ramblings

so, apparently it is a rule on Pierce Transit that you are not allowed to take a shower for at least three days before getting on the bus. i know, this sounds mean, since i am sure many of those bodies who fill the bus with an amazing aroma belong to people who do not have homes, but for some reason lately, it has been getting worse and worse. i literally have to hold my scarf up to my face in order to block the fumes, else i'd probably end up hurling in the bus. it is that bad. it smells worse than MARTA in atlanta. alas, a side effect of my chosen carless existence. i am beginning to reconsider, not that i have a lot of options right now.

anyway, it has been awhile since i have written here, and i really should more often. i am still working in seattle and find myself growing increasingly frustrated with a variety of projects going on there. really, i'd love to be doing something a little more innovative rather than just solving a bunch of f-ups all of the time. true, this also requires creativity, but i was to be INNOVATIVE. this gig ends at the end of february, so i continue to seek permanent positions or long-term contractor positions, though those are not really ideal since there are no benefits, and what i'd give to go to the doctor (especially the dentist or eye doctor right now) or have a sick day that didn't cost me money. for some reason, i have been sick often this winter. nothing horrible, but enough that i do not want to go into work. it has been frustrating.

i honestly still do not feel adjusted to being here and (again) honestly, i do not find myself wildly happy to be here. i can recognize certain ways in which i am growing and certain areas i am able to make a difference as well, but something is missing, i am not sure what, and that is frustrating.

i didn't realize this fully, i think, until last week when kaka and i had lunch. she is still on maternity leave, so was able to come down my way and meet me. sadie was along of course, and she is sooo adorable. kaka let me push the stroller for awhile, which for some reason was soothing. kind of weird, i s'pose. anyway, a simple "so how are things going?" kind of snowballed into me realizing there are some things that i currently am not very happy with. at the same time, it is difficult for me to (a) pinpoint precisely what those things are (b) be certain that those are the things that are actually making me unhappy. hopefully this is not so vague that it does not make sense.

do i need a new hobby? do i need more friends? do i need to live somewhere else? do i need a girlfriend? do i need a plant?

you get the idea. maybe.

more on this later.

new job

so i got a job.
as is very often the case in today's business, i am initially on a two-month contract and if i perform well, i will be hired on permanently. i will be a project management type doing process-engineering. i am not really sure what that means either, but i am good at designing processes and i am sure i will find out tomorrow what all of this entails. i am kind of nervous, especially about the long commute to seattle. right now, i am just so thankful to have a decent paying job that has the potential to lead to other things. it is disappointing that this position doesn't really have an international focus, but if i get my foot in the door, it can lead to bigger and better things.
the lack of international component really scares me the most. working with people and other entities from abroad is so core to my identity and it has always been an element of all of my jobs to this point (well, except in the iowhat). so i wonder how i will keep that alive.

socially things are pretty good. on friday night, the roomies and i went and saw the U2 tribute band some of our friends play in. these shows are always like mini-reunions, which is kind of fun, but iffy at times, because there are certain people you don't really feel like seeing.

(i just saw a commercial with an orange vaccuum cleaner--i SOOO want one!)

on saturday, i had lunch with kaka and frik and some of there friends up in seattle, which was a lot of fun. it was good to meet some new people.
i do look forward to expanding my circle through working in seattle. we will see how that goes.

(another aside--pizza elmo? i think talking/singing pizzas are creepy)

today i mixed it up and went to church with MJ. and the afternoon has been filled with ironing and a lifetime movie. these are the good old days.

north dakota

a couple of weeks ago, i went to north dakota for a job interview. here is what i wrote...

