so its been awhile

heatherfeather wrote a long overdue post, so i thought i'd do the same.
right now, i am in the iowhat. don't worry, it's only for a few days over christmas. it was strange being back at first. i had that same feeling when i moved here before, that is, the feeling that i was yelling at everyone when i talked to them. i guess we are just a lot more straight-forward on "the coasts" as they call it here.
it is really nice to be with the fam i.e. my former housemates. everyone is just happy (though mutti and i are sick with colds) and there is not really any stress, which is such a change from three months ago. i am really glad i moved to washington.
my trip back here was fine, except for having to get up at 2 am and leave at 2:30 am and then when i got to SeaTac, there was a line out the door (at 4 am--really?!) so i was a little concerned, but i made the flight and the next one (yeah, i know, shocker, no direct flights between seattle and dez moinayz).
i saw neener at le continental on thursday night where toddler was tending the bar. it was nice to get a big hug from both of them.
friday was family day. costco, barnes and noble, target..fun times. i hung out with amil friday night which was good.
i kinda miss mj and jillywog.
it was nice to just hang out today. soooo nice.
work is going well. my contract has been extended through the end of february. so i have time to find something permanent while making decent money. and there could be something permanent at the major coffee company, so we will see.
i actually was offered a permanent position with an international PR company. i turned it down. that may sound stupid, but it would have been a HUGE pay cut, even way out of the range i was looking for. and they were not willing to negotiate on anything, so that sent major signals about the company. it was kind of a leap of faith, but it felt so wrong.
so i keep applying for jobs, but i am in such a better place. and i know things are going to work out.
btw, i want an iPhone. blah.
randomness--mutti got a gift-wrapped juicy couture purse from nordstrom today. she did not order it and she called her bff to ask if it was from her and it was not. so, my mother got a random $300 christmas present. weird!

what got fritz and mutti to leave the house at 5am?

today was the democratic candidates' debate in des moines and so we went down to rally for obama at drake university. it was another sultry iowa morning in august, so we were pretty sweaty when it was all over. screaming and yelling for over an hour felt like a workout. all in all, it was an energizing experience.

see, i wasn't making this up

here i am in the corn eating contest...
and this is what walking tacos look like!

august in iowa

i have never lived anywhere so rigidly defined by seasons and customs as iowa. growing up in oregon, one's wardrobe changed daily depending on the weather. living in other mild climates in germany and south africa was similar. namibia produced a monotonous routine of wearing light, loose-fitting clothing. but in iowa, i have a distinct winter, spring, summer, and fall wardrobe. i have actually packed things away, knowing that there is basically no chance i will need shorts in january (unless i go on a cruise) or a full-length tweed coat in july (unless i go on one of those cruises to antarctica).

the iowans have produced distinct customs for each season. right now, in the entire dsm metro area, perhaps the entire state, the first question after "how are ya?" in a conversation is "have you been to the fair?" the iowa state fair is supposed to be the best in the entire country. since i have never really encountered anything very much like a fair anywhere else in the world, i guess that means it must be the best fair in the world. while there are carnivals, livestock shows, food bazaars, concerts, and races almost everywhere, the american fair combines all of these. in the case of iowa, it takes the form of a 10-day bonanza.

this year, my answer to the fair question is "no." as i explained to my barista this morning, "why would i pay ten dollars to be hot and get fat?" besides, i was not impressed with the fair last year, save for the james taylor concert. i used to love going to the fair when i was younger. of course, this had a lot to do with the fact that i was in 4-h and dreamed of having my own farm someday. it all seemed pretty exciting there--there was a lot to dream about. now, i find myself irritated with the excess and the crowds. even the 4-h stalls are not artfully decorated like they used to be. as for the food, there are some things i believe should just not be "on-a-stick."

yesterday we had "state fair food day" at the prison, er, office. i discovered another iowa or at least midwest "food", namely, a walking taco. WHAT? i experienced another one of those moments here where everyone turned and looked at me as if i were naked. apparently, iowa natives enjoy walking tacos everywhere from the school lunchroom to the high school footbal stadium to the state fair.

okay, what is it? you take a small bag of doritos and before opening it, crunch up the chips inside before opening it on the long end with scissors, not by tearing it. then you scoop ground beef, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatos, and salsa directly into the bag. you them mix up all the ingredients and c'est voila: you have a walking taco that you can eat with a spoon, fork, sfork, whatever. i guess it is called a walking taco because you don't have to tip you head to take a bite, eliminating the need to stop.

