august in iowa

i have never lived anywhere so rigidly defined by seasons and customs as iowa. growing up in oregon, one's wardrobe changed daily depending on the weather. living in other mild climates in germany and south africa was similar. namibia produced a monotonous routine of wearing light, loose-fitting clothing. but in iowa, i have a distinct winter, spring, summer, and fall wardrobe. i have actually packed things away, knowing that there is basically no chance i will need shorts in january (unless i go on a cruise) or a full-length tweed coat in july (unless i go on one of those cruises to antarctica).

the iowans have produced distinct customs for each season. right now, in the entire dsm metro area, perhaps the entire state, the first question after "how are ya?" in a conversation is "have you been to the fair?" the iowa state fair is supposed to be the best in the entire country. since i have never really encountered anything very much like a fair anywhere else in the world, i guess that means it must be the best fair in the world. while there are carnivals, livestock shows, food bazaars, concerts, and races almost everywhere, the american fair combines all of these. in the case of iowa, it takes the form of a 10-day bonanza.

this year, my answer to the fair question is "no." as i explained to my barista this morning, "why would i pay ten dollars to be hot and get fat?" besides, i was not impressed with the fair last year, save for the james taylor concert. i used to love going to the fair when i was younger. of course, this had a lot to do with the fact that i was in 4-h and dreamed of having my own farm someday. it all seemed pretty exciting there--there was a lot to dream about. now, i find myself irritated with the excess and the crowds. even the 4-h stalls are not artfully decorated like they used to be. as for the food, there are some things i believe should just not be "on-a-stick."

yesterday we had "state fair food day" at the prison, er, office. i discovered another iowa or at least midwest "food", namely, a walking taco. WHAT? i experienced another one of those moments here where everyone turned and looked at me as if i were naked. apparently, iowa natives enjoy walking tacos everywhere from the school lunchroom to the high school footbal stadium to the state fair.

okay, what is it? you take a small bag of doritos and before opening it, crunch up the chips inside before opening it on the long end with scissors, not by tearing it. then you scoop ground beef, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatos, and salsa directly into the bag. you them mix up all the ingredients and c'est voila: you have a walking taco that you can eat with a spoon, fork, sfork, whatever. i guess it is called a walking taco because you don't have to tip you head to take a bite, eliminating the need to stop.

i swear i am not making this up.

we also had a corn eating contest. i made it to the semifinals. just because i grew up in oregon doesn't mean i don't have skills in this area.

august not only brings the fair and all its wonders, but also oppressive heat. driving in ol' blue this afternoon on a country road, i was momentarily transported to the b-2 in the way to swakopmund in namibia. it had nothing to do with the scenery--corn does not thrive in the desert i guess. and the road was not so bumpy as to ruin the suspension of the vehicle. no, it was the weight of the heat in the pickup. the drive from windhoek takes four hours and feels like a race, because you simply cannot wait to arrive at the coast and enjoy temperatures that can be 25 degrees cooler than inland.

this summer has felt like a race for me--i have raced to lose a lot of weight i was carrying. in the process, i found more weight that i needed to dispose of. the bed of the pickup is free of unneccessary weight that was slowing it down. soon, i will step out of the steamy pickup onto the cool sand and the fresh sea air, if only in my head.

monday, monday

so I am pretty sure I did not get what was the oh so perfect job for me in Chicago. It has been almost two weeks and judging by the way these guys role, they would have called me by now. So silly me for getting my hopes up, once again. I thought this was sounded like THE one, for now at least. It was doing something I have done in the past for a company whose business I understand. Bollocks.

I realize that getting a better job than the stupid temp thing I am doing right now will not solve all the problems in my life. In fact, depending on where this job is, it may make things more complicated. It is just ridiculous that I was raised to value my career SO much. Like, working is a religion in my family--you have to understand this. And now, to continue to the analogy, it feels like god is dead, so to say.

I used to love going to work. Sure, I would be groggy and somewhat cranky in the morning, but at least I got the satisfaction by the end of the day that I had accomplished something good and that I had made a difference. Right now, I just push paper, sometimes literally. But now, I wake up with an anxiety attack. Great.

Yes, getting a better job will not solve everything, but when you've been raised to think that what you do is critical to who you are and you don't feel like you really do anything, well, it sucks for your entire self-image. It makes me feel like I do not have value, which of course affects relationships and everything else down the line as well. Getting a job will not change all of this overnight--but it will be a step towards regaining my independence, having relationships and moving on.

