just because

I usually don’t have the urge to weep at my desk. Instead, I usually feel like screaming. But this morning, while my iPod was on shuffle, the voice of heatherfeather randomly came on singing “here. in my head.” It was a recording she sent me I believe in response to me asking her about an away message she had on AIM. It just caught me off guard—her beautiful voice and the guitar. It made me feel like someone was giving me a hug, which I can always use. It was just one of those moments and I thought I’d share.

thank you for caring

because right now, it doesn't feel like a lot of people care. at least not a lot of people in my immediate surroundings. i mean, i have my "housemates" and a couple friends, but I miss my peeps who've been there since high school (how lame does that sound? but it is true--i have know my two best friends since high school!). and when i get depressed and lonely, i tend to close up and not reach out to my amazing friends, which is totally what i should not be doing. thus, sending me a comment is like saying "hello, what the F is up?!" and i need that.

last weekend in chicago was a terrible disappointment. i swear, job interviews are like drunken hook-ups (not that i have many of the latter). but here you are, you get all whooped up on adrenaline (or alcohol) and are excited about this opportunity (or chick who has started to look more attractive), go through the interview (making out), and are afterward pretty disappointed (disgusted at yourself for 1. thinking that chick was hot 2. drinking that much alcohol and paying for it). the people who interviewed me were totally unprepared and acted like they didn't give a shit that i was there. so shame on me for stressing so much, paying for a crappy motel, taking off work and losing money as a result, and oh, btw, gas is expensive right now, so transportation is not cheap. i am out over $200 bucks as a result of going through a bunch of hoops to join an organization that you discover is not even that into you.

just like the random hook ups, you eventually get tired of it, for a variety of reasons, with the number one reason being that you realize that you are worth a lot more in terms of treatment and opportunity.

so i kind of felt like an interview whore last week.

seriously, who still asks you "what are three of your strengths and three of your weaknesses?" that seems like so seventh grade. then there was the stupid so-called "real life" situation which was explained so horribly that anyone's answer would have been wrong.

yeah, i realize we have to invest some in order to get "the" job, but i took two days out of my life and you gave me a half-ass 57 minutes for a job that i am not that into anymore. it was like i prepared for the romantic dinner and they were just going for the hookup.

i have not heard anything back, but i don't really care. because as cybil sheppard would have told me (or now heather locklear): because i'm worth it! as jack handy as this sounds, it's true gosh darnit! i've already invested a lot: in my education, in working hard to obtain applicable practical experience, in obtaining new skills, in learning new languages, in becoming a composed and professional individual. so although in many ways, i am desperate right now because my income is pathetic, i have no health insurance, i live in iowa, and i have an abusive supervisor, i am not that desperate. i hope not.

that is the crappy thing about the whole combination of temping and looking for a job. i feel bad about myself because i am doing something STUPID and working for someone who is a horrible human being. and then i feel bad about myself because i keep getting rejected from all of these positions. it's like getting knocked down onto a bed of nails. and i've kept getting up again, and again, and again. but i have my days, i guess we all do, so maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself, because i feel guilty about feeling bad.

see what a nutcase i am?

so i went to neiman's after the interview and i spent a lot of money on kiehl's because i was basically out of everything since i haven't been buying it in order to save money. that pretty much reversed the money-saving trend. all in one fifteen minute trip to the kiehl's counter.

so now i am just praying for a miracle. that's really all that i feel i can do, because i have been trying everything else, alas, to no avail.

yesterdy rolla and i went with some people we know from le continental to the cubs game. no, not THE cubs, rather the I-Cubs i.e. the minor-league team here in dez moinay. it was fun, i got tan, and i drank too much. but thankfully, besides sending random "i love you" text messages, i did not make out with anyone and therefore had no regrets. i am sure i made inappropriate comments, but then i do not need to be intoxicated to do that.

made it through the night...

no one tried to break into my hotel room, but i was woken up by a jet crusing directly over the building.

rule of a midwestern education #462: don't spend less than $100 on a hotel in chicago.

i found a starbucks this morning, having woken up quite early. i am sitting here listening to antje duvekot, whom i discovered through heatherfeather. it's a sunny day in chicago, though it is chilly for some reason. when i arrived yesterday and got out of the car, i expected it to be around 80 degrees like it was in dez moinay. alas, it was more like 40.

so my interview is at 10. i am not really feeling that nervous. at this stage of the game, i really have nothing to lose, so if the dude likes me, he likes me, if not, then not. granted, i have had wild fantasies of calling the temp agency on my way back and giving my two weeks notice and going on a mini Kiehl's shopping spree before heading back to iowa. but if not, not. that doesn't mean i'm going to half-ass this thing. that would not be the amischwab way.

my motel did have cable, which i do not have in my own home. so i was kind of excited, until i realized that there is still nothing on.

the pug and i had fun. i texted with rolla and she said he seemed worn out, which is a good thing. i did get him moving a lot with my futile attempts to play fetch with him and walks through the neighborhood much closer to the river than my own (read: more bugs, ew). i was so excited to have a house to myself for the weekend--think of the possibilites is what i thought to myself. so you know what i did on saturday? i hung out with the, er, housemates. kind of like every other saturday.

um, yeah...

