ramblings

so, apparently it is a rule on Pierce Transit that you are not allowed to take a shower for at least three days before getting on the bus. i know, this sounds mean, since i am sure many of those bodies who fill the bus with an amazing aroma belong to people who do not have homes, but for some reason lately, it has been getting worse and worse. i literally have to hold my scarf up to my face in order to block the fumes, else i'd probably end up hurling in the bus. it is that bad. it smells worse than MARTA in atlanta. alas, a side effect of my chosen carless existence. i am beginning to reconsider, not that i have a lot of options right now.

anyway, it has been awhile since i have written here, and i really should more often. i am still working in seattle and find myself growing increasingly frustrated with a variety of projects going on there. really, i'd love to be doing something a little more innovative rather than just solving a bunch of f-ups all of the time. true, this also requires creativity, but i was to be INNOVATIVE. this gig ends at the end of february, so i continue to seek permanent positions or long-term contractor positions, though those are not really ideal since there are no benefits, and what i'd give to go to the doctor (especially the dentist or eye doctor right now) or have a sick day that didn't cost me money. for some reason, i have been sick often this winter. nothing horrible, but enough that i do not want to go into work. it has been frustrating.

i honestly still do not feel adjusted to being here and (again) honestly, i do not find myself wildly happy to be here. i can recognize certain ways in which i am growing and certain areas i am able to make a difference as well, but something is missing, i am not sure what, and that is frustrating.

i didn't realize this fully, i think, until last week when kaka and i had lunch. she is still on maternity leave, so was able to come down my way and meet me. sadie was along of course, and she is sooo adorable. kaka let me push the stroller for awhile, which for some reason was soothing. kind of weird, i s'pose. anyway, a simple "so how are things going?" kind of snowballed into me realizing there are some things that i currently am not very happy with. at the same time, it is difficult for me to (a) pinpoint precisely what those things are (b) be certain that those are the things that are actually making me unhappy. hopefully this is not so vague that it does not make sense.

do i need a new hobby? do i need more friends? do i need to live somewhere else? do i need a girlfriend? do i need a plant?

you get the idea. maybe.

more on this later.