heartbreaking

nawa got fixed today, but she seems more broken than before. i can tell she is uncomfortable, though it is nice that she is not being the jumpy jack russell like her mother. it makes me sad and worried, though she is thankfully not showing any bad signs associated with getting fixed.
she has this look on her face:















this was probably back in september or october when we were still in south africa. i think she was sad because i was going to work. now she is sad because her abdomen has been ripped open. i know the feeling, baba (baby in afrikaans).
first day of work today. went well. nice people. learning stuff. totally new and unrelated to anything i have done before.
yay job.
and i rode my bike, which was great, though a little hot in the humidity here. so glad i was NOT wearing the burberry suit in this weather.

sick

i went an saw the new superman movie with my family on the imax screen today (their idea, not mine). i was already feeling not so hot after some questionable chinese food which i purchased from a woman, who according to her name tag, was called "juanita," of course, a very traditional chinese name. but the movie made me so sick, it is not even funny. first of all, we had to stand in line for a hour because of some timing error on the part of the people who run the imax. as we walked into the theatre, a group of four 14 year olds dressed in suits who were standing at the front of the line, ripped their button downs open to reveal their superman shirts. wow, that's hella cool.
with all the zooming around and lois lane's nose being 10 feet tall, i wanted to hurl by the end of the movie. but i am alive.
which is surprising because i think i was almost killed at least four times by stupid iowa drivers today. these people drive in the city as if they were still on the farm. hello!? changing lanes whenever you feel like it, ignoring 4-way stops, and rolling starts do not work in the city people. it makes me a bit apprehensive about driving (as of thursday morning!) here.
don't go see superman on the imax screen. there really is no point, because the movie really isn't make for imax. as my dad said, they just put a normal movie on a really big screen and it just didn't work. there are not, in my opinion, enough scenes to justify it being on imax. and the ones that do e.g. superman flying around saving people, just make you sick to your stomach. and i do not have a weak stomach.

i got me some wheels

no, i am not allowed to drive yet. that comes thursday. today, i bought a bike with some of the money i got as a present for graduation. it is nothing fancy, but it makes me so much more mobile. i was actually able to go to the supermarket without someone having to drive me. of course, since i live in suburban iowa, there was no bike rack to lock up the bike, but a shopping cart corral did the trick. suburban iowa is not so bike friendly like the pacific northwest, but i plan on riding my bike to the new job and getting some much needed exercise and of course, saving gas money. it feels great.
i love riding my bike. i could see myself as a hobby cyclist. in germany, i rode my bike everywhere and got into excellent shape. even when i was working there, i rode my bike, which was kind of funny as an american, seeing myself and others peddaling around berlin in a burberry suit. that was, of course, when i could still fit into the burberry suit, which i have now given to my anorexic brother, who frankly, does not do the beauty justice.
alas, my ass balooned by 35 pounds in grad school and this, said suit had to be passed onto said much skinnier brother.
so really, this post is not so much about the new bike. it is about me being bitter about the burberry suit, which is beautiful and perfect and which my brother does not even appreciate since he does not even understand or appreciate its value, much less even know that it has a burberry label.
i'm not gonna lie--i love a good suit, as is probably obvious. yes, gueggs, this probably does contribute to me seeming "metro." in any case, i still mourn the suit.
i look forward to having a job again when i get to wear suits every day. guys have it so easy--you always look good in a good suit and don't even really have to think about it in the morning.

in any case, i am excited to have the bike.

i hate

i hate eHarmony commercials. they are evil, evil things for single people. they do not produce hope or a desire to join the website to find "the one." rather, they produce an urge to projectile vomit. i hate them.
and i hate that i watch way too much tv and therefore see them too often.
but then, after having one channel for the past six months, i guess watching a little tv for a couple of weeks is not such an evil thing.
and this will soon change.
i got a job. at the international coffee place. you may know it.
this is what i went to grad school for.
i am sooo excited. honestly.
so i close this entry with
i love.