This is the first leg of my journey to Dickinson, North Dakota. I am a candidate for a marketing position at an institution that is working towards economic development in the western part of that state. Half of my family has roots in this area, driven out by dam projects and polio. Here I am, out of everyone, returning. I, the one who has traveled the world more than anyone else, am going back to where his mother’s family first came when they emigrated as Germans from Russia. Though my roots are there, I feel like I am setting off to a new county, even more foreign than Africa. I have a marathon series of interviews, which makes me horribly nervous. The though going through my mind, though, is whether or not I could even live in this place. Dickinson is a town of 17,000 people. It does have a small state university, which changes things to an extent. At the same time, I know no one and I would literally be out in the middle of nowhere, even more so than I feel in Iowa. The thing is, though, that I do not feel like I have a lot of options. I cannot imagine I would like living there. But perhaps I will be surprised.

I arrived at the Dickinson airport. It has one gate, three staff members, and one car rental place. Waiting in line to retrieve my rental car, I hear a young man asking other passengers if they are “Fritz.” I catch his attention and inform him that I am Fritz. He tells me that there has been a change in plans and that he has come to pick me up—no rental car for Fritz. This also means no freedom, which in someplace this small bugs me a lot. Since he has not offered it up, I eventually ask my chauffeur what his name is. “Jamie,” he replies. He works at the university in student activities and also does something with the athletic department. Jamie grew up in a town of 600 25 miles south of Dickinson—so he has basically been in the area for his entire life. As I take my luggage from the back seat, I notice a bowling ball and bowling shoes. Apparently, this is that kind of place—one where people in their late twenties are already hanging out at the bowling alley. (news flash: i have been informed at a party in tacoma that bowling is the new golf. i didn't like golf either, though.)

Before coming here, I was informed I was staying in senior living apartments. I immediately interpreted this as a retirement home, which I found very strange. LeAnne assured me, however, that this probably meant seniors in college. Oh great, I though, a dorm instead, but this did seem preferable to a retirement home. It turns out, though, that my hunch was correct. It is a retirement home. Well, at least it is nicer than the one where my grandparents live. I am sure someone out there can understand why I find this exceedingly strange.

The interviews went fine, although I did not end up getting the job. My last meeting with was a realtor who showed me everything, which was great. She even took me to the Badlands which were amazing and beautiful. My last night there, after all the hustle and bustle was over, I decided to go have a drink. I sat down at the end of the bar and immediately, three gentlemen turned and looked at me. One of them was holding a cigarette in the space left by a missing tooth. And they just kept on staring. Somehow, I feel like they embodied much of what living there would have felt like--I would always have been an outsider, a stranger, a weirdo, someone people were always questioning.

so typical

two weeks notice have been given, a place ticket has been purchased, I am on my way to being on my way to a new start in the Pacific Northwest.

and then, someone from a company that I am really into in the iowhat calls me for an interview.
Granted, this is no guarantee of anything, but it is the first serious interview I have ever been given here. Otherwise, I have been driving all over the Midwest in search of my fortune (and health insurance).

it probably means nothing.

oh, and just now i had a phone interview for a job i applied to in North Dakota (of all places--where half of my family is from). they are going to fly me out there for an interview.

what the H is going on?

jesus take the wheel.

so no jobo

my statistics professor in grad school (of all people) was convinced that I possessed slight psychic powers. This is one of the many reasons I liked her. And it appears that they have worked again, as I correctly predicted that I did not get the job in chicago. But the feedback I received was the best ever. Basically, it came down to them choosing a candidate who had previously sold translation services, but they were impressed with me. I used my psychic powers to see if they were being honest, and they were. So it actually turned out to be a confidence booster i.e. I still got it, I still got it, I STILL GOT IT! Holla heeeeyyyyyy!

one of my housemates said to me the other day "Do you think maybe God wants you to be in Iowa?"
how could that be true?
does God even care about that?
yes, I think so, but part of me wants to think God does not, because how could God want me to be in Iowa, where it appears I have no place.

perhaps he is pushing me into the depths of angst and isolation to further drive my creative process so that I will be a world-renowned author and poet by the age of 30 and move to Berlin and spend my days sitting in street cafes, smoking heavy French cigarettes and drinking lots of cappuccino while doning dark glasses, a leather motorcycle jacket and a black scarf, and my nights chugging Red Bull while hitting techno clubs and making other bad choices that will further fuel the creative process and take my writing in a new direction until I have had enough one day and move to Africa again and live by the beach and start an orphanage and write about the raw human existence with a gin and tonic always in hand (to protect against malaria) and a shaved head. Ok, maybe not the shaved head. And maybe not the techno clubs because they are kind of out.

ok, that just came out from nowhere--not sure from where, but it sounds like I have been thinking about it for awhile.

so now we've gone from psychic to psychotic. Great.

i am thinking July will be full of some decisions, on my part and on the part of others.

the past several days....

