lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.