relief

i did not get the job in kansas city.

and i am relieved.

there was something that did not feel right about it, but i knew if i did get it, i would have no justifiable reason not to take it.

so we continue.

breakfast of champions...

...snickers satisfies.

now that we have established that, i can move on. the swiss miss, who has been somewhat MIA lately, commented on my blog. i guess she has been bizzy, which i understand, but she also updated about her fab life in manhattan (which btw, has nothing of dez moinayz, ahem). anyway, it reminded me of berlin. back when we were kids. okay, it was like, er, five years ago, holy crap. we had an interesting life. i mean, we partied, we did artsy things, we sat in parks, we shopped, i showed them all the things i bought in west berlin, we had secret parties when my landlady was away, we made fun of east german teeange girls and loathed the brit trash that had invaded prezlauer berg.

it reminds me that life can take so many turns. even now, as i sit here in the iowhat waiting to hear about a marketing job, i could also become a famous german poet within the next year, move to berlin, wear all black, and sit in cafe's, smoke Gauloises all day, and write. we think we are so limitted in life. and i admit, despite the hopeful-sounding posts i have written the past few days, i feel limitted, too. i am stuck in the middle of nowhere, quite literally.

but i guess this is what hope is--the ability to imagine that something seemingly impossible can happen. and it has. i know it has in my life, starting with making it through the first six weeks of my life. i am sure we all have at least one experience that truly seemed like a miracle. logically, it made no sense. the odds were against us or in our favor, for that matter. but what happened, did. and here we are, but how quickly we unlearn how to hope.

and it continues...

..."it" being the emotional rollercoaster known as el job searcho. it's actually more like job boot camp in that it breaks you down so low that you are nothing, and so you have to be built back up again. or at least that is what it feels like.

but there is a lot of other stuff to do. like planning for my trip to oregon and washington. it has been almost year since i was there. i have so many people to see and since this is all kind of last minute, i am sending all of these desperate e-mails to people "please make time for coffee/lunch/beer/whatever."

of course, priority number one is seeing my grandparents. that will be quite an experience i am sure. more on that later. rolla just got back into town so I am gonna go say hey.

lest we mire in what is...

i was reminded this morning of what a beautiful gift we all have: imagination--the power to think of what could be, and not just of what is.
i need to dream/fantasize/imagine more.

when i taught english at a township school in namibia, i was totally unprepared for a lesson one day. so i told the class, we are going to take 20 minutes and think about what our dreams are and then write them down. so i set my swatch watch and watched them struggle, watched their confusion, watched them giggle. when the time was up, i asked if anyone wanted to share. those who chose to share expressed pure delight in their fantasies. children in townships in namibia do not receive a lot of opportunities to escape with their minds.

nothing has happened in this world without someone imagining first what could be. perhaps it was academia, perhaps it was too many hard knocks, perhaps it was a constant feeling of exhaustion, but it was so long since i imagined what could be.

towards the end of december when the winter really set in here in iowa, i was at a very deep and dark place in my psyche. i was angry, i was depressed, i was tired. and then an e-mail came from pandu, who happens to be my closest friend in namibia. the subject line in the e-mail was "believe in the god of impossibilities."

really, i didn't need to read the e-mail itself.

whether you are a so-called person of faith or have some other belief system or claim nothing at all, i believe the message is universal. we are all endowed with an imagination.

use it.

(and yes, i did use the verb "fantasize" in this post.)

sometimes, you just have to get out…

i do not have a very active social life in iowhat. I have Monday evenings with Rolla, Thursday evenings with Amil, and well, the rest involves sitting in my basement, doing a project, possibly accompanied by some pilsner. This is in large part due to (a) the lack of people to hang out with (b) the people I do hang out with have crazy schedules.
Right now, I am tired. I want to go home and take a nap. But I also have a strong desire to go out, to be wild, oh, to be 25 again. It’s like turning 26 immediately aged me. Reruns of Frasier seem good now. I am starting to feel nostalgia or something. And I use eye crème more and more.

Sorry, I just fell asleep for a second there.

