YOUR WELCOME...

…this has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I am picky about language. Granted, I myself am not perfect. For example, I often write English sentences with German syntax. But at least I know the basics, you know, the difference between:

there-their-they're

know-no-now (I have recently discovered that people actually do write "know" as "now")

its and it's

and of course, when people write "your welcome" instead of "you're welcome." please.

other pet peeves include: people not using their turn signals, especially on the freeway, people who don't know how a 4-way stop works, people cutting in line (which is a HUGE downside to Germany), lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners in general (the former being a huge downside to the Iowhat), and when stupid skinny chicks cut in front of you at a busy bar.

that's all.

living the lifestyle

todd, who is the bartender at the continental, always answers the question "how are you?" with "just living the california lifestyle!" since we are in the iowhat, i appreciate his subtle humor, which is a rarity here as well as his positive outlook or at least an attempt at that.

i am not sure what that has to do with anything, it just seemed like a nice way to begin.

anyway, my life continues. i do have an interview in chicago on monday, which i am pretty excited about. who knows, maybe this will be the one. i am just praying they will see the value in me and not find it weird or intimidating. the jetset might be just around the corner. then again, i may continue to be the mail guy. but i will not let that happen.

i get to dog sit a pug this weekend. he is funny because he has an underbite and breathing probem. i mean, i guess it really isn't funny, but really, it is. try it--make an underbite and breath heavily. i guarantee it will make you laugh, even just a little.

this means, however, that i will be taken away from yard work for a couple of days. it will be nice not to start off the week being sore all over from, uh, planing 16 boxwoods in your frontyard or ripping out sod to make new flower beds. who knows, maybe i will take the pug to the park or the farmers' market and pick up chicks. of course, this never really worked with nawa, because she either got overly excited or became really scared, which was not endearing to me or her.

i guess i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week. but i am excited to find out.

that's all.

the randomness concludes.

i miss me, too

sometimes i feel like i've lost a part of myself in iowa, but God gives me the opportunities to be reminded that super amischwab is still there.

today, i am really pissed off at my job, my supervisor in particular. like, i am physically angry.

this person doesn't realize who she's talking to.

i have every reason to be a snob. i am an accomplished and talented individual. it is true that i have very high standards, because i believe we as humans are capable of growth and progress. at the same time, i firmly believe that every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. i believe that living this out is not only a moral imperative, but that it is also a favorable practice in creating a harmonious society as well as building a successful business. in doing so, i have been able to cut deals with a range of individuals: rural african farmers to wall street hot shots.

this person needs to realize everyone she's talking to, with or without merit, deserves respect and dignity.

so when i am treated in a way that violates this code, i get really angry.

in the end, i will continue to make a difference wherever i go and whatever i do. this is what i will be remembered for. i will not be remembered for putting others down because of my mistakes or my insecurity.

we all have the opportunity to do this. so make sure to make friends with the mail guy, the people who bring the mail guy the mail, smile and say hello to the cleaners, greet the security guard when you come in every morning. it's not about reciprocity (though you could easily be "them"), it's about principle--we all add value to our society, to our organizations, to our communities--are we can all make a difference in a small way by recognizing that, even in the smallest way.

thank you. i am done now.

there are exceptions. i made the small change of rearranging the mail operations and got these responses via e-mail:

"I just have to say that I appreciate your assistance and your professional attitude. Keep up the good work!"

"I really appreciate all of the work that you do for us and I think you are very organized and everything goes a lot smoother than it did previously. SO...thanks for your hard work."

so take that stupid supervisor.

damn, i still need a real job, though. but it's going to come.

and that's what the real amischwab would say. he ain't gone.

mutti, the prophet

one thing about parents is that they often know the right thing to say at the right time that just makes you feel all better. here's a good example:

"well, God must just want to strip you all the way down to the studs."

huh.

this is in reference to being passed over for yet another job.

mutti was, in this case, prophetic with her words, because when i returned to the iowhat, there was some mail waiting for me from the insurance company. yep, i have been granted insurance on a conditional basis. why? well, medical history for one (we all know about that story). but the other? apparently, i am too fat.

excuuuuuuuuse me? granted, on paper, i might not line up exactly with the charts. however, if you met me in the flesh, especially now after having lost all the grad school weight, i don't think you say, hmm, he's a bit chunky. i am not skinny, but i am not fat, not even husky i would say. i am pretty average, especially when i look at some of the guys around me.

so yes, the prophet has spoken.

some stuff that's happened

early last week, i received an unexpected phone call from a company in chicago to which i had sent an application weeks ago. it was for an "international management trainee" position, which is of course right up the amischwab's alley. i was offered an interview for friday, with the possibility of a "call-back" on saturday. it quickly became a trip for me and the housemates--a weekend in chicago.

of course, i spent the whole week being nervous, but actually felt good once we finally got to chicago and i felt that the group interview, which was somewhat reminiscent of "the apprentice" went well. i was, however, the oldest candidate--most had just barely or were about to finish undergrad and had zero experience. after the group interview, i was even more excited about the position. it provided the opportunity to work with a diverse team of talented people around my age in a fast-growing company that promotes management from within and quickly. to top it all off, their latest project involves setting up a technology academy in africa. um, hello, dream come true, right here.

but i didn't get a call-back. well, i did get a call, around midnight friday, informing me of what an intelligent, interesting, personable, and outgoing person i was, but that i was not being selected for an individual interview. ok. so i asked for some feedback. "we just didn't see why you really wanted to do sales." alright, i guess me reitterating over and over again about wanting to build a business, being focusses on growth, being creative and persistent in seeking out clients provided NO indication about my interest in sales. what a bull-sh!t answer! alas, it was midnight, so I just left it there.

