so no jobo

my statistics professor in grad school (of all people) was convinced that I possessed slight psychic powers. This is one of the many reasons I liked her. And it appears that they have worked again, as I correctly predicted that I did not get the job in chicago. But the feedback I received was the best ever. Basically, it came down to them choosing a candidate who had previously sold translation services, but they were impressed with me. I used my psychic powers to see if they were being honest, and they were. So it actually turned out to be a confidence booster i.e. I still got it, I still got it, I STILL GOT IT! Holla heeeeyyyyyy!

one of my housemates said to me the other day "Do you think maybe God wants you to be in Iowa?"
how could that be true?
does God even care about that?
yes, I think so, but part of me wants to think God does not, because how could God want me to be in Iowa, where it appears I have no place.

perhaps he is pushing me into the depths of angst and isolation to further drive my creative process so that I will be a world-renowned author and poet by the age of 30 and move to Berlin and spend my days sitting in street cafes, smoking heavy French cigarettes and drinking lots of cappuccino while doning dark glasses, a leather motorcycle jacket and a black scarf, and my nights chugging Red Bull while hitting techno clubs and making other bad choices that will further fuel the creative process and take my writing in a new direction until I have had enough one day and move to Africa again and live by the beach and start an orphanage and write about the raw human existence with a gin and tonic always in hand (to protect against malaria) and a shaved head. Ok, maybe not the shaved head. And maybe not the techno clubs because they are kind of out.

ok, that just came out from nowhere--not sure from where, but it sounds like I have been thinking about it for awhile.

so now we've gone from psychic to psychotic. Great.

i am thinking July will be full of some decisions, on my part and on the part of others.

someone at work actually wrote this to me in an e-mail

"One more question, what is a Fritz?"

this was a serious question.

to which i responded:

"I am a Fritz, it is my name."

monday, monday

so I am pretty sure I did not get what was the oh so perfect job for me in Chicago. It has been almost two weeks and judging by the way these guys role, they would have called me by now. So silly me for getting my hopes up, once again. I thought this was sounded like THE one, for now at least. It was doing something I have done in the past for a company whose business I understand. Bollocks.

I realize that getting a better job than the stupid temp thing I am doing right now will not solve all the problems in my life. In fact, depending on where this job is, it may make things more complicated. It is just ridiculous that I was raised to value my career SO much. Like, working is a religion in my family--you have to understand this. And now, to continue to the analogy, it feels like god is dead, so to say.

I used to love going to work. Sure, I would be groggy and somewhat cranky in the morning, but at least I got the satisfaction by the end of the day that I had accomplished something good and that I had made a difference. Right now, I just push paper, sometimes literally. But now, I wake up with an anxiety attack. Great.

Yes, getting a better job will not solve everything, but when you've been raised to think that what you do is critical to who you are and you don't feel like you really do anything, well, it sucks for your entire self-image. It makes me feel like I do not have value, which of course affects relationships and everything else down the line as well. Getting a job will not change all of this overnight--but it will be a step towards regaining my independence, having relationships and moving on.

A lot of people abandon faith and religion. My career is something I cannot abandon. I find it impossible to stop believing in it, to stop believing that I have to do something in this world as part of my job in order to be a worthwhile person. I know that you probably think I am crazy and should get over it, but I am sorry, I cannot, it is just the way I am. Until something changes, I will continue to be plagued with anxiety. I try to overcome my poor self-concept or at least fake it, as this is not the best state to go on interviews in, but the rest of the time, I honestly just want to hide under a blanket. I believe one can make a difference everywhere and anywhere and that is what I try to do at my job every day, even in the smallest of ways--helping someone out in a small way, asking somone something meaningful about their life so perhaps for a moment they feel they are in a place where they matter.

That's what it is--we want to matter.

I guess maybe not abandoning my career means I have faith--faith that something is going to work out. I try to have faith, I pray for miracles, because I think that God makes them happen. It feels to me like it's time. But miracles don't happen on our time.

So I'll keep waiting and keep trying. I am sure I matter in someway to someone. I keep my head up and try to smile as people pass by.

in other news, i discovered podcasts. OMG! this is like free stuff! i am so excited!

the past several days....

So I had another job interview in Chicago last week. The experience was so far the best of all the interviews I have had so far. Well, I guess. For one, the company put me up in a nice hotel on Michigan Avenue. This is a vast improvement over the Super 8 on the South Side like last time. While it was annoying that my interview was rescheduled three times the day on which it took place, that turned out really not to be a problem and allowed me to show what a flexible individual I am. It did make me nervous at first since I was due to have dinner with Ann, a professor of mine from undergrad, back in Des Moines, but thanks to some phone calls to her hotel and message-leaving, it all worked out.

To tell you the truth, I have only had one job interview that I recall that I felt really good about at the time. It was for my main job back in Denver and was the beginning of a great working relationship. Otherwise, most interviews have felt just kind of "eh." Your know, "eh."
This interview felt kind of "eh." I mean, I really did not feel like there were any questions I did not have good answers to, but I just could not read at all what the reaction was, positive or negative.

So while the last interview was like a drunken hook-up, this was like a blind date that went alright and that you're waiting for a phone call back from, knowing that you making the call would be jumping the gun, but you’re so desperate to know about.

In other news, I quit smoking (again). This time, I am taking the advice of Amil and trying the Commit lozenges. So far, they are pretty effective, except that you're not supposed to eat or drink 15 minutes before taking them, which is just kind of annoying. Too much planning, you know. I still miss smoking, smoke breaks, everything like that. But then again, it is only day 3 of breaking a 4 year-old habbit. It is like losing a good friend. How pathetic does that sound? But if you have ever done this, you know that is exactly how it feels.

I also got to have dinner with my favorite prof from undergrad last week. Of course, we talked about the usual: politics, Africa, old gossip, etc. But it is interesting how our relationship has become more personal. After talking about dictators and development programs, we can spend hours talking about her grandchildren or her cat that seems to have 13 lives. Kind of fun.