Well, it is probably just the weather. It is actually beginning to rain here, not snow. Amazing, huh? I suppose this is good preparation for my trip to Oregon, which will hopefully take place beginning March 4, but we shall see what the travel gods have in mind.

truth from bottle caps

Now that I have given up soft drinks, Sandeep has picked up the habit. I came back to my desk this afternoon and saw that he had a large bottle of Mountain Dew in his hand. I can tell that though he is happy to have a job for now, he is approaching his limit with this audit process. It is also somewhat comforting to know that the soft drink industry’s loss of my patronage will be made up by my office mate. As he left for the day, he showed me the bottle cap. “Try again, it says” he reads to me. Yes, at the end of the day, all we can do is try again. So we do.

take out your iPod (or whatever)

hit shuffle. Listen to a song for a few seconds. Does it bring back a distinct memory or feeling? List it here. If not, hit the next button until you come to one that does. Repeat 15 times.

1. Beautiful Day, Mary J. Blige
Walking around Berlin on a sunny spring morning, 2002

2. Lady (Hear Me Tonight), East End
Going to La Dee Da’s in Windhoek, 2001

3. Berlin, The Essex Garden
Late night drives home from the library in Denver, 2004-2006

4. White Flag, Dido
Evenings in my apartment in Neukoelln, 2004

5. Hello, Christina Aguilera
Braais in ZA

6. You Can Close Your Eyes, James Taylor
Early mornings at Starbucks, 2006

7. Sankanda, Bach to Africa
Morning jogs along the canal in Berlin and eating gnats along the way. Fatty German pastries afterwards.

7. Sweet Baby James, James Taylor
Riding the metro to and from work in Washington, DC; Harmony records at Dupont Circle, 2000

8. Route 66, Nat King Cole
Driving to Flagstaff and LA with LJ.

9. No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
Falls semester, junior year at PLU.

10. Eye of the Tiger, Journey
Riding my bike to work on hot summer days, 2006

11. I Can’t Be With You, The Cranberries
A very long train ride from Oregon to North Dakota, 1999

12. Orinico Flow, Enya
Friday afternoons in college with LJ.

13. Round Here, George Michael
Visiting my parents in Washington for the last time.

14. Happy Xmas (War is Over), Sara McLachlan
Working on Christmas Day, 2006

15. Missionary Man, The Eurythmics
Watching my friend's parents dancing in their living room in high school.

sometimes, you just gotta roll with it…

to exit my neighborhood, there are several options. The one I usually take involves going up a little bit of an incline, except when it is icy, it can be a bit challenging. This morning was the case plus there was a lady sitting in her SUV (on the wrong side of the street, mind you) waiting with her kid at the bus stop (hello, you are missing a perfect opportunity to toughen up your kid!) so once I began to slide, I hung a left instead of a right. So the morning began. Literally, I had to just roll with it, down the hill, that is.

Not that this is really a hill, but by Iowhatan standards, it probably counts.

I couldn’t decided what to listen to on my iPod. Was it an inspirational playlist, a techno playlist, a Beyonce playlist, or a classical playlist needed? Ah, the magic of the shuffle function on the iPod. I rolled with it. (The only thing with shuffle is, however, that sometimes you end up with a Christmas song. But that’s what the next button is for. See, when you roll with it, you can also roll past it if you so desire.)

Instead of going into Starbucks, I went through the drive and got to talk to Auntie M and Kliner. (aside: I just noticed that Kliner wrote “Fritzi Baby” in huge sharpie letters on the side of the cup—wow, I am making such a professional impression!) And I discovered that the gift card someone gave me for my birthday had TWENTY BUCKS on it! Wow! Quad Grande Nonfat With-Whip Cinnamon Dolce Latte, here I come!

And pulling out of the parking lot, someone actually let me in. This never happens there. Of course, Ol’ Blue stalled as I pulled away. Still working on getting used to the new clutch.