So I had another job interview in Chicago last week. The experience was so far the best of all the interviews I have had so far. Well, I guess. For one, the company put me up in a nice hotel on Michigan Avenue. This is a vast improvement over the Super 8 on the South Side like last time. While it was annoying that my interview was rescheduled three times the day on which it took place, that turned out really not to be a problem and allowed me to show what a flexible individual I am. It did make me nervous at first since I was due to have dinner with Ann, a professor of mine from undergrad, back in Des Moines, but thanks to some phone calls to her hotel and message-leaving, it all worked out.

To tell you the truth, I have only had one job interview that I recall that I felt really good about at the time. It was for my main job back in Denver and was the beginning of a great working relationship. Otherwise, most interviews have felt just kind of "eh." Your know, "eh."
This interview felt kind of "eh." I mean, I really did not feel like there were any questions I did not have good answers to, but I just could not read at all what the reaction was, positive or negative.

So while the last interview was like a drunken hook-up, this was like a blind date that went alright and that you're waiting for a phone call back from, knowing that you making the call would be jumping the gun, but you’re so desperate to know about.

In other news, I quit smoking (again). This time, I am taking the advice of Amil and trying the Commit lozenges. So far, they are pretty effective, except that you're not supposed to eat or drink 15 minutes before taking them, which is just kind of annoying. Too much planning, you know. I still miss smoking, smoke breaks, everything like that. But then again, it is only day 3 of breaking a 4 year-old habbit. It is like losing a good friend. How pathetic does that sound? But if you have ever done this, you know that is exactly how it feels.

I also got to have dinner with my favorite prof from undergrad last week. Of course, we talked about the usual: politics, Africa, old gossip, etc. But it is interesting how our relationship has become more personal. After talking about dictators and development programs, we can spend hours talking about her grandchildren or her cat that seems to have 13 lives. Kind of fun.

thank you for caring

because right now, it doesn't feel like a lot of people care. at least not a lot of people in my immediate surroundings. i mean, i have my "housemates" and a couple friends, but I miss my peeps who've been there since high school (how lame does that sound? but it is true--i have know my two best friends since high school!). and when i get depressed and lonely, i tend to close up and not reach out to my amazing friends, which is totally what i should not be doing. thus, sending me a comment is like saying "hello, what the F is up?!" and i need that.

last weekend in chicago was a terrible disappointment. i swear, job interviews are like drunken hook-ups (not that i have many of the latter). but here you are, you get all whooped up on adrenaline (or alcohol) and are excited about this opportunity (or chick who has started to look more attractive), go through the interview (making out), and are afterward pretty disappointed (disgusted at yourself for 1. thinking that chick was hot 2. drinking that much alcohol and paying for it). the people who interviewed me were totally unprepared and acted like they didn't give a shit that i was there. so shame on me for stressing so much, paying for a crappy motel, taking off work and losing money as a result, and oh, btw, gas is expensive right now, so transportation is not cheap. i am out over $200 bucks as a result of going through a bunch of hoops to join an organization that you discover is not even that into you.

just like the random hook ups, you eventually get tired of it, for a variety of reasons, with the number one reason being that you realize that you are worth a lot more in terms of treatment and opportunity.

so i kind of felt like an interview whore last week.

seriously, who still asks you "what are three of your strengths and three of your weaknesses?" that seems like so seventh grade. then there was the stupid so-called "real life" situation which was explained so horribly that anyone's answer would have been wrong.