fire fly

you make the night glow
even when the stars
are blocked by the clouds
and they
try to extinguish you
with the fog

you illuminate
the sad heart
and
give tidings
of the morning to come

when i cannot see
past the darkness of the night
you are the reminder
of hope and wonder
in a world that extinguishes both

fire fly
you are the mystery of the night
and the flicker of hope
for mornings fresh with dew
and new life

time for a little perspective

so you all know i am ready to hit the jet-set again. and i haven't really meant this blog to be a pity party as of late. so sorry about that.
there are serious disadvantages to the jet-set.
case in point. december 2003. germany. nuremberg. it was a weekend--the first of the famous christkindlmarkt there (very famous christmas market in germany). i was with friends, having returned earlier in the week from business in namibia.
it sounds so glamorous, doesn't it?
sunday morning, 5:30 am. i had gone to an awesome jazz club the night before.
my cell phone rings. did my parents mess up the time zones thing again?
my dad was on the line. "Fritz, this is your father." like he always says.
"your mother is in the hospital, she has a pulmonary emoblism, and might die. do you think you could come home for christmas earlier?"
i jumped out of bed, onto the internet, found the next train to frankfurt, and was off. i had just a backpack and my laptop, as i was only supposed to be on a weekend trip.
and i had just bought a case of apples that were sitting in my apartment 7 hours away.
my mom did not die. she had a long recovery and i was at home for 4 weeks.

the point of it is, it often sucks to be so far away from one's family--and i have experienced this first hand. this is an incredible opportunity to have a lot of time with them. although i am stir crazy, this is a great chance. and i need to be grateful for this. attitude adjustment in progress.

and btw, the apples rotted like a mo-fo--it was gross coming back to a whole case of moldy apples. ew.

as i mentioned...

...there is nothing on TV, so i am watching this show called "bridezillas." men--DO NOT watch this show. it will automatically make you never want to get married. the women on this show are unbelievable. they are sooo mean. and their weddings are costing like $60k!!!!!!!!!! that is stupid.
i am eloping.
well, that is, as soon as i find a bride.

oh, i forgot

so just to let you know, my friend does not have cancer. thank God.
it still sucks, though.
especially since said friend is the healthiest person i know. he even eats organic food.
and I smoked through grad school and was a functional alcoholic.
and all i had was a seizure.
life is unfair, but what else is new.
plus, he lives in germany, so his fancy education was FREE.
so i guess it all evens out, in a weird f-ed up way.
anyway, thanks for your concern.
when i called him, he was drunk watching the opening game of the world cup.
so all is good.

i hit the wall today

i hit the wall today. i don't really know why.

maybe it's the fact that is was a horrible midwest muggy day.
maybe it was my dad being slow and methodical as usual.
maybe it was the slow people at the grocery store.
or the fact that sweet potatoes cost $1.49 and pound at the store and the red leaf lettuce was gross.
maybe it was the wind blowing while i was trying to spray paint.
or the nic fit i had.
maybe it was the disappointment that i was supposed to go out tonight with my brother and meet people my age but instead he went to the movies and left me at home.
maybe it is because i need to just be around other people, though my family and i have gotten along swimingly (i haven't even fought with my brother once).

on another note, i am watching the real world right now. granted, whatever people on this show say is the gospel truth. do you really think there is always a "special place in your heart for your first love"? gosh, i hope not.

i did make a nice meal tonight because it was my parents' anniversary. pork tenderloin, sweet potato fries with curry sauce, and a good salad. and the wine was a hit. before we knew it, the whole two bottles were gone, which is a rarity for my family. my dad said it left a nice warm feeling in his stomach. whatever that means.

because i need something to do

50 of the MOST Random Questions Ever
1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
at home, in the burbs, per usual
2. Who are you in love with?
unfortunately, no one
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
ew
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
a dress shirt (it works with my skin tone, okay?!)
5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
cannot even remember
6. Are you wearing socks right now?
no (scandalous!)
7. Do you have anything over $2,000?
a car
8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
haven't driven since march 29, OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks for rubbing it in!
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
no
10. Are you hot?
do you even have to ask?
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
pepsi
12. What are you wearing right now?
white holey t-shirt, khaki shorts
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
this question assumes i do either
14. Last food that you ate?
carrots, i think
15. Where were you last week at this time?
on a train
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
no, unfortunately not.
17. When is the last time you ran?
why must you humiliate me with such questions?
18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
world cup, germany and poland
19. What is your favorite animal?
zebra
20. Your dream vacation?
anywhere but iowa?
21. Last person's house you were in?
rachel's
23. Have you been in love?
not sure
24. Do you miss anyone right now?
lots of people
25. Last play you saw?
not sure, it's been awhile
27.What are your plans for tonight?
hmmm, being at home.
28. Who is the last person you sent a myspace message or comment?
carole (ex)
29. Next trip you are going to take?
germany, september, wedding
30. Ever go to camp?
lutherwood!
31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
fo' shizzle
32. What do you want to know about the future?
um, will i get the job i want
33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
nothing at the moment, normally yves saint laurent body couros
34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
prolly, alas, no health insurance (ah, the joys of being an american!)
36. What happened to 35? I think that it was just overwhelmed by 36 and disappeared
37. Do you have a tan?
yeah, what else am i supposed to do in iowa besides develop skin cancer?
38. What are you listening to right now?
my hands dancing accross the keyboard
39. Do you collect anything?
crap
40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
unfortunately, me
41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
on the way to DIA, last april
42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
um yeah
44. Do you like hot sauce?
not really
45. Last time you took a shower?
sunday (i usually take baths, okay? it dries my skin out less!)
46. Do you need to do laundry?
no, i'm good.
47. What is your heritage?
scottish and german, and of course, 1/16 chinese
48. Are you someone's best friend?
maybe
49. Are you rich?
does my credit limit count?
50. What do you think of the person who took this survey before you?
i enjoy his blog, that's about all i know.