So Aim is somewhere other than Guinea right now. I know she is going to Morocco and then Spain and then back to Denver. See the PC pulled out of Guinea—some troubles there. (I guess that solves my dilemma as to whether or not I will visit her. Guess not. And I don’t need to worry about my French for the time being, either).

Kraeutle’s mom had to have some major surgery that was quite unexpected.

So between those two events, it has been quite a week and it is only Wednesday.

And it’s Ash Wednesday, which means no more pop until Easter. I have a headache right now and a Coke sounds so good. Especially since it is so warm in this office. Seriously, it is still not warm in the Iowhat, but 20 degrees warmer outside makes about 10 degrees difference inside.

Sandeep and I are up to our elbows, literally, in files. So on break, he declared it was a three cigarette break. It is the most assertive thing he has ever said to me. Alrighty then, let’s speed up the lung cancer process.

so it’s my birthday

the 25th year of my life is over. That is just fine with me. You may recall the almost birthday disaster from last year. Kaka and I got to Hansen’s in Denver where I had reserved the party room and they had my party booked for March 19th, not February 19th and there was another party booked (some local celebrity to boot—try competing with that!) Anyway, Kaka took control and was like “So what are you going to do about it?” She fixed it. And then we waited around for like an hour and half until anyone showed up. It turned out to be pretty fun in the end.

so when did people start celebrating birthday’s anyway? Is this just another Hallmark thing?
I have forgotten my birthday before. See I am not so much a morning person, so it has been lunch time before I realized what day it was. When I taught English in Namibia, I was in the break room with the teachers and it occurred to me that is was my birthday. I was like, “Oh, hey guys, it’s my birthday!” They looked at me puzzled—how could you forget? I don’t know. I guess my mind was elsewhere.

there’s really nothing special going on today. Well, that’s not true. One of my housemates is cooking meatloaf and mashed potatoes (you can prolly guess which housemate that is).
The weekend was decent. I was invited to go to church with a friend who has not yet received a nickname here. I am pretty traditional as far as church goes, so anything with powerpoint involved in the sermon isn’t really my thing. It’s cool if that works for you, but since I think powerpoint is a bad idea even in business environments, it’s not going to do it for me at church.

(speaking of powerpoint--why do i hate it so much? cause most of you people SUCK at it. it has taken over some organizations--people don't work, they make (bad) powerpoint presentations. usually, they put way too much text in them and just read them, and to me, this is offensive. hello!? i can read! the other thing people do is use all of those freaking animation features that to me totally detract from the content of the presentation.
stick with bullet points, graphs, and pictures when necessary, please.)

i randomly heard from someone last night who i hadn't talked to in a long time. it was a huge surprise, a shock actually. it was uncomfortable, it was hard, it was sad. but you know what? it also provded a milestone for me. i thought about everything that has happened and all the ways i have grown since i had seen or talked to them. so out of left field (sorry to copy you on accident, la canadienne) once again, the heartland surprises you.

i did something rash. i asked a girl out who has a boyfriend. LJ was like, that is so disrespectful. well, shoot, it's just her boyfriend--i don't see any ring on her finger. but maybe i am a total scuzz ball. i just want a date. i don't remember even the last time i was on a date. and this girl is nice, cute, intelligent, so i was like, wtf why not!?

but i think you can prolly guess that amischwab is not so much a scuzz ball. or at least i hope so!

i guess my birthday for me is anticlimatic because my birth itself was. i was born a month late (no big deal) and had kind of a rough start from the get go. the nurse who took my blood didn't wear gloves, so i got a staph infection. so according to my neurologist, this staph infection is what caused some brain damage on my right temporal lobe, which is why i had the seizures during the past year. so you see, this birthday in some ways has particular meaning, because drawing blood on my actual birthday set this all into motion.

but here i am. i didn't die then. and iowhat hasn't killed me either.

so LJ and i finally got to talk last night. and she asked me what i was giving up for lent. oh, uh, i dunno. "ash wednesday is this week!" she exlaimed. so i have decided to try and give up pop again (or soda or whatever it is called). i am addicted to the fizz--that is really what it is. last year i tried and failed. rachel (who is jewish, btw) pointed out to me that tonic water as in gin and tonic, was technically pop, since it has sugar in it and fizz. thanks. so i cheated a little with that. then i got to washington and was under a lot of stress herding cats around i.e. 25 grad students and i just had to have a freaking coke. so i am going to give it another try. it may seem like a lame thing to give up, but i drink a lot of that stuff. i have a fresca when i wake up, a coke at about 10, a coke zero at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then some kind of diet something at dinner. it will be hard, but it ain't dying on the cross.

so that's all for today.

who are these people?

names have been changed to protect the innocent.