(oh, btw, i hate it when people say that i am interesting. really, i am not. plus, it makes me feel like a prematurely washed-up intellectual who will end up with some sh!t job and will age prematurely but people at work will say, wow, he is so interesting. please, do not let this happen to me.)

basically, i think they want people they can mold more, not people who are their peers already. whatever.

i am no stranger to rejection, as you know. i am getting kind of good at it. i guess this is what we call personal growth? rejection in my personal life--no problem. getting used to it professionally is admittedly more of a challenge for me since i kind of am a career maniac.

additionally, it gave me insight about what i want to do and what i am good at. i am good at setting up business and operations in new markets, particularly international ones. i've done it in germany, namibia, and south africa as well as in the us. ok, only four examples, but for being 26, not bad i'd say. it's what i like to do because it involves so much--economics, business, politics, culture, language. figuring out this mix and making it work fascinates me and motivates me.

so at least i am moving in the right direction. and i know that i still have game.

it's easy to say at the end of the day that those f-ers don't know what they're missing out on. while this is true, self-confidence also does not pay for health insurance or student loan bills, as i reminded my housemates during a late-night conversation on friday.

i've prayed a lot about getting a job. well, now my prayer is for the right job.

the other good thing is that i got to go to chicago, albeit for just a couple of days. i know i made the big announcement about moving to chicago, but then i became uncertain a couple weeks later. i had actually never been there (besides many stops at the airport in my jet-setting days) but it is a beautiful city, it's so diverse, they have neiman's and direct flights to frankfurt, and i don't feel like i stand out. oooooh, and there is water. so it remains a contender. i could see myself there.

my housemates and i decided that in light of the fact that i did not get a call-back, that there was no point in staying a second night in chicago. so we did our obligatory shopping in the morning (can we say crate and barrel outlet store!? WONDERFUL! [if i actually had a home]) and then they went to some museum. i was not in the mood, so i walked along the lake (love water) and in the downtown area. and then we drove back to the iowhat.

tomorrow, i have lots of yard word to look forward to. see, i am really not that interesting. i'll be in old sweats and sneakers just like everyone else in suburbia. not so interesting. and totally employable by the right company.

lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

this american life

i am going through withdrawl right now. i ran out of one of my medications and since i do not have health insurance, i can't get it renewed or pay for it for that matter. the half-ass health insurance (you know, the kind that will maybe let you go to the ER if your leg falls off, but only if it's bleeding real bad) will kick in from my temp organization soon, however, this is somewhat futile since i am not allowed to take any time off during the first 90 days of my assignment, so no doctor's appointments. so no drugs for amischwab for awhile, i have got the shakes a little bit, but i am coping pretty well. one day at a time.

in good news, i got a letter from the student loan people that my application for forebearance of my loans has been approved.

my friends, this is the new american life. it is not a complaint, though it certainly does suck, but i know so many of us are in the same boat. we did everything right: we worked hard through school, college, first and second jobs, then grad school--we did the "right" thing--and we're left in a precarious position. done with school and unable to find a decent paying job for months while facing what amounts to a small mortgage when we are just starting out.

i hope it's worth it.

i finally got over the constant urge to cry at the new temp job by thursday. then on friday my boss discovered that the two previous temps had left a backlog of work at least two weeks long that she expects to have taken care of by monday. huh, pretty sure i cannot undo space and time, but we'll see.

it's time...

...and i am a little nervous.

after many conversations with friends back in the PNW and my family here, i have realized that it is time for plan Z.

i have tried really hard to make things work in iowhat, but i find myself mistreated and undervalued. it is frankly a little ridiculous. so i've got to move on.

so i think i am moving to chicago. i do not know how this will happen or exactly when, but i have to do something. i can't wait around here much longer.

updates to follow.

so, i kind of lied

when i said last week that i expected nothing or very little from this trip, i lied. i expected to have a lot of time and i would use this time to sit in coffee shops with free wireless and work on the el job searcho, blog, catch up on e-mail, etc. alas, this did not happen at all. it does not mean that this was not a valuable experience, but i am exhausted and feel like i have a lot of catching up to do when i get back to the iowhat.
i hate this feeling of being behind. it is like oversleeping, except i have overslept by ten days, not ten minutes. so i will probably spend the next 24 hours self-loathing and then become highly productive tomorrow.

all dressed up and nowhere to go (or no one to take me)

It has been said that the core of human fear stems from abandonment. When one is in need or in danger and there appears to be no means of protection or no way of escaping a situation, one experiences fear that can be traced to an overwhelming sense of utter hopelessness. In these situations, we require someone else to rescue us and it often seems or is actually the case that there is no one to perform this role.

