mutti, the prophet

one thing about parents is that they often know the right thing to say at the right time that just makes you feel all better. here's a good example:

"well, God must just want to strip you all the way down to the studs."

huh.

this is in reference to being passed over for yet another job.

mutti was, in this case, prophetic with her words, because when i returned to the iowhat, there was some mail waiting for me from the insurance company. yep, i have been granted insurance on a conditional basis. why? well, medical history for one (we all know about that story). but the other? apparently, i am too fat.

excuuuuuuuuse me? granted, on paper, i might not line up exactly with the charts. however, if you met me in the flesh, especially now after having lost all the grad school weight, i don't think you say, hmm, he's a bit chunky. i am not skinny, but i am not fat, not even husky i would say. i am pretty average, especially when i look at some of the guys around me.

so yes, the prophet has spoken.

some stuff that's happened

early last week, i received an unexpected phone call from a company in chicago to which i had sent an application weeks ago. it was for an "international management trainee" position, which is of course right up the amischwab's alley. i was offered an interview for friday, with the possibility of a "call-back" on saturday. it quickly became a trip for me and the housemates--a weekend in chicago.

of course, i spent the whole week being nervous, but actually felt good once we finally got to chicago and i felt that the group interview, which was somewhat reminiscent of "the apprentice" went well. i was, however, the oldest candidate--most had just barely or were about to finish undergrad and had zero experience. after the group interview, i was even more excited about the position. it provided the opportunity to work with a diverse team of talented people around my age in a fast-growing company that promotes management from within and quickly. to top it all off, their latest project involves setting up a technology academy in africa. um, hello, dream come true, right here.

but i didn't get a call-back. well, i did get a call, around midnight friday, informing me of what an intelligent, interesting, personable, and outgoing person i was, but that i was not being selected for an individual interview. ok. so i asked for some feedback. "we just didn't see why you really wanted to do sales." alright, i guess me reitterating over and over again about wanting to build a business, being focusses on growth, being creative and persistent in seeking out clients provided NO indication about my interest in sales. what a bull-sh!t answer! alas, it was midnight, so I just left it there.

(oh, btw, i hate it when people say that i am interesting. really, i am not. plus, it makes me feel like a prematurely washed-up intellectual who will end up with some sh!t job and will age prematurely but people at work will say, wow, he is so interesting. please, do not let this happen to me.)

basically, i think they want people they can mold more, not people who are their peers already. whatever.

i am no stranger to rejection, as you know. i am getting kind of good at it. i guess this is what we call personal growth? rejection in my personal life--no problem. getting used to it professionally is admittedly more of a challenge for me since i kind of am a career maniac.

additionally, it gave me insight about what i want to do and what i am good at. i am good at setting up business and operations in new markets, particularly international ones. i've done it in germany, namibia, and south africa as well as in the us. ok, only four examples, but for being 26, not bad i'd say. it's what i like to do because it involves so much--economics, business, politics, culture, language. figuring out this mix and making it work fascinates me and motivates me.

so at least i am moving in the right direction. and i know that i still have game.

it's easy to say at the end of the day that those f-ers don't know what they're missing out on. while this is true, self-confidence also does not pay for health insurance or student loan bills, as i reminded my housemates during a late-night conversation on friday.

i've prayed a lot about getting a job. well, now my prayer is for the right job.

the other good thing is that i got to go to chicago, albeit for just a couple of days. i know i made the big announcement about moving to chicago, but then i became uncertain a couple weeks later. i had actually never been there (besides many stops at the airport in my jet-setting days) but it is a beautiful city, it's so diverse, they have neiman's and direct flights to frankfurt, and i don't feel like i stand out. oooooh, and there is water. so it remains a contender. i could see myself there.

my housemates and i decided that in light of the fact that i did not get a call-back, that there was no point in staying a second night in chicago. so we did our obligatory shopping in the morning (can we say crate and barrel outlet store!? WONDERFUL! [if i actually had a home]) and then they went to some museum. i was not in the mood, so i walked along the lake (love water) and in the downtown area. and then we drove back to the iowhat.

tomorrow, i have lots of yard word to look forward to. see, i am really not that interesting. i'll be in old sweats and sneakers just like everyone else in suburbia. not so interesting. and totally employable by the right company.

thursday

I am wondering if Asian and/or Asian-American men in the United States feel like people will be suspicious of them now that this murderer has committed the massacre at Virgintia Tech. I just ask because it seems so often the case when a major event happens: the quiet, nerdy, suburban white kid gets called into the school counselor's office after Columbine, Arab-Americans are harassed after 9-11, attractive young female teachers become associate with underage sex, etc.