yeah, i realize we have to invest some in order to get "the" job, but i took two days out of my life and you gave me a half-ass 57 minutes for a job that i am not that into anymore. it was like i prepared for the romantic dinner and they were just going for the hookup.

i have not heard anything back, but i don't really care. because as cybil sheppard would have told me (or now heather locklear): because i'm worth it! as jack handy as this sounds, it's true gosh darnit! i've already invested a lot: in my education, in working hard to obtain applicable practical experience, in obtaining new skills, in learning new languages, in becoming a composed and professional individual. so although in many ways, i am desperate right now because my income is pathetic, i have no health insurance, i live in iowa, and i have an abusive supervisor, i am not that desperate. i hope not.

that is the crappy thing about the whole combination of temping and looking for a job. i feel bad about myself because i am doing something STUPID and working for someone who is a horrible human being. and then i feel bad about myself because i keep getting rejected from all of these positions. it's like getting knocked down onto a bed of nails. and i've kept getting up again, and again, and again. but i have my days, i guess we all do, so maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself, because i feel guilty about feeling bad.

see what a nutcase i am?

so i went to neiman's after the interview and i spent a lot of money on kiehl's because i was basically out of everything since i haven't been buying it in order to save money. that pretty much reversed the money-saving trend. all in one fifteen minute trip to the kiehl's counter.

so now i am just praying for a miracle. that's really all that i feel i can do, because i have been trying everything else, alas, to no avail.

yesterdy rolla and i went with some people we know from le continental to the cubs game. no, not THE cubs, rather the I-Cubs i.e. the minor-league team here in dez moinay. it was fun, i got tan, and i drank too much. but thankfully, besides sending random "i love you" text messages, i did not make out with anyone and therefore had no regrets. i am sure i made inappropriate comments, but then i do not need to be intoxicated to do that.

living the lifestyle

todd, who is the bartender at the continental, always answers the question "how are you?" with "just living the california lifestyle!" since we are in the iowhat, i appreciate his subtle humor, which is a rarity here as well as his positive outlook or at least an attempt at that.

i am not sure what that has to do with anything, it just seemed like a nice way to begin.

anyway, my life continues. i do have an interview in chicago on monday, which i am pretty excited about. who knows, maybe this will be the one. i am just praying they will see the value in me and not find it weird or intimidating. the jetset might be just around the corner. then again, i may continue to be the mail guy. but i will not let that happen.

i get to dog sit a pug this weekend. he is funny because he has an underbite and breathing probem. i mean, i guess it really isn't funny, but really, it is. try it--make an underbite and breath heavily. i guarantee it will make you laugh, even just a little.

this means, however, that i will be taken away from yard work for a couple of days. it will be nice not to start off the week being sore all over from, uh, planing 16 boxwoods in your frontyard or ripping out sod to make new flower beds. who knows, maybe i will take the pug to the park or the farmers' market and pick up chicks. of course, this never really worked with nawa, because she either got overly excited or became really scared, which was not endearing to me or her.

i guess i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week. but i am excited to find out.

that's all.

the randomness concludes.

i miss me, too

sometimes i feel like i've lost a part of myself in iowa, but God gives me the opportunities to be reminded that super amischwab is still there.

today, i am really pissed off at my job, my supervisor in particular. like, i am physically angry.

this person doesn't realize who she's talking to.

i have every reason to be a snob. i am an accomplished and talented individual. it is true that i have very high standards, because i believe we as humans are capable of growth and progress. at the same time, i firmly believe that every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. i believe that living this out is not only a moral imperative, but that it is also a favorable practice in creating a harmonious society as well as building a successful business. in doing so, i have been able to cut deals with a range of individuals: rural african farmers to wall street hot shots.

this person needs to realize everyone she's talking to, with or without merit, deserves respect and dignity.

so when i am treated in a way that violates this code, i get really angry.

in the end, i will continue to make a difference wherever i go and whatever i do. this is what i will be remembered for. i will not be remembered for putting others down because of my mistakes or my insecurity.

we all have the opportunity to do this. so make sure to make friends with the mail guy, the people who bring the mail guy the mail, smile and say hello to the cleaners, greet the security guard when you come in every morning. it's not about reciprocity (though you could easily be "them"), it's about principle--we all add value to our society, to our organizations, to our communities--are we can all make a difference in a small way by recognizing that, even in the smallest way.

thank you. i am done now.

there are exceptions. i made the small change of rearranging the mail operations and got these responses via e-mail:

"I just have to say that I appreciate your assistance and your professional attitude. Keep up the good work!"