Abandonment is an emotion I have experienced frequently during the last several months. One could argue that avoiding this feeling is what drives our behavior. It is true that much of what I have tried to accomplish in order to take back my life relates to this. Recently, I have come to understand and accept that this is inherent in the human experience. I would like to think that it does not drive all that I do, but at the end of the day, I am sure that one could make a convincing argument that this was the case.

I find myself again experiencing this poisonous emotion. We experience it in a variety of situations, from medical crises to a relationship ending to a loved-one passing on. There are also the mundane cases, but abandonment feels the same. I am sitting on a front porch waiting for a taxi to take me to an interview and it has yet to come. I called an hour and a half ago to order the cab and I am now forty minutes late for the interview. This is, of course, not the impression I would like to make on the organization. Alas, I do not having another option. I am feeling abandoned.

My extreme tardiness to this meeting could affect the course of my life. I say this with caution, knowing that it might appear that I am blowing the situation out of proportion. It may also turn out that the recruiters will totally understand the situation and overlook my now forty-five minute lateness. One might say that this is an opportunity to demonstrate how I behave in crisis situations and will actually make me a more credible candidate. I can rationalize almost any outcome.

In the end, though, I have no control. I have called the taxi company a total of four times and I always receive the same answer, that I am next on the list, that they are busy. I have phoned other companies as well and the story is the same. There is no access to another form of public transportation where I am at and walking might have been an option three hours ago, but no longer.

In short, I am feeling abandoned. At first, I was enraged by the situation. My anger has yet to fully subside, but I now find myself saddened by potentially missing an opportunity at a chance to present myself and my abilities to a potential employer. And yes, the taxi has still not arrived, I am fifty minutes late now.

To extrapolate this though process even further, perhaps to its end, much of this has to do with time. Time has bound me to arriving late. It is also time, however, that will free me. At the end of this day, I will enjoy time with old friends and I am sure the events of the day will not be significant. If, in fact, I never make it to the interview or any for that matter, time will inevitably produce other opportunities. So life continues and time will also bring our inevitable death when time will no longer matter to us and all of these situations will be forgotten.

This is verging on coming across as morbid, but the same is true in the present. We know that each day will end and that the sun will rise. In the meantime, it is our charge to take advantage of the time we are given. We will fail and succeed over and over again. We will grow tired, yet we will rest and attempt once again to fulfill the charges of the day. Morning will come and in the end, we will come to find to comfort and solace that each and every one of us craves and needs. Of this I am convinced.

(p.s. taxi never showed, no other companies could help me. i missed the interview and could just say sorry.)

sometimes, you don’t want any more helpful advice, you just need a glass of water

i am visiting my undergraduate campus today. If you have ever done this, you know that it is strange, pretty much on the same level as visiting your old high school or primary school for that matter. A person’s years at university were supposedly very formative. Thus visiting campus, even if it is only to see a few select individuals, is like stepping back into a pressure cooker. Here I am, it is if I am saying, did I turn out like you had hoped? Did you receive the return on investment you had hoped for? Some people had placed high bets on me and I on myself, perhaps even higher.

I have not achieved what I thought I would have by this time. Four years ago when I thought about my future, I did not expect anything that has occurred, particularly over the last year. In avoiding those people from my past, I am also avoiding those antiquated expectations. I am also avoiding helpful advice that would put me back on that track. See, that advice is just another form of placing expectations on someone. Really, I do not need any more. I know what options are available, I know that should these not materialize or work out, I have the flexibility to seek out others, and I know that this all takes time. I also know that I am the worst about expecting a great deal from myself and I do not believe that this is unreasonable. I understand what I am capable of and what I need to do in order to support my capabilities.

One learns the difference between expecting what another person will do and expecting what they will become as a person. By no means am I doing what I or others expected. Many goals and dreams seem stagnant now or have died altogether. At the same time, the self is still very much alive, though it has formed itself and been formed in different ways than what was projected.

The people we want to connect with are those that care about the life inside the form and not the form itself. They are those who provide the rich soil and water and fertilizer in which we grow, not those with pruning shears and saws. The shears and saws are the helpful advice. Just as a tree will not fully thrive if the gardener continues to chop away any new growth in order to keep it in a particular form, the self too will eventually stagnate when continuously chopped at with helpful advice.

In German, the word for a nursery is “Baumschule,” which literally translates as “tree school.” I believe this is a wonderful metaphor for formal education. Schools, universities, and other places where we have teachers and mentors, so nurseries are full of gardeners that tend to plants and trees in a variety of ways. Some are concerned with giving helpful advice, others enrich the soil and let the plants grow as they are meant to.

It is not difficult to find gardeners who will prune trees. Finding ones who will water the trees is rare. It is a far less glamorous task, but it is vital for the survival of the tree.