With my opening statement, I am obviously not suggesting that what this guy did had anything to do with his ethnicity, but in a society in which we are constantly flooded with images, and in
this case, repeatedly of the same individual, I wonder if the association is inevitable.

I also think about international students in general. In my experience, particularly as undergrads, they don't seem to integrate very well into the American student population. Of course there are exceptions. But as a largely isolated group (I understand that on some campuses, there is even an international student dorm which to me kind of defeats the purpose of studying in another country, but anyway) I wonder if suspicion and isolation will increase.

Or maybe, maybe, for once, the people of the United States will for once view this individual at face value, for lack of a better phrase: this guy was clearly mentally ill, clearly disturbed, clearly violent, clearly just really screwed up--and this had nothing to do with where he came from or what he looked like.

it has occurred to me

--As I am sure we all feel, the Virginia Tech shootings are terribly disturbing. Why did this international student do this? I wonder if he felt like so much of an outside, so isolated, so depressed as a result, that he snapped. It is sad that we have had so many school shootings in the US in recent history that an amateur news watcher can profile the culprit so easily. And I again get thinking about the question about what this says about our society as a whole. Granted, this has happened other places (like Germany) but not nearly as often. Why is this going on? As it becomes more common, it almost gains validation, in the sense that we are familiar with the feeling of disturbment or mortification or shock. And what does the rest of the world think about our society? (Not that the US seems to care, oops, sorry, stupid question there.)

--Walking past venetian blinds makes me kind of dizzy.

--Talking on your cell phone in public restrooms--how do we feel about it? It kind of bugs me. Is that wrong? Mind you, I said public restrooms. I know, I know, with some people you're just on "that level" that you can talk while you're in the bathroom. But when you do it in public, you're bringing everyone else into the situation.

--Tonight, one of my housemates is cooking "Jack's Surprise." This is the one who does not really know how to cook but is learning through experimentation. And the rest of us are guinea pigs.

--the weather in the Iowhat is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it has occurred to me

--As I am sure we all feel, the Virginia Tech shootings are terribly disturbing. Why did this international student do this? I wonder if he felt like so much of an outside, so isolated, so depressed as a result, that he snapped. It is sad that we have had so many school shootings in the US in recent history that an amateur news watcher can profile the culprit so easily. And I again get thinking about the question about what this says about our society as a whole. Granted, this has happened other places (like Germany) but not nearly as often. Why is this going on? As it becomes more common, it almost gains validation, in the sense that we are familiar with the feeling of disturbment or mortification or shock. And what does the rest of the world think about our society? (Not that the US seems to care, oops, sorry, stupid question there.)

--Walking past venetian blinds makes me kind of dizzy.

--Talking on your cell phone in public restrooms--how do we feel about it? It kind of bugs me. Is that wrong? Mind you, I said public restrooms. I know, I know, with some people you're just on "that level" that you can talk while you're in the bathroom. But when you do it in public, you're bringing everyone else into the situation.

--Tonight, one of my housemates is cooking "Jack's Surprise." This is the one who does not really know how to cook but is learning through experimentation. And the rest of us are guinea pigs.

--the weather in the Iowhat is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lessons learned, things remembered

So I had a pretty crappy day at work on Thursday. It involved being threatened for an error that was not my fault in the context of my generally hostile work environment and although at the end of the day, it turned out not to be an issue, I was still exhausted by being all worked up and tense for most of the day. Normally, I would not put up with this stuff, but since I am in an environment that is totally unfamiliar to me, I didn't know not to worry. One of my housemates told me I needed to do a better job of standing up for myself. Yes, I know, but again, I lacked information, I didn't know what the issues were or where responsibilities lied. Plus, I believe that a lot of it was due to some bullying on the part of stupid coworkers.