"I really appreciate all of the work that you do for us and I think you are very organized and everything goes a lot smoother than it did previously. SO...thanks for your hard work."

so take that stupid supervisor.

damn, i still need a real job, though. but it's going to come.

and that's what the real amischwab would say. he ain't gone.

mutti, the prophet

one thing about parents is that they often know the right thing to say at the right time that just makes you feel all better. here's a good example:

"well, God must just want to strip you all the way down to the studs."

huh.

this is in reference to being passed over for yet another job.

mutti was, in this case, prophetic with her words, because when i returned to the iowhat, there was some mail waiting for me from the insurance company. yep, i have been granted insurance on a conditional basis. why? well, medical history for one (we all know about that story). but the other? apparently, i am too fat.

excuuuuuuuuse me? granted, on paper, i might not line up exactly with the charts. however, if you met me in the flesh, especially now after having lost all the grad school weight, i don't think you say, hmm, he's a bit chunky. i am not skinny, but i am not fat, not even husky i would say. i am pretty average, especially when i look at some of the guys around me.

so yes, the prophet has spoken.

some stuff that's happened

early last week, i received an unexpected phone call from a company in chicago to which i had sent an application weeks ago. it was for an "international management trainee" position, which is of course right up the amischwab's alley. i was offered an interview for friday, with the possibility of a "call-back" on saturday. it quickly became a trip for me and the housemates--a weekend in chicago.

of course, i spent the whole week being nervous, but actually felt good once we finally got to chicago and i felt that the group interview, which was somewhat reminiscent of "the apprentice" went well. i was, however, the oldest candidate--most had just barely or were about to finish undergrad and had zero experience. after the group interview, i was even more excited about the position. it provided the opportunity to work with a diverse team of talented people around my age in a fast-growing company that promotes management from within and quickly. to top it all off, their latest project involves setting up a technology academy in africa. um, hello, dream come true, right here.

but i didn't get a call-back. well, i did get a call, around midnight friday, informing me of what an intelligent, interesting, personable, and outgoing person i was, but that i was not being selected for an individual interview. ok. so i asked for some feedback. "we just didn't see why you really wanted to do sales." alright, i guess me reitterating over and over again about wanting to build a business, being focusses on growth, being creative and persistent in seeking out clients provided NO indication about my interest in sales. what a bull-sh!t answer! alas, it was midnight, so I just left it there.

(oh, btw, i hate it when people say that i am interesting. really, i am not. plus, it makes me feel like a prematurely washed-up intellectual who will end up with some sh!t job and will age prematurely but people at work will say, wow, he is so interesting. please, do not let this happen to me.)

basically, i think they want people they can mold more, not people who are their peers already. whatever.

i am no stranger to rejection, as you know. i am getting kind of good at it. i guess this is what we call personal growth? rejection in my personal life--no problem. getting used to it professionally is admittedly more of a challenge for me since i kind of am a career maniac.

additionally, it gave me insight about what i want to do and what i am good at. i am good at setting up business and operations in new markets, particularly international ones. i've done it in germany, namibia, and south africa as well as in the us. ok, only four examples, but for being 26, not bad i'd say. it's what i like to do because it involves so much--economics, business, politics, culture, language. figuring out this mix and making it work fascinates me and motivates me.

so at least i am moving in the right direction. and i know that i still have game.