LJ: bff since high school.

kraeutle: the fully german version of the amischwab.

amil: dsm buddy, worked with him at the coffee place. a good buddy all around. thursday nights.

rolla: dsm sister-friend. shares the angst of being a 20-something. used to share every monday night.

kaka: dear friend from grad school. developed friendly codependent relationship. now lives in seattle with her husband frik and baby, sadie.

housemates: i.e. my parents. i lived with them in the iowhat. yeah, i was that cool.

iowhat: where i found myself for about a year. not the cosmopolitan city i am used to living in i.e. berlin, johannesburg, washington, etc.

peipei: another dear friend from grad school. shared many aspects of the journey, including dealing with large amounts of anxiety that came from nowhere.

mattynumbchucks: denver buddy, now lives it up in the east village. the real one, not the one in dsm.

rachel: she doesn't get a secret name. she's just that infamous.

aim: rambles amazing stories from the peace corps.

hf: amazingly happy and successful knitter. on top of that, she is hot.

vera, gueggs, la canadienne: three crazy canadians whom i've never net, but are my most frequent blog readers and in some strange internet world kind of way, there for me.

duncman: young friend from dsm. figuring out life. a caring buddy. major ADD. good kid. now saving the world in LA.

minx: the cat. drools way less than nawa. sleeps, mostly.

nawa: my ex (dog, that is). now resides with cute family in dsm. originally from south africa.

auntie M: motherly figure with whom i used to work at the coffee place. still talk to on phone regularly.

kliner: a mini-version of Auntie M.

a-squared: the closest thing to family besides family. fun and supportive friends from back in the day, now married.

foxer: i was instrumental in getting her her current job (i was on the interview committee, not sure she is glad now). ended up travelling to namibia together for work. we have IKEA competitions: who can get the most for $20.

MJ and jillywog: college friends. former landladies as well. now kind temporary roomates.

kel-lay: also a close friend. met in college, but have become better friends since then. lives in manhattan because she has to right now, would rather be singing arias under some douglas fir trees.

Le Continenal: the only watering hole in dsm worth mentioning. good food, mixed crowd, best bartenders.

and the list will continue to grow...

this starts out a little different than it ends

So there this woman I work with who, especially for being an Iowhatan, is pretty put together as far as how she presents herself. And in this new era of women working outside of the home (yes, this is still kind of new here) some of the old traditions remain, like selling stuff on the side for extra cash. She sells this jewelry stuff to the other ladies and it’s actually kind of cool stuff. But they sit there and look at it and they say, “Sigh, I am so boring, I could never wear this stuff.” And so I am thinking, yes, you ARE boring. Try something different—jewelry would be a good first step. If you think you are boring and you don’t like that, well, find a healthy way to change that. See, there is somewhat meaning in this opening message.

Thank goodness I left so early for work today. No, not due to a traffic jam or something that would occur anywhere else, but because the line at the coffee place was out to the door!

Thursdays at the Beechwood did not happen last night. Rolla went on vacation, Amil had too much to do. Kind of disappointing, but Amil and I are doing something tonight. Wow, imagine going out on a Friday night. I don’t remember the last time I did that or on any night when normal people go out. Oh, the life of being in retail. Normalcy is interesting, but far more crowded.