Really, I have screwed up in a lot of ways here in the Iowhat. I should have approached the whole experience as living in a different country, as I have on many occassions. I know the feeling of being lost, both literally and figuratively. It was silly of me to expect that, being in my own country that things would be different. There's not a lot of people from outside of Iowhat in Iowhat, so when a "foreigner" comes in who didn't go to one of the universities here, or high school, or grow up on a hog farm, or go to the state wrestling tournament growing up, people are suspicious and hostile. The perceived warmness that one expects from Midwesterners fades into the silent treatment. Some have theorized that it has to do with an inferiority complex. Another possiblity is that Iowans are concerned about losing their way of life, though given my generation's affinity for Banana Republic, martinis, and the suburbs, this process was well underway before Amischwab and his housemates showed up. So I screwed up from the start by not playing stupid and allowing people to be my teachers, like I usually do when I go to a new country. No, I just acted normal, which didn't go over too well. I grew up on the coast, so I tend to be more direct and less chit-chatty. I do not begin every conversation during the day with "Hey, what's up?" I have formal phone and e-mail skills/habits. I don't smile a lot. And I am sarcastic and don't make a big deal out of small things. People here act like everything they do (and there are of course exceptions) is a huge favor. Additionally, I would say 90% of people don't get sarcasm, like, you have to explain to them that you were joking. All in all, this does not mesh too well with my personality. Additionally, constructs of gender roles as well as life-paths if you will (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house and 2 cars, vacation in Disney World--all by the age of 30. Well, granted I could achieve this by 30, as I am only 26, but I don't really want to. I have never really wanted to live a traditional life, though I often wish I could be content with that, but the fact of the matter is, my life experience has caused we to seek something different. So in that way, I am a bit of an oddity here.

I often think people adopt so-called "extreme" identities because they simply do not fit-in and as a reaction or defense, make the decision to REALLY not fit in, often with external cues, like, uh, pink hair (I dunno, that example just occurred to me). I think this is fine and if this helps people feel better, than more power to them. I wish it worked for me. And realizing that these surface signs do not work for me, I guess I assume they don't work for others, which is probably why I really try and get to know people because I want to know what motivates them, what makes them tick, what makes them excited, what they are sad about, and what they hope for. Actually, this is not completely accurate. Perhaps it might be better to say that this is why I do not judge people by appearances (though if you know me, you'll also know that I do have standards for certain occassions, but anyway) and why I will be on the bus, or a train, or at a bar and some random person will just sit down next to me and tell me their life story. Shoot, I was talking to an upholstery person to get a chair picked up and by the end of the conversation, I was wrapped up in his family drama.

So I guess the point is, I've learned a lesson here. The way I approached things before actually kind of works. Too bad I didn't approach it that way here, though I don't think I would end up staying here anyway. Hopefully, on my next adventure, I will remember these important lessons and perhaps more importantly, have confidence in myself, which has been at an all-time low.

um, yeah, so, uh, hey

..easter was nice. i guess. for some reason, my housemates decided going to the church easter breakfast which consisted of disgusting food was a good idea. but then they left my brother and i at home, which made him extremely upset. he got over it after he got some breakfast caserole in him. dinner was nice. not sure how bbq pork loin fits into the whole easter thing. i would have chosen a different method of preparation. i hate 4 g&t's during dinner and passed out, which facilitated good conversation and then lead to a nice nap.

...work still sucks.

...met up with amil on friday night. lj of course called and asked why i was at a bar on good friday. well, it fit into amil's schedule, so there you go.

...looking forward to relocation, but also angsty about it. wondering how it will work out.

this american life

i am going through withdrawl right now. i ran out of one of my medications and since i do not have health insurance, i can't get it renewed or pay for it for that matter. the half-ass health insurance (you know, the kind that will maybe let you go to the ER if your leg falls off, but only if it's bleeding real bad) will kick in from my temp organization soon, however, this is somewhat futile since i am not allowed to take any time off during the first 90 days of my assignment, so no doctor's appointments. so no drugs for amischwab for awhile, i have got the shakes a little bit, but i am coping pretty well. one day at a time.

in good news, i got a letter from the student loan people that my application for forebearance of my loans has been approved.

my friends, this is the new american life. it is not a complaint, though it certainly does suck, but i know so many of us are in the same boat. we did everything right: we worked hard through school, college, first and second jobs, then grad school--we did the "right" thing--and we're left in a precarious position. done with school and unable to find a decent paying job for months while facing what amounts to a small mortgage when we are just starting out.

i hope it's worth it.

i finally got over the constant urge to cry at the new temp job by thursday. then on friday my boss discovered that the two previous temps had left a backlog of work at least two weeks long that she expects to have taken care of by monday. huh, pretty sure i cannot undo space and time, but we'll see.