it's easy to say at the end of the day that those f-ers don't know what they're missing out on. while this is true, self-confidence also does not pay for health insurance or student loan bills, as i reminded my housemates during a late-night conversation on friday.

i've prayed a lot about getting a job. well, now my prayer is for the right job.

the other good thing is that i got to go to chicago, albeit for just a couple of days. i know i made the big announcement about moving to chicago, but then i became uncertain a couple weeks later. i had actually never been there (besides many stops at the airport in my jet-setting days) but it is a beautiful city, it's so diverse, they have neiman's and direct flights to frankfurt, and i don't feel like i stand out. oooooh, and there is water. so it remains a contender. i could see myself there.

my housemates and i decided that in light of the fact that i did not get a call-back, that there was no point in staying a second night in chicago. so we did our obligatory shopping in the morning (can we say crate and barrel outlet store!? WONDERFUL! [if i actually had a home]) and then they went to some museum. i was not in the mood, so i walked along the lake (love water) and in the downtown area. and then we drove back to the iowhat.

tomorrow, i have lots of yard word to look forward to. see, i am really not that interesting. i'll be in old sweats and sneakers just like everyone else in suburbia. not so interesting. and totally employable by the right company.

lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

this american life

i am going through withdrawl right now. i ran out of one of my medications and since i do not have health insurance, i can't get it renewed or pay for it for that matter. the half-ass health insurance (you know, the kind that will maybe let you go to the ER if your leg falls off, but only if it's bleeding real bad) will kick in from my temp organization soon, however, this is somewhat futile since i am not allowed to take any time off during the first 90 days of my assignment, so no doctor's appointments. so no drugs for amischwab for awhile, i have got the shakes a little bit, but i am coping pretty well. one day at a time.

in good news, i got a letter from the student loan people that my application for forebearance of my loans has been approved.

my friends, this is the new american life. it is not a complaint, though it certainly does suck, but i know so many of us are in the same boat. we did everything right: we worked hard through school, college, first and second jobs, then grad school--we did the "right" thing--and we're left in a precarious position. done with school and unable to find a decent paying job for months while facing what amounts to a small mortgage when we are just starting out.

i hope it's worth it.

i finally got over the constant urge to cry at the new temp job by thursday. then on friday my boss discovered that the two previous temps had left a backlog of work at least two weeks long that she expects to have taken care of by monday. huh, pretty sure i cannot undo space and time, but we'll see.

it's time...

...and i am a little nervous.

after many conversations with friends back in the PNW and my family here, i have realized that it is time for plan Z.

i have tried really hard to make things work in iowhat, but i find myself mistreated and undervalued. it is frankly a little ridiculous. so i've got to move on.

so i think i am moving to chicago. i do not know how this will happen or exactly when, but i have to do something. i can't wait around here much longer.

updates to follow.

all dressed up and nowhere to go (or no one to take me)

It has been said that the core of human fear stems from abandonment. When one is in need or in danger and there appears to be no means of protection or no way of escaping a situation, one experiences fear that can be traced to an overwhelming sense of utter hopelessness. In these situations, we require someone else to rescue us and it often seems or is actually the case that there is no one to perform this role.

Abandonment is an emotion I have experienced frequently during the last several months. One could argue that avoiding this feeling is what drives our behavior. It is true that much of what I have tried to accomplish in order to take back my life relates to this. Recently, I have come to understand and accept that this is inherent in the human experience. I would like to think that it does not drive all that I do, but at the end of the day, I am sure that one could make a convincing argument that this was the case.

I find myself again experiencing this poisonous emotion. We experience it in a variety of situations, from medical crises to a relationship ending to a loved-one passing on. There are also the mundane cases, but abandonment feels the same. I am sitting on a front porch waiting for a taxi to take me to an interview and it has yet to come. I called an hour and a half ago to order the cab and I am now forty minutes late for the interview. This is, of course, not the impression I would like to make on the organization. Alas, I do not having another option. I am feeling abandoned.