...i drove to chicago today for my interview tomorrow. silly amischwab books a hotel online, arrives, and finds it is the sketchiest motel he has ever stayed in ANYWHERE in the world. like, it is worse that the pot-infested hotel LJ booked for us in Amsterdam. I hope that my car is still in the parking lot in the morning. It rieks of smoke--the hallways, the elevator, AND the room. thank GOD the bathroom smells okay so I can put my suit in there (don't want to show up smelling like an ash tray!) i guess the blessing in disguise is that now i am consumed with being freaked out about the motel rather than the interview. oh, and it is directly in the flight path of midway airport, so let's hope i at least get some sleep.

i am so stupid.

YOUR WELCOME...

…this has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I am picky about language. Granted, I myself am not perfect. For example, I often write English sentences with German syntax. But at least I know the basics, you know, the difference between:

there-their-they're

know-no-now (I have recently discovered that people actually do write "know" as "now")

its and it's

and of course, when people write "your welcome" instead of "you're welcome." please.

other pet peeves include: people not using their turn signals, especially on the freeway, people who don't know how a 4-way stop works, people cutting in line (which is a HUGE downside to Germany), lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners in general (the former being a huge downside to the Iowhat), and when stupid skinny chicks cut in front of you at a busy bar.

that's all.

living the lifestyle

todd, who is the bartender at the continental, always answers the question "how are you?" with "just living the california lifestyle!" since we are in the iowhat, i appreciate his subtle humor, which is a rarity here as well as his positive outlook or at least an attempt at that.

i am not sure what that has to do with anything, it just seemed like a nice way to begin.

anyway, my life continues. i do have an interview in chicago on monday, which i am pretty excited about. who knows, maybe this will be the one. i am just praying they will see the value in me and not find it weird or intimidating. the jetset might be just around the corner. then again, i may continue to be the mail guy. but i will not let that happen.

i get to dog sit a pug this weekend. he is funny because he has an underbite and breathing probem. i mean, i guess it really isn't funny, but really, it is. try it--make an underbite and breath heavily. i guarantee it will make you laugh, even just a little.

this means, however, that i will be taken away from yard work for a couple of days. it will be nice not to start off the week being sore all over from, uh, planing 16 boxwoods in your frontyard or ripping out sod to make new flower beds. who knows, maybe i will take the pug to the park or the farmers' market and pick up chicks. of course, this never really worked with nawa, because she either got overly excited or became really scared, which was not endearing to me or her.

i guess i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week. but i am excited to find out.

that's all.

the randomness concludes.

i miss me, too

sometimes i feel like i've lost a part of myself in iowa, but God gives me the opportunities to be reminded that super amischwab is still there.

today, i am really pissed off at my job, my supervisor in particular. like, i am physically angry.

this person doesn't realize who she's talking to.

i have every reason to be a snob. i am an accomplished and talented individual. it is true that i have very high standards, because i believe we as humans are capable of growth and progress. at the same time, i firmly believe that every person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. i believe that living this out is not only a moral imperative, but that it is also a favorable practice in creating a harmonious society as well as building a successful business. in doing so, i have been able to cut deals with a range of individuals: rural african farmers to wall street hot shots.

this person needs to realize everyone she's talking to, with or without merit, deserves respect and dignity.

so when i am treated in a way that violates this code, i get really angry.

in the end, i will continue to make a difference wherever i go and whatever i do. this is what i will be remembered for. i will not be remembered for putting others down because of my mistakes or my insecurity.

we all have the opportunity to do this. so make sure to make friends with the mail guy, the people who bring the mail guy the mail, smile and say hello to the cleaners, greet the security guard when you come in every morning. it's not about reciprocity (though you could easily be "them"), it's about principle--we all add value to our society, to our organizations, to our communities--are we can all make a difference in a small way by recognizing that, even in the smallest way.

thank you. i am done now.

there are exceptions. i made the small change of rearranging the mail operations and got these responses via e-mail:

"I just have to say that I appreciate your assistance and your professional attitude. Keep up the good work!"

"I really appreciate all of the work that you do for us and I think you are very organized and everything goes a lot smoother than it did previously. SO...thanks for your hard work."

so take that stupid supervisor.

damn, i still need a real job, though. but it's going to come.

and that's what the real amischwab would say. he ain't gone.