not sure what is up with the title spot, but here goes...
"is there a song about july?"

i seems like there are at least several songs about days of the week:

"sunday bloody sunday" U2
"monday, monday..." mamas and papas (i think)
"met this chick on monday, took her to the club on tuesday, we were making love by wednesday..." (craig david, pathetic, i know. let this be the last blog post ever involving him.)
...and i am sure there are plenty of songs about friday, a way overrated day of the week.

not sure how that last one goes, but anyway. i can't seem to think of any songs that deal with months.

i want july to mean something, to be an important turning point, because i am so ready. in many ways, i feel at peace with myself, with who i am, recognizing that becoming who i am fully will be a constant process and struggle. at the same time, i am not at peace with my situation. i need some freaking health insurance, for one. oh yeah, some decent income would be nice. a sense of purpose in my work? ding-ding-ding. please and thank you.

i am restless to say the least. god knows what i have been going through internally during the last six months. i fear i have internalized it into an ulcer. but then, since going to the doctor and getting all the tests would run me several weeks wages, i will have to wait and find out.

ok, i swear i am not complaing or wallowing here. i have been extremely proactive, to the point of randomness. people tell me i need to take risks. my goodness, i am in iowa and have stuck around, that is a risk! i have interviewed for jobs in strange cities. i have opened myself up to working in industries and cities i would have never dreamed. i have come to know iowan culture. i didn't just sit in my house on the internet and wait for stuff to happen, did i? i do not believe that would be a fair assessment. i have invested time and money and stress into making my life more how i would like it. alas, to no avail.

granted, there have been improvements. i no longer budget in tips to my earnings. at the same time, i have to be dishonest to get any time off for an interview. but at least i have gotten interviews.

in terms of coming to peace with myself, i recognize that i have perhaps overassessed the gravity of this situation. it takes a lot of people a long time to find a decent job. and i haven't done poorly for my age or situation in life in terms of my career and life experience. i've dealt with a lot of my "issues" although i risk sounding like a character on "my so called life" writing that. i do know myself better, i know what i need and what i still really want, and have found some other things that i really want, too. more on that later (maybe).

so it's going to be a good july, people. if you've got a song to add to this month's soundtrack, please send it my way (as well as a gift certificate to iTunes...hahaha).

rolla is leaving at the end of the week (friday, the 13th indeed). tomorrow is our last monday evening session--my social event of the week (see why friday's are overrated!?) admittedly, it is sad to have a friend move away, especially when it's a good friend and you do not have many around. and when you are usually the one doing the leaving.

i am so excited to see the life she will build there. at least july will be exciting for someone.