My contract is supposed to be up next Friday—yay for being unemployed. So I think I am going to fly back to Oregon and enjoy a week of the rain instead of the cold. I am pretty sure some ice crystals have started to form in my bone marrow. I love my Canadians, but alas, a move to Toronto or Montreal or anywhere not in southern BC looks a little unrealistic since I am barely holding onto my sanity in the coldness of the upper Midwest. So unless Vera proposes some time in the future and demands that I be her love slave for all eternity in an ice cave, me coming to Canada during the winter is not looking like something I really am interested in. Sorry, no offense. But gosh darn that universal health care—that is kind of a clincher, though.

(later)

Ugh, my mood has changed dramatically. Now I don’t really feel like going out at all. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I am feeling like I can’t do this anymore. I am so tired, tired from the uncertainty and the insecurity. I keep telling myself, you can do it, you can keep it up. And I feel like God is telling me that, too. But I want to tell God, sorry, I have nothing left, I just can’t. It makes me wonder if that is what I am supposed to do at the end of the day, just put it all on God, rather than God giving me the strength to continue. Which direction is it supposed to go? Maybe my approach to God is all wrong. Maybe that statement was all wrong. God approaches me?

In any case, I hate the feeling of not knowing how I am going to pay my bills next month. Working at the coffee shop for months while I was applying for other jobs pretty much depleted my savings. Although being a financial analyst is better paying, I find myself playing catch up with my bills now, trying to just pay off as much as possible. Grad school was expensive, it turns out.

I have worked so hard—going to school, working multiple jobs, dealing with a bunch of other crap, doing my best to be there for others—but now for what? I can’t even move out of my parents’ house! WTF!?!?! Does hard work even matter any more? Does attempting to be a respectable member of this society count for nothing? Who does get rewarded? I’m not asking for a lot I don’t think—I just want my independence back.

Yeah, yeah, I am very fortunate to have the safety net of my family, which many do not. I know Kaka would tell me to go to CNN.com and see how good I have it. But this just seems to be the same thing over and over and over again. My nerves are raw, my soul is beginning to feel bruised by the past 9 months. No, it is bruised. Pretty badly, actually.

God, a gin and tonic sounds good right now. But that is about an hour long solution to what has been the anger, pain, feeling of abandonment, stress, and worries of the last months. I need a big change, God, I need it real soon.

Anyway, it has started to snow. I have other things to worry about for this moment i.e. how ol’ blue with its rear-wheel drive is going to perform. Oh goody.

wow! another system that doesn't work!

okay, I do not get these career websites with their high-techy job matching tools. here are some of the “opportunities” I’ve been sent that “match” my “profile”:

Firefighter
Administrative Assistant
Shuttle Bus Driver
Restaurant Assistant Manager
Lawn Care Specialist
High School Principal
Truck Driver
Surgical Consultant
Housekeeper
Warehouse Worker
Welder
Gift Shop Coordinator
Flight Attendant
Sous Chef
Security Guard
Electrician

so what did we learn today?

--Big blonde poofy hair makes you look like a cocker spaniel.

--Don’t pick your wedgie when there is the possibility that others can see it.

--Quote of the Day: “I was ahead in the slalom. But in the second run, everyone fell on a dangerous spot. I was beaten by a woman who got up faster than I did. I learned that people fall down, winners get up, and gold medal winners just get up faster.” Bonnie St. John, Olympic amputee skier.

“where are we, what the hell is going on…”

there are some things that you just have to accept. this is the topic today.

--Bulky snow boots are never going to look good with your navy pinstripe pants and tweed overcoat.

--Valentine’s Day is stupid, whether you’re single or in a relationship. Why? Well, if you are single, people just want to make you feel bad for that, but why? If you are in a relationship, it is waste of money. Mmmkay, one example. A middle age couple, kind of just going through the motions. For the woman, it’s an excuse to get a present from her otherwise emotionally detached husband. For the man, it’s an excuse for the woman to, uh, you know.

--People in the Iowhat will never learn to use their turn signals on the freeway. They just won’t so accept it and just be careful.

--Most people are dumb and lazy—this is true at all levels of organizations. Accept it and you will have less angst (but still the same amount of frustration) in your life.

--Men (and women) will for some goddamn reason continue to wear pleated khaki pants. I have given up on that one. I don’t understand it. I will just have to accept it.