A lot of people abandon faith and religion. My career is something I cannot abandon. I find it impossible to stop believing in it, to stop believing that I have to do something in this world as part of my job in order to be a worthwhile person. I know that you probably think I am crazy and should get over it, but I am sorry, I cannot, it is just the way I am. Until something changes, I will continue to be plagued with anxiety. I try to overcome my poor self-concept or at least fake it, as this is not the best state to go on interviews in, but the rest of the time, I honestly just want to hide under a blanket. I believe one can make a difference everywhere and anywhere and that is what I try to do at my job every day, even in the smallest of ways--helping someone out in a small way, asking somone something meaningful about their life so perhaps for a moment they feel they are in a place where they matter.

That's what it is--we want to matter.

I guess maybe not abandoning my career means I have faith--faith that something is going to work out. I try to have faith, I pray for miracles, because I think that God makes them happen. It feels to me like it's time. But miracles don't happen on our time.

So I'll keep waiting and keep trying. I am sure I matter in someway to someone. I keep my head up and try to smile as people pass by.

in other news, i discovered podcasts. OMG! this is like free stuff! i am so excited!

thank you for caring

because right now, it doesn't feel like a lot of people care. at least not a lot of people in my immediate surroundings. i mean, i have my "housemates" and a couple friends, but I miss my peeps who've been there since high school (how lame does that sound? but it is true--i have know my two best friends since high school!). and when i get depressed and lonely, i tend to close up and not reach out to my amazing friends, which is totally what i should not be doing. thus, sending me a comment is like saying "hello, what the F is up?!" and i need that.

last weekend in chicago was a terrible disappointment. i swear, job interviews are like drunken hook-ups (not that i have many of the latter). but here you are, you get all whooped up on adrenaline (or alcohol) and are excited about this opportunity (or chick who has started to look more attractive), go through the interview (making out), and are afterward pretty disappointed (disgusted at yourself for 1. thinking that chick was hot 2. drinking that much alcohol and paying for it). the people who interviewed me were totally unprepared and acted like they didn't give a shit that i was there. so shame on me for stressing so much, paying for a crappy motel, taking off work and losing money as a result, and oh, btw, gas is expensive right now, so transportation is not cheap. i am out over $200 bucks as a result of going through a bunch of hoops to join an organization that you discover is not even that into you.

just like the random hook ups, you eventually get tired of it, for a variety of reasons, with the number one reason being that you realize that you are worth a lot more in terms of treatment and opportunity.

so i kind of felt like an interview whore last week.

seriously, who still asks you "what are three of your strengths and three of your weaknesses?" that seems like so seventh grade. then there was the stupid so-called "real life" situation which was explained so horribly that anyone's answer would have been wrong.

yeah, i realize we have to invest some in order to get "the" job, but i took two days out of my life and you gave me a half-ass 57 minutes for a job that i am not that into anymore. it was like i prepared for the romantic dinner and they were just going for the hookup.

i have not heard anything back, but i don't really care. because as cybil sheppard would have told me (or now heather locklear): because i'm worth it! as jack handy as this sounds, it's true gosh darnit! i've already invested a lot: in my education, in working hard to obtain applicable practical experience, in obtaining new skills, in learning new languages, in becoming a composed and professional individual. so although in many ways, i am desperate right now because my income is pathetic, i have no health insurance, i live in iowa, and i have an abusive supervisor, i am not that desperate. i hope not.

that is the crappy thing about the whole combination of temping and looking for a job. i feel bad about myself because i am doing something STUPID and working for someone who is a horrible human being. and then i feel bad about myself because i keep getting rejected from all of these positions. it's like getting knocked down onto a bed of nails. and i've kept getting up again, and again, and again. but i have my days, i guess we all do, so maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself, because i feel guilty about feeling bad.

see what a nutcase i am?

so i went to neiman's after the interview and i spent a lot of money on kiehl's because i was basically out of everything since i haven't been buying it in order to save money. that pretty much reversed the money-saving trend. all in one fifteen minute trip to the kiehl's counter.

so now i am just praying for a miracle. that's really all that i feel i can do, because i have been trying everything else, alas, to no avail.

