monday, monday

so I am pretty sure I did not get what was the oh so perfect job for me in Chicago. It has been almost two weeks and judging by the way these guys role, they would have called me by now. So silly me for getting my hopes up, once again. I thought this was sounded like THE one, for now at least. It was doing something I have done in the past for a company whose business I understand. Bollocks.

I realize that getting a better job than the stupid temp thing I am doing right now will not solve all the problems in my life. In fact, depending on where this job is, it may make things more complicated. It is just ridiculous that I was raised to value my career SO much. Like, working is a religion in my family--you have to understand this. And now, to continue to the analogy, it feels like god is dead, so to say.

I used to love going to work. Sure, I would be groggy and somewhat cranky in the morning, but at least I got the satisfaction by the end of the day that I had accomplished something good and that I had made a difference. Right now, I just push paper, sometimes literally. But now, I wake up with an anxiety attack. Great.

Yes, getting a better job will not solve everything, but when you've been raised to think that what you do is critical to who you are and you don't feel like you really do anything, well, it sucks for your entire self-image. It makes me feel like I do not have value, which of course affects relationships and everything else down the line as well. Getting a job will not change all of this overnight--but it will be a step towards regaining my independence, having relationships and moving on.

A lot of people abandon faith and religion. My career is something I cannot abandon. I find it impossible to stop believing in it, to stop believing that I have to do something in this world as part of my job in order to be a worthwhile person. I know that you probably think I am crazy and should get over it, but I am sorry, I cannot, it is just the way I am. Until something changes, I will continue to be plagued with anxiety. I try to overcome my poor self-concept or at least fake it, as this is not the best state to go on interviews in, but the rest of the time, I honestly just want to hide under a blanket. I believe one can make a difference everywhere and anywhere and that is what I try to do at my job every day, even in the smallest of ways--helping someone out in a small way, asking somone something meaningful about their life so perhaps for a moment they feel they are in a place where they matter.

That's what it is--we want to matter.

I guess maybe not abandoning my career means I have faith--faith that something is going to work out. I try to have faith, I pray for miracles, because I think that God makes them happen. It feels to me like it's time. But miracles don't happen on our time.

So I'll keep waiting and keep trying. I am sure I matter in someway to someone. I keep my head up and try to smile as people pass by.

in other news, i discovered podcasts. OMG! this is like free stuff! i am so excited!