stupid internet etc.

so the internet in iowhat pisses me off. there are so-called outages all the frieken' time--when it is windy, when it is overcast, when the tech guy takes a bathroom break. whatever. this makes life difficult at times.

for example, when you are in Iowa: Phase II and are trying to apply for real jobs and the signal cuts out.

but i did manage to write a cover letter today of which i fell very good about.

i am kind of sensitive about cover letters since for a period of about a year and a half, part of my job was reading cover letters, ripping them apart and making them better.

i felt good about this one because i was able to express (in german, sorry, would share but i fear it would be a little lost on my mostly canadian audience) in a confident yet not cocky way what i can do and what i want to do for the company. it has been a long time since i felt like i was able to do this and i wasn't really sure why until today.

a few years back, i was part of an organization that i really cared about. i wanted to make a difference there. at the same time, i did not fit the ideal of this organization in terms of my background. but because i cared about the mission and future of the organization, i sucked it up and tried to fit in. i became diminuitive to those in power--if i didn't fit the ideal, at least i could play their game. in the end, i was able to accomplish what i wanted to, but at the same time, i had suppressed a lot of the important parts of who i am. when i left the organization, this continued for a few years still. i believe part of the reason the last few years have been so rough is because i had this leftover "shit shoveler" attitude.

having recognized this, and in large part due to the support of my dad, i have been reborn in a sense. i recognize that i am who i am, if you don't like it, i am sorry, but i am not going to change for you.

while this is a positive realization, it also means that sometimes if you do care about an organization or a mission or a community and you don't fit their ideal in whatever way, you just have to move on and get over it.

unfortunately, since i have returned from germany, i believe this is the case with iowhat. although it is small and options are limitted in a variety of areas and there is a lack of diversity, it is kind of nice. at the same time, i am constantly reminded that i am not from here and i will never fully be accepted because my background and personality just don't quite work here, at least not right now.

part of me finds this sad. at the same time, i also look at it as a sign that yes, amischwab will need to leave here at the end of the year as planned because he cannot fully thrive here, though he admires the people, the lifestyle and landscape, and the values commonly found in this place.

it's a tough realization, but it is important and it keeps me on track.