yesterdy rolla and i went with some people we know from le continental to the cubs game. no, not THE cubs, rather the I-Cubs i.e. the minor-league team here in dez moinay. it was fun, i got tan, and i drank too much. but thankfully, besides sending random "i love you" text messages, i did not make out with anyone and therefore had no regrets. i am sure i made inappropriate comments, but then i do not need to be intoxicated to do that.

living the lifestyle

todd, who is the bartender at the continental, always answers the question "how are you?" with "just living the california lifestyle!" since we are in the iowhat, i appreciate his subtle humor, which is a rarity here as well as his positive outlook or at least an attempt at that.

i am not sure what that has to do with anything, it just seemed like a nice way to begin.

anyway, my life continues. i do have an interview in chicago on monday, which i am pretty excited about. who knows, maybe this will be the one. i am just praying they will see the value in me and not find it weird or intimidating. the jetset might be just around the corner. then again, i may continue to be the mail guy. but i will not let that happen.

i get to dog sit a pug this weekend. he is funny because he has an underbite and breathing probem. i mean, i guess it really isn't funny, but really, it is. try it--make an underbite and breath heavily. i guarantee it will make you laugh, even just a little.

this means, however, that i will be taken away from yard work for a couple of days. it will be nice not to start off the week being sore all over from, uh, planing 16 boxwoods in your frontyard or ripping out sod to make new flower beds. who knows, maybe i will take the pug to the park or the farmers' market and pick up chicks. of course, this never really worked with nawa, because she either got overly excited or became really scared, which was not endearing to me or her.

i guess i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week. but i am excited to find out.

that's all.

the randomness concludes.

i miss me, too

sometimes i feel like i've lost a part of myself in iowa, but God gives me the opportunities to be reminded that super amischwab is still there.

today, i am really pissed off at my job, my supervisor in particular. like, i am physically angry.

this person doesn't realize who she's talking to.

i have every reason to be a snob. i am an accomplished and talented individual. it is true that i have very high standards, because i believe we as humans are capable of growth and progress. at the same time, i firmly believe that every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. i believe that living this out is not only a moral imperative, but that it is also a favorable practice in creating a harmonious society as well as building a successful business. in doing so, i have been able to cut deals with a range of individuals: rural african farmers to wall street hot shots.

this person needs to realize everyone she's talking to, with or without merit, deserves respect and dignity.

so when i am treated in a way that violates this code, i get really angry.

in the end, i will continue to make a difference wherever i go and whatever i do. this is what i will be remembered for. i will not be remembered for putting others down because of my mistakes or my insecurity.

we all have the opportunity to do this. so make sure to make friends with the mail guy, the people who bring the mail guy the mail, smile and say hello to the cleaners, greet the security guard when you come in every morning. it's not about reciprocity (though you could easily be "them"), it's about principle--we all add value to our society, to our organizations, to our communities--are we can all make a difference in a small way by recognizing that, even in the smallest way.

thank you. i am done now.

there are exceptions. i made the small change of rearranging the mail operations and got these responses via e-mail:

"I just have to say that I appreciate your assistance and your professional attitude. Keep up the good work!"

"I really appreciate all of the work that you do for us and I think you are very organized and everything goes a lot smoother than it did previously. SO...thanks for your hard work."

so take that stupid supervisor.

damn, i still need a real job, though. but it's going to come.

and that's what the real amischwab would say. he ain't gone.

some stuff that's happened

early last week, i received an unexpected phone call from a company in chicago to which i had sent an application weeks ago. it was for an "international management trainee" position, which is of course right up the amischwab's alley. i was offered an interview for friday, with the possibility of a "call-back" on saturday. it quickly became a trip for me and the housemates--a weekend in chicago.

of course, i spent the whole week being nervous, but actually felt good once we finally got to chicago and i felt that the group interview, which was somewhat reminiscent of "the apprentice" went well. i was, however, the oldest candidate--most had just barely or were about to finish undergrad and had zero experience. after the group interview, i was even more excited about the position. it provided the opportunity to work with a diverse team of talented people around my age in a fast-growing company that promotes management from within and quickly. to top it all off, their latest project involves setting up a technology academy in africa. um, hello, dream come true, right here.

but i didn't get a call-back. well, i did get a call, around midnight friday, informing me of what an intelligent, interesting, personable, and outgoing person i was, but that i was not being selected for an individual interview. ok. so i asked for some feedback. "we just didn't see why you really wanted to do sales." alright, i guess me reitterating over and over again about wanting to build a business, being focusses on growth, being creative and persistent in seeking out clients provided NO indication about my interest in sales. what a bull-sh!t answer! alas, it was midnight, so I just left it there.