My extreme tardiness to this meeting could affect the course of my life. I say this with caution, knowing that it might appear that I am blowing the situation out of proportion. It may also turn out that the recruiters will totally understand the situation and overlook my now forty-five minute lateness. One might say that this is an opportunity to demonstrate how I behave in crisis situations and will actually make me a more credible candidate. I can rationalize almost any outcome.

In the end, though, I have no control. I have called the taxi company a total of four times and I always receive the same answer, that I am next on the list, that they are busy. I have phoned other companies as well and the story is the same. There is no access to another form of public transportation where I am at and walking might have been an option three hours ago, but no longer.

In short, I am feeling abandoned. At first, I was enraged by the situation. My anger has yet to fully subside, but I now find myself saddened by potentially missing an opportunity at a chance to present myself and my abilities to a potential employer. And yes, the taxi has still not arrived, I am fifty minutes late now.

To extrapolate this though process even further, perhaps to its end, much of this has to do with time. Time has bound me to arriving late. It is also time, however, that will free me. At the end of this day, I will enjoy time with old friends and I am sure the events of the day will not be significant. If, in fact, I never make it to the interview or any for that matter, time will inevitably produce other opportunities. So life continues and time will also bring our inevitable death when time will no longer matter to us and all of these situations will be forgotten.

This is verging on coming across as morbid, but the same is true in the present. We know that each day will end and that the sun will rise. In the meantime, it is our charge to take advantage of the time we are given. We will fail and succeed over and over again. We will grow tired, yet we will rest and attempt once again to fulfill the charges of the day. Morning will come and in the end, we will come to find to comfort and solace that each and every one of us craves and needs. Of this I am convinced.

(p.s. taxi never showed, no other companies could help me. i missed the interview and could just say sorry.)

sometimes, you don’t want any more helpful advice, you just need a glass of water

i am visiting my undergraduate campus today. If you have ever done this, you know that it is strange, pretty much on the same level as visiting your old high school or primary school for that matter. A person’s years at university were supposedly very formative. Thus visiting campus, even if it is only to see a few select individuals, is like stepping back into a pressure cooker. Here I am, it is if I am saying, did I turn out like you had hoped? Did you receive the return on investment you had hoped for? Some people had placed high bets on me and I on myself, perhaps even higher.

I have not achieved what I thought I would have by this time. Four years ago when I thought about my future, I did not expect anything that has occurred, particularly over the last year. In avoiding those people from my past, I am also avoiding those antiquated expectations. I am also avoiding helpful advice that would put me back on that track. See, that advice is just another form of placing expectations on someone. Really, I do not need any more. I know what options are available, I know that should these not materialize or work out, I have the flexibility to seek out others, and I know that this all takes time. I also know that I am the worst about expecting a great deal from myself and I do not believe that this is unreasonable. I understand what I am capable of and what I need to do in order to support my capabilities.

One learns the difference between expecting what another person will do and expecting what they will become as a person. By no means am I doing what I or others expected. Many goals and dreams seem stagnant now or have died altogether. At the same time, the self is still very much alive, though it has formed itself and been formed in different ways than what was projected.

The people we want to connect with are those that care about the life inside the form and not the form itself. They are those who provide the rich soil and water and fertilizer in which we grow, not those with pruning shears and saws. The shears and saws are the helpful advice. Just as a tree will not fully thrive if the gardener continues to chop away any new growth in order to keep it in a particular form, the self too will eventually stagnate when continuously chopped at with helpful advice.

In German, the word for a nursery is “Baumschule,” which literally translates as “tree school.” I believe this is a wonderful metaphor for formal education. Schools, universities, and other places where we have teachers and mentors, so nurseries are full of gardeners that tend to plants and trees in a variety of ways. Some are concerned with giving helpful advice, others enrich the soil and let the plants grow as they are meant to.

It is not difficult to find gardeners who will prune trees. Finding ones who will water the trees is rare. It is a far less glamorous task, but it is vital for the survival of the tree.

wide open spaces

To be totally honest I expect nothing from this trip. I do not even think it will be that enjoyable. Yes, it will be nice to see family and friends. It will be nice to get away from the snow. Otherwise, I have no hope or belief that it will bring something more.

