what does freedom feel like?

this is the question i posed to heatherfeather. she said it felt like heroin. i am not sure what heroin feels like.
i guess at this point i should mention that the reason we are all free is that we are done with our final quarter of grad school. done, done, done.
nothing left to do.
except pay those pesky loans, which starts in six months. in the meantime, i think we all pretty much lack jobs.

peipei and mm came and visited me in my office. they were giddy. that is the only word that fully encompasses how they were. i asked them what they were going to do this afternoon. the
giggled a little more. "anything we want!"

my finishing grad school has been pretty anticlimactic. i suppose i can do whatever i want, but then again, i am broke and jobless. what i would really want is a two week vacation to mexico. not gonna happen.
i leave on the train tomorrow evening, 7:25 pm, California Zephyr, Denver to Osceola, Iowa. Not so much Mexico.

The thing is, freedom is scary. That is what freedom feels like to me. All the structure is gone, everything I've known and hated for the past two years, and now will probably miss.
When I went to Germany for my Fulbright after I graduated from undergrad, I left all my friends, all my committments, all connections, my job, etc. and moved to a town there I had never been to. I went there because there was an institute at the university for development studies that I wanted to do research at and had been promised a mentoring relationship with the director. The town was an old coal mining city, completely depressed due to the end of this industry, and in general, totally depressing. This, combined with my lack of connection to the place in any way, caused a slow break-down that eventually lead me to moving back to Berlin where I had lived before. I had a cool apartment, I got a job, got to read lots of books, and had lots of vistors. It was ideal in many ways. Since I was only there for six months, I didn't have the chance to develop a lot of close friendships, but I had stuff to do, and Berlin is my favourite city--I could never get bored there.

So now I wonder if freedom will paralyze me again. I fear it, to be honest. I know, given the events of the last couple of months, that i need to take time off and do nothing besides redevelop healthy habits and basically chill out and acclimate to my new medication. But doing nothing frankly scares me. I wouldn't describe myself as a busy-body, but I need a purpose. Preferably a purpose that is accompanied with a salary in my desired range.

I am scared.