(oh, btw, i hate it when people say that i am interesting. really, i am not. plus, it makes me feel like a prematurely washed-up intellectual who will end up with some sh!t job and will age prematurely but people at work will say, wow, he is so interesting. please, do not let this happen to me.)

basically, i think they want people they can mold more, not people who are their peers already. whatever.

i am no stranger to rejection, as you know. i am getting kind of good at it. i guess this is what we call personal growth? rejection in my personal life--no problem. getting used to it professionally is admittedly more of a challenge for me since i kind of am a career maniac.

additionally, it gave me insight about what i want to do and what i am good at. i am good at setting up business and operations in new markets, particularly international ones. i've done it in germany, namibia, and south africa as well as in the us. ok, only four examples, but for being 26, not bad i'd say. it's what i like to do because it involves so much--economics, business, politics, culture, language. figuring out this mix and making it work fascinates me and motivates me.

so at least i am moving in the right direction. and i know that i still have game.

it's easy to say at the end of the day that those f-ers don't know what they're missing out on. while this is true, self-confidence also does not pay for health insurance or student loan bills, as i reminded my housemates during a late-night conversation on friday.

i've prayed a lot about getting a job. well, now my prayer is for the right job.

the other good thing is that i got to go to chicago, albeit for just a couple of days. i know i made the big announcement about moving to chicago, but then i became uncertain a couple weeks later. i had actually never been there (besides many stops at the airport in my jet-setting days) but it is a beautiful city, it's so diverse, they have neiman's and direct flights to frankfurt, and i don't feel like i stand out. oooooh, and there is water. so it remains a contender. i could see myself there.

my housemates and i decided that in light of the fact that i did not get a call-back, that there was no point in staying a second night in chicago. so we did our obligatory shopping in the morning (can we say crate and barrel outlet store!? WONDERFUL! [if i actually had a home]) and then they went to some museum. i was not in the mood, so i walked along the lake (love water) and in the downtown area. and then we drove back to the iowhat.

tomorrow, i have lots of yard word to look forward to. see, i am really not that interesting. i'll be in old sweats and sneakers just like everyone else in suburbia. not so interesting. and totally employable by the right company.

lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

hunkering down

so i got a new temp gig. i am working in the tax department of a large bank. it's pretty exciting. i sort mail and faxes all day long. so i would rate my job satisfaction as: high. nevermind that i have the constant urge to weep all day long, that i have no human interaction, and my supervisor does not speak to me--it's a job.

no really, i am glad to have a gig again. hopefully, i will be able to save a lot in order to finally make my big move. i just try and focus on that. all of the above is true and i know you appreciate a dry sense of humor.

i applied for the last job i will apply for in iowa this evening. it is as a product marketing manager and involves a lot of domestic and international travel. i figure by the odd chance i do get it, this could be a decent home base for a couple of years. the cost of living is cheap, so i could pay off a decent chunk of el grad school loanos. we'll see--i'll probably just intimidate the hell out of those people anyway, per usual.

so yes, some serious hunkering down going on here.

rolla and i had our typical monday evening meeting at le continental, which was nice. the weather was good--we could have even sat outside. spring smells good, but rolla said all that she could smell was cigarette smoke. that is pretty much the extent of my social life. tonight, i hung out with my dad and watched law and order. suhhhweeet.

since it is no longer minus eighteen degrees celcius in the iowhat, i have started to go on walks again since i no longer have a gym membership and the eliptical at home gets old and running hurts my knees, yes, i powerwalk around suburban iowhat with techno playing on my ipod and yellow sneakers. really it is a classic amischwab moment. and really, i should laught about it more.

i talked to my friend kel-lay on sunday evening. i just think you should all know what an amazing person she is. really, i have thought about her a lot this past year, after being rejected from so many jobs and feeling like i am falling away from my dreams. see, kel-lay is an opera singer and lives in manhattan. she has a fancy corporate job by day in order to support her numerous auditions, lessons, etc. she gets rejected all of the time--it is almost like a lifestyle choice. but she knows what she is meant to do, so she persists, even though she might be happier somewhere else. so shout outs and smooches to her. she is just one of the people who i am thankful to have to help keep me going.