I am sitting at the Denver airport. The horizon is defined not by fields as it is in Iowa, but by the Rocky Mountains. When I lived here, I never found them that remarkable. It is true that they are mighty, springing up from the plains out of nowhere. At the same time, to me they do not compare to the volcanoes of the Pacific Northwest that tower above mighty rivers that flow into the expanse of the Pacific. This morning, however, they are magnificent. Again, I never sat and looked at them before. Perhaps I was too wrapped up in other things while I was here. I did not pay attention to a lot of things when I was in Denver. I never thought it would be a significant place in my journey, but given the events of the past year, it turned out to have been stage of some major scenes.

Living in different places as well as travel for me has little to do with location, though I have enjoyed what cities ranging from Washington, DC to Berlin and Windhoek to Prague have had to offer in terms of culture and climate. How I long for a hot afternoon in February in Namibia! Picture sitting by the pool in the desert with a gin and tonic. After the blizzard, that sounds about as close to paradise as I can imagine. That aside, it is who I have met that has made the difference. These people who have enabled me to see myself and see beyond myself have made all the difference. In Iowa, I must admit that there has been more of the former, which has been excruciating at times. There is no truly other word to describe it. I have been accompanied to new depths by those at that stopping point and I have gone deeper all by myself. At times, I have felt weighed down by people who seemed more like psychotherapy patients than friends. I realized that as I consoled them, I was counseling myself. As I explained what I had learned from years of what can be best described as hard living, I was teaching it to myself all over again. There was so much I had not noticed and so much I had forgotten.

For one, I have ceased to believe in signs in Iowa. So-called signs seemed to point me in a variety of directions during my time there. These ways turned out to be dead ends at the end of very rough roads. Kraeutle says there are still signs, but it depends on how we interpret them. Perhaps he is correct and I was just too compulsive or even frivolous in identifying signs.

On my flight from Omaha to Denver, I slept for most of the way, but as we were landing the man next to me asked where I was going. I told him I was going to Portland. As a friendly gesture, I returned the question. He was going to Seattle. Yes, I would be going there on Wednesday as well. The conversation continued and it turned out he actually lived in a suburb of Tacoma and his mother had worked for 25 years at the company where I have an informational interview on Friday. Six months ago, I believe that the silly me would have thought that perhaps this connection meant something, in other words, it was a sign that something might come out of this. Now I just think the world is small and full of coincidences. It was a teachable moment in that sense.

You might recall from writings and photos what a fantastic social life I had in Denver. For a short time, my paths crossed with those of some brilliant, fun, and caring people. At same time, our lives remained parallel in many respects. In graduate school, one is so focused on one’s career and there is a great deal of internal and external pressure. We had our time here filled with late nights in the library, later nights at one of the hundreds of great bars and lounges Denver has to offer, and yet again, even later nights that turned into mornings at the library. Now we are all scattered throughout the world—from West Africa to California to Manhattan. We chat, we comment on each other’s blogs and myspace pages, and there is the occasional phone call. The lines of our lives that intersected for a brief moment have now taken other tangents. Perhaps they will cross again, but certainly not in the way they did here. We will meet for a martini at the Bar Rouge in DC or spend a weekend in Seattle together, we will laugh and reminisce, and our lines will then swerve in another direction once again, just as they swerved into each other here in Denver.

Today this city is just a stopping point and I will not even leave the terminal. The expanse of the plains and the towering Rockies have reminded me of Wide Open Spaces—that song that so simply says so much about growth, growing up, and moving on. In front of these mountains this land is so flat I truly feel like I can stretch my arms again and take off with wings that have been frozen during a chilling winter. Though they were broken and stiff for so long, they still have strength. Are airports, fellow passengers, and airplanes signs of things to come? I do not believe so. They are simply a coincidental backdrop to my own takeoff.

As I step onto the airplane for my next flight, I will.