--text messaging is one of the best and worst inventions ever.

--I am one of those people who honestly does not mind working in a cubicle. But there are moments when I hear a song and I want to get on top of my desk and rock out.

life's soundtrack

Directions
1. Open up your library (Foobar, iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question below type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. No repeat artists…stuff happens (randomly!!).
7. No cheating or doctoring your list to make yourself look cooler than the person you took this from.

The Result

Opening Credits: El Dorado by Manu Chau

First Day of School: Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake

Falling in Love: Places in My Past by James Taylor

Breaking up: Vagabond by Henri Salvador (how appropriate—since most of b-up’s have been in large part to me moving)

Prom: Bye Bye Baby by Janis Joplin

Life’s Ok: Just One of those Things by Ella Fitzgerald

Mental Breakdown: Brandenburg Concerto No. 1 by Bach

Driving: My Baby Just Cares for Me by Nina Simone

Flashback:Quand L’amour Meurt by Marlene Dietrich

Getting Back Together: Strength Courage and Wisdom by India.Arie

Wedding Scene: Fire and Rain by James Taylor

Birth of Child: Shebeen by Hugh Masekela (btw, a shebeen is a bar in a shack in South Africa)

Final Battle: Interlude: Living by India.Arie

Death Scene: All Over the World by Nat King Cole

Funeral Scene: Discotheque by U2

End Credits: Patience from the Dreamgirls Soundtrack

Huh, that was kinda fun.

mia

yes, i have been missing the past week or so i think. i am not sure. it has been busy.
(side note: i hate creepy people who hang around starbucks).
um, k, anyway, so i had an interview down in KC on thursday. it was a three-hour long behavioral interview with three different guys. it was tough, but i was prepared and i did my best, so that is all i can do. the thing is, i was the first out of seven candidates they are interviewing so it will literally be weeks until i hear anything. plus, as LJ pointed out, when there are that many candidates, i will either be the benchmark and everyone else will look bad or everyone else will be good, too and they will just forget about me.
(ok, another sidetrack--three teenage girls just walked into starbucks. my buddy duncman is working and he is only 20 and these are totally the kind of chicks he runs after. sigh, so pathetic).
(addt'l side note: bad 80's bangs at 1 o'clock ahhhhhhhhhhhh!).
so in the meantime i will continue to financially analyze things at the bank headquarters and look for more jobs--fun! i was so busy preparing for this one that i have kind of gotten off track. but that is also ok because i needed a break from monster and careerbuilder and the various individual company websites.
so i am pretty exhausted tonight. it was a hard couple of weeks for my household between my housemates' (i.e. mes parents) job stress, my interview stress, and just general emotional terrorism from a variety of angles.
mais c'est la vie, non?
wow, my french is amazing.
so going back to the interview, one of the questions HR made them ask was if i thought i would be ok living in Kansas City. um yeah. if i can be ok in the iowhat (pause: thank god creepy guy just left) then i think living in one of the best cities in the midwest would be fan-freaking-tastic. no really, i do like the city quite a bit the couple of times i've been there. and as i was reminded yesterday evening while i was out and about, this is a pretty small place and so i am kind of tired of having nowhere to be anonymous or have people being nosy. then of course, i've run into people i've known in some of the largest cities i've been in as well, so yes, the world is small, but it doesn't have to be as small as the iowhat.
ok, so your world is as large as you make it. but you know what i mean.
back to french, i was hoping to start practicing again (or don't you canadians say practising??) because i was hoping to maybe go visit aim in guinea but since i currently have no well-paying employment, that is not looking so good. plus, she was like evacuated to mali because of some union uprisings or something, so we shall see.
ok, btw, i got the 2007 grammy mix cd because the rental car i received to go down for my interview had a cd player but no ipod hookup thingy so i stopped and just bought a cd. anyway, i should do a better job of exploring new music and this was a great way to do it--those rock stars made some good stuff last year. wtg! even if a lot of it is pretty poppy!
ok people, smooches.