realization

as i stood in front of the sink this morning, having that "oh shit" feeling because i overslept, i looked down and saw my ring which i have not been wearing for a few days. it is my ring from namibia with the people and animals on it. when people ask about it, i tell them i always wear the people on top because they are the most important. and it hit me. since i have been in graduate school, i have totally lost sight of my focus. i find this ironic, since graduate school is supposed to focus you, right? but between taking 18 credits every quarter and working 35 hours a week, keeping my head above water seems to be the only thing i have the time and energy to think about. frankly, what goes on in my head when i am not working or studying is how the hell am i going to pay my bills this month? and i can't wait to be done and make some money. i'm not thinking about the next library in africa the name foundation will set up or how i can find volunteers to do teacher training or what a sustainable business venture i could pursue in africa might be. and i feel a little guilty about this.
at the same time, i guess i shouldn't because really, i need to be able to take care of myself in order to take care of others, right? and i suppose that was the whole idea behind grad school: the MBA would allow me to be financially secure, the MA would later enble me to do the work i am really passionate about (though not to say financially secure work is not satisfying for me--i love doing business).
when i was working in berlin, in the evenings and weekends, i volunteered. i took weeks at a time off to go and do consulting in namibia for no real money (it wasn't totally volunteer, but it was slave wages just to cover incidentals). i used to do stuff. i don't do anything anymore.
i guess i need to give myself a break. this is temporary. once i am back to "real life" things will be different. grad school is not real life. so few people go to grad school or have the opportunity to and it seems that most of them who do nowadays are bankrolled by someone else. so if i don't have the time or energy to be involved in things, it is okay.
i guess my realization was that this is okay, but at the same time, not to lose sight of the ultimate reason i am doing this. i hadn't lost my focus, i just lost sight of it, if that makes sense.
this is, after all, the reason i bought this ring. i knew that life would take me away from namibia and africa for a time, so i would carry it with me. i just temporarily forgot what i was carrying.