this starts out a little different than it ends

So there this woman I work with who, especially for being an Iowhatan, is pretty put together as far as how she presents herself. And in this new era of women working outside of the home (yes, this is still kind of new here) some of the old traditions remain, like selling stuff on the side for extra cash. She sells this jewelry stuff to the other ladies and it’s actually kind of cool stuff. But they sit there and look at it and they say, “Sigh, I am so boring, I could never wear this stuff.” And so I am thinking, yes, you ARE boring. Try something different—jewelry would be a good first step. If you think you are boring and you don’t like that, well, find a healthy way to change that. See, there is somewhat meaning in this opening message.

Thank goodness I left so early for work today. No, not due to a traffic jam or something that would occur anywhere else, but because the line at the coffee place was out to the door!

Thursdays at the Beechwood did not happen last night. Rolla went on vacation, Amil had too much to do. Kind of disappointing, but Amil and I are doing something tonight. Wow, imagine going out on a Friday night. I don’t remember the last time I did that or on any night when normal people go out. Oh, the life of being in retail. Normalcy is interesting, but far more crowded.

My contract is supposed to be up next Friday—yay for being unemployed. So I think I am going to fly back to Oregon and enjoy a week of the rain instead of the cold. I am pretty sure some ice crystals have started to form in my bone marrow. I love my Canadians, but alas, a move to Toronto or Montreal or anywhere not in southern BC looks a little unrealistic since I am barely holding onto my sanity in the coldness of the upper Midwest. So unless Vera proposes some time in the future and demands that I be her love slave for all eternity in an ice cave, me coming to Canada during the winter is not looking like something I really am interested in. Sorry, no offense. But gosh darn that universal health care—that is kind of a clincher, though.

(later)

Ugh, my mood has changed dramatically. Now I don’t really feel like going out at all. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I am feeling like I can’t do this anymore. I am so tired, tired from the uncertainty and the insecurity. I keep telling myself, you can do it, you can keep it up. And I feel like God is telling me that, too. But I want to tell God, sorry, I have nothing left, I just can’t. It makes me wonder if that is what I am supposed to do at the end of the day, just put it all on God, rather than God giving me the strength to continue. Which direction is it supposed to go? Maybe my approach to God is all wrong. Maybe that statement was all wrong. God approaches me?

In any case, I hate the feeling of not knowing how I am going to pay my bills next month. Working at the coffee shop for months while I was applying for other jobs pretty much depleted my savings. Although being a financial analyst is better paying, I find myself playing catch up with my bills now, trying to just pay off as much as possible. Grad school was expensive, it turns out.

I have worked so hard—going to school, working multiple jobs, dealing with a bunch of other crap, doing my best to be there for others—but now for what? I can’t even move out of my parents’ house! WTF!?!?! Does hard work even matter any more? Does attempting to be a respectable member of this society count for nothing? Who does get rewarded? I’m not asking for a lot I don’t think—I just want my independence back.

Yeah, yeah, I am very fortunate to have the safety net of my family, which many do not. I know Kaka would tell me to go to CNN.com and see how good I have it. But this just seems to be the same thing over and over and over again. My nerves are raw, my soul is beginning to feel bruised by the past 9 months. No, it is bruised. Pretty badly, actually.

God, a gin and tonic sounds good right now. But that is about an hour long solution to what has been the anger, pain, feeling of abandonment, stress, and worries of the last months. I need a big change, God, I need it real soon.

Anyway, it has started to snow. I have other things to worry about for this moment i.e. how ol’ blue with its rear-wheel drive is going to perform. Oh goody.