i swear i am not making this up.

we also had a corn eating contest. i made it to the semifinals. just because i grew up in oregon doesn't mean i don't have skills in this area.

august not only brings the fair and all its wonders, but also oppressive heat. driving in ol' blue this afternoon on a country road, i was momentarily transported to the b-2 in the way to swakopmund in namibia. it had nothing to do with the scenery--corn does not thrive in the desert i guess. and the road was not so bumpy as to ruin the suspension of the vehicle. no, it was the weight of the heat in the pickup. the drive from windhoek takes four hours and feels like a race, because you simply cannot wait to arrive at the coast and enjoy temperatures that can be 25 degrees cooler than inland.

this summer has felt like a race for me--i have raced to lose a lot of weight i was carrying. in the process, i found more weight that i needed to dispose of. the bed of the pickup is free of unneccessary weight that was slowing it down. soon, i will step out of the steamy pickup onto the cool sand and the fresh sea air, if only in my head.

mutti, the prophet

one thing about parents is that they often know the right thing to say at the right time that just makes you feel all better. here's a good example:

"well, God must just want to strip you all the way down to the studs."

huh.

this is in reference to being passed over for yet another job.

mutti was, in this case, prophetic with her words, because when i returned to the iowhat, there was some mail waiting for me from the insurance company. yep, i have been granted insurance on a conditional basis. why? well, medical history for one (we all know about that story). but the other? apparently, i am too fat.

excuuuuuuuuse me? granted, on paper, i might not line up exactly with the charts. however, if you met me in the flesh, especially now after having lost all the grad school weight, i don't think you say, hmm, he's a bit chunky. i am not skinny, but i am not fat, not even husky i would say. i am pretty average, especially when i look at some of the guys around me.

so yes, the prophet has spoken.

thursday

I am wondering if Asian and/or Asian-American men in the United States feel like people will be suspicious of them now that this murderer has committed the massacre at Virgintia Tech. I just ask because it seems so often the case when a major event happens: the quiet, nerdy, suburban white kid gets called into the school counselor's office after Columbine, Arab-Americans are harassed after 9-11, attractive young female teachers become associate with underage sex, etc.

With my opening statement, I am obviously not suggesting that what this guy did had anything to do with his ethnicity, but in a society in which we are constantly flooded with images, and in
this case, repeatedly of the same individual, I wonder if the association is inevitable.

I also think about international students in general. In my experience, particularly as undergrads, they don't seem to integrate very well into the American student population. Of course there are exceptions. But as a largely isolated group (I understand that on some campuses, there is even an international student dorm which to me kind of defeats the purpose of studying in another country, but anyway) I wonder if suspicion and isolation will increase.

Or maybe, maybe, for once, the people of the United States will for once view this individual at face value, for lack of a better phrase: this guy was clearly mentally ill, clearly disturbed, clearly violent, clearly just really screwed up--and this had nothing to do with where he came from or what he looked like.

lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

this american life

i am going through withdrawl right now. i ran out of one of my medications and since i do not have health insurance, i can't get it renewed or pay for it for that matter. the half-ass health insurance (you know, the kind that will maybe let you go to the ER if your leg falls off, but only if it's bleeding real bad) will kick in from my temp organization soon, however, this is somewhat futile since i am not allowed to take any time off during the first 90 days of my assignment, so no doctor's appointments. so no drugs for amischwab for awhile, i have got the shakes a little bit, but i am coping pretty well. one day at a time.

in good news, i got a letter from the student loan people that my application for forebearance of my loans has been approved.

my friends, this is the new american life. it is not a complaint, though it certainly does suck, but i know so many of us are in the same boat. we did everything right: we worked hard through school, college, first and second jobs, then grad school--we did the "right" thing--and we're left in a precarious position. done with school and unable to find a decent paying job for months while facing what amounts to a small mortgage when we are just starting out.

i hope it's worth it.

i finally got over the constant urge to cry at the new temp job by thursday. then on friday my boss discovered that the two previous temps had left a backlog of work at least two weeks long that she expects to have taken care of by monday. huh, pretty sure i cannot undo space and time, but we'll see.