

unfortunately, since i have returned from germany, i believe this is the case with iowhat. although it is small and options are limitted in a variety of areas and there is a lack of diversity, it is kind of nice. at the same time, i am constantly reminded that i am not from here and i will never fully be accepted because my background and personality just don't quite work here, at least not right now.

part of me finds this sad. at the same time, i also look at it as a sign that yes, amischwab will need to leave here at the end of the year as planned because he cannot fully thrive here, though he admires the people, the lifestyle and landscape, and the values commonly found in this place.

it's a tough realization, but it is important and it keeps me on track.

slight post-vacation shock etc.

2006-10-11T21:23:00.000-06:00

so i didn't keep super good track of my spending during my vacation. i mean, in my head i did, but then, that has gotten me into trouble in the past. turns out according to the good ol' ATM statement, i spent a little more money that i expected. nothing too tragic, and it was of course all stuff i needed, like, er, uh, trendy euro pointy black boots, and a Barbour quilted riding jacket.
got back very late monday night due to a flight attendant deciding not to show up to work in chicago. huh. worked at 8 am on tuesday, which was fine. in germany, i used to fly in at 5 or 6 am, drop my stuff off and take a shower, and go to work at 8, so hi, i am a pro. like i used to tell my students, the jet-set is not a glamorous as it appears.
october is going to be a very busy and intense month, so stay tuned.
LJ comes to iowhat tomorrow and i get to see her friday and sunday (those were the blocks of time i was alloted). v. excited.
it's kinda cold. for me that is. having grown up in the pacific northwest, extreme hot and cold are new things to me.

an almost perfect trip

2006-10-11T21:18:00.000-06:00

I have had such a positive attitude during this entire trip. I didn’t get annoyed with elderly American tourists in London. I didn’t mind having to stand for an hour in a overcrowded train on my way back to Frankfurt on Sunday (always a busy travel day in Germany—all the single men are going back to work after having been home to have their mother wash their underwear.) I didn’t snap at the ticket agent in Frankfurt when he scolded me for not being at the airport early enough to stand in line for a full hour just to drop off my bag. I kept my cool when once again, I was sent to the agriculture line in customs even though, as far as I can tell, I don’t look like a farmer in this outfit and was not on a farm during my trip.

But when the TSA agent made me throw away my tube of Kiehl’s Ultimate Strength Hand Salve because it was over 4 ounces, I really wanted to break down and cry. The poor little bottle even made it through London.

And I just paid off my Neiman Marcus bill.

Oh well.

Otherwise, no complaints about how this trip went.

mannheim steamroller

2006-10-04T07:55:00.000-06:00

amischwab celebrates being partly german.

chillin' like a villain, per usual.
christian busts a move. oh, how fun it is to watch the germs dance.
yo.two bad ass friends. awwww yeeeeaaah. holla.

did you know that the cheesy christmas music group that we all love actually has nothing to do with the city mannheim?

after my pitiful post the other day, i decided to ditch frankfurt and go to mannheim a day early to hang out with christian. turns out no one died as i had thought. it was a good decision in any case. we have been catching up which was been great. although i was just here in november, as you all know, SO MUCH has happened. not to be melodramatic, but it is actually overwhelming to think about it. we have all had such times in out lives i believe.
in any case, we went to an international party last night (see above). i was a bit apprehensive since strobe lights have triggered pre-seizure symptoms for me in the past. but it was fine. it was "german night" so we got to dance to cheesey german pop songs we used to love in high school as well as stuff like nena of 99 luftballoons fame. good times.

a few photos

2006-10-04T07:40:00.000-06:00

here we (kerstin, helger, amischwab) at the monastery after a strenuous hike. ok, it wasn't strenuous really, but i have to think of some excuse to have drank that beer.

kerstin and helger: frisch verheiratet (just married). the wedding was beautiful.

ah, the reception. good food, good franconian wine. no, i am not sloshed in this picture, it was actually really damn hot in the reception hall and germans don't like breezes, so we had to keep the windows closed. well, and a lot of the women were wearing spaghetti straps even though there was quite a storm brewing so they were cold.

more pics to come--prolly on flickr.