i am stumped

i've tried to keep an open-mind about the different, um, customs in the midwest, but a recent discovery has totally baffled me.
at the local public library, among books, magazines, CDs, DVDS, etc. you can check out CAKE PANS.
cake pans.
that is right, cake pans.
huh.

not my first

my iowa fire fly was not my first. i encountered my first fire fly in northern virginia, if i recall correctly. i was 19 and working for some lobby group supposedly trying to save the world, feeling more like i was suckered into a facist environmentalist plot. but i learned a lot in the process. i was totally independent and that was cool, though independence meant many-a-night walking past the library of congress crying at 11 pm on the way to the metro. but the fire fly, i remember it. i was in quantico, virginia. i felt that sense of wonder. i still cried that night, i am sure, but for a moment, it was worth it. just for a bug.
DC was yet another one of the many random places i have lived. and iowa is just another on the list. i suppose it is not that random of a place. namibia was pretty random, until the evil brangelina ruined its untouched beauty and innocence and only increased confusion and misunderstanding about the place.
seriously, a lot of people (especially in my circle of friends) can "brag" about living in DC (though if you really have, you realize it is not as glamorous as it sounds, at least in my opinion), but who can say they have lived in IOWA? not many. i can only think of one person.
the thing is, a single event, a single person, a single place--one single thing can make it all worth it ultimately. this doesn't mean we should stay in these places. there was a cafe in bochum that i loved, but i could never have stayed there just for it. but the point is, we can get something out of everywhere, every time. we must approach life with this attitude.

my first fire fly

i saw my first fire fly in iowa tonight. it was kind of cool. one of the wonders of the midwest, i suppose. we didn't have fire flies in the northwest.
but we did have good wine.
my parents went to some arboretum today and bought wine nearby. it left something to be desired, mmm, okay, a lot. iowa wine = not so good. oregon/washington wine = very good.
iowa must supply north american churches with communion wine, because that is what this stuff tastes like.
i made dinner tonight. parmasean pork cutlett, roasted garlic new potatoes, and german cucumber salad. one of my finer works, if i do say so myself.
i have been quite engaged in homemaking and yardmaking. tonight's project was spreading cocoa mulch in the front yard. it looks quite good, and now the front yard smells like chocolate.
i now have cable. there's nothing on tv, though. i craved cable when i only had one channel in denver. now, i wonder what i was missing.
the corn continues to grow, in case you were wondering.

save us from the time of trial...

...especially when the time of trial happens to be NON-STOP FOX NEWS CHANNEL. this is quite possibly the most challenging part of being at home--it is on constantly. the reasoning? "it's fair and balanced" according to my dad. AHHHH! i cannot stand it! how much more of a mouthpiece of conservative republican america can you find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ruffles

when you don't have a lot to do, you have to rejoice in small victories.
yesterday, i went with my mutti to her interior decorator. afterwards, i am not sure whether surviving this meeting should count as a small or significant victory, because in iowa, RUFFLES are all the rage.
i cannot allow my mom to have ruffles in her house. so beforehand, we developed a united front. we were going to go with the simple stagecoach valance. no ruffles, just some simply, clean fabric with a ribbon accent (no bow).
we drove and met the decorator. she immediately had ideas of her own.
(an aside--my mom actually has really good taste--i could never figure out why she went to a decorator. i think it is because she doesn't trust herself. that is my role--make her go with her gut.)
of course, these ideas included ruffles--LOTS of them. curtains, pillows, chairpads, placemats--all with different ruffles.
this is where i would like to introduce "interior decorator fritz." if you thought business fritz was bad ass, you haven't met decorator fritz. while there may be room for discussion or negotiation with business fritz, decorator fritz is all about "yes" or "no" and perhaps "we don't like that."
so decorator fritz was determined to save his mom's house from ruffles.
"we don't like ruffles, at all"
"but...the fabric needs movement"
"no, the fabric has enough movement in the pattern, we do not want any ruffles. it is not her style."
after repeating this sequence about 5 times with different elements of the room, we successfully left the decorate sans ruffles.
mission accomplished.

iowa

i have moved around a lot in my life. even before heading to university, my family moved quite a bit. i think i lived in seven different houses, which although is probably not on the same level as a so-called "army brat" it is still probably higher than average.
when i left home, i also moved around quite a bit. the summer after my freshman year at plu, i went to washington, dc to do an internship. that was quite an experiece. then came namibia, berlin, bochum, berlin, denver, south africa--amidst all of these, i was moving around cities, too. so i moved again today--amtrak train 6 to osceola, iowa. then an hour car ride to des moines. it is freaky, well, that is how i feel about it anyway. i had no idea how suburban the neighborhood i am staying in would be. there is a sod farm accross the street, and a working corn field in the middle of the development. nothing is within walking distance. while it is a nice neighborhood with green spaces and walking paths, it is just so different from what i am used to i.e. being able to walk around the corner to the store, a restaurant, starbucks, etc. i can't walk anywhere here, and i cannot drive until 29 june still.
ok, this is not meant to be a pity party. i am simply trying to convey the shock of moving to a completely different environment. i just need time to adjust.

in other news, my best friend in germany may have testicular cancer. i just found this out this evening, so i am of course really concerned about him.

i quit smoking last night at about 8 o'clock mountain time.
so far so good.
after hearing about my friend, i had one.
i think that is okay though. back on track now.

last night in denver

matty numbchucks, danita, peipei, and i celebrated my last night in denver at wash park grill. good times!

matt and danita

peipei and fritz

two lovely ladies

buddies

thanks guys!

what does freedom feel like?

this is the question i posed to heatherfeather. she said it felt like heroin. i am not sure what heroin feels like.
i guess at this point i should mention that the reason we are all free is that we are done with our final quarter of grad school. done, done, done.
nothing left to do.
except pay those pesky loans, which starts in six months. in the meantime, i think we all pretty much lack jobs.

peipei and mm came and visited me in my office. they were giddy. that is the only word that fully encompasses how they were. i asked them what they were going to do this afternoon. the
giggled a little more. "anything we want!"

my finishing grad school has been pretty anticlimactic. i suppose i can do whatever i want, but then again, i am broke and jobless. what i would really want is a two week vacation to mexico. not gonna happen.
i leave on the train tomorrow evening, 7:25 pm, California Zephyr, Denver to Osceola, Iowa. Not so much Mexico.

The thing is, freedom is scary. That is what freedom feels like to me. All the structure is gone, everything I've known and hated for the past two years, and now will probably miss.
When I went to Germany for my Fulbright after I graduated from undergrad, I left all my friends, all my committments, all connections, my job, etc. and moved to a town there I had never been to. I went there because there was an institute at the university for development studies that I wanted to do research at and had been promised a mentoring relationship with the director. The town was an old coal mining city, completely depressed due to the end of this industry, and in general, totally depressing. This, combined with my lack of connection to the place in any way, caused a slow break-down that eventually lead me to moving back to Berlin where I had lived before. I had a cool apartment, I got a job, got to read lots of books, and had lots of vistors. It was ideal in many ways. Since I was only there for six months, I didn't have the chance to develop a lot of close friendships, but I had stuff to do, and Berlin is my favourite city--I could never get bored there.

So now I wonder if freedom will paralyze me again. I fear it, to be honest. I know, given the events of the last couple of months, that i need to take time off and do nothing besides redevelop healthy habits and basically chill out and acclimate to my new medication. But doing nothing frankly scares me. I wouldn't describe myself as a busy-body, but I need a purpose. Preferably a purpose that is accompanied with a salary in my